Not Enough Red Alerts

, , , | Working | November 1, 2017

(We have a new intern who isn’t the brightest spark.)

Intern: “Why isn’t this pen red?”

Me: *looking over* “Because it’s black?”

Intern: “But I need it to be red.”

Me: “Well, there’s a red pen in front of you. You can use that.”

Intern: “But what if that pen isn’t red?”

Me: “Trust me, it is.”

Intern: “But how do you know?

(Two coworkers and I then spent close to half an hour trying to explain how a pen that had RED printed on it and was coated in red plastic was an indication that it would write in red ink. I don’t think it sunk in, as when she tried it she seemed genuinely shocked that it was, in fact, a red pen. I should have just said I’d used it previously.)

That Refund Just Glided Through

, , , , , , | Right | October 31, 2017

(I work at the customer service desk dealing in returns, exchanges, etc. Today, a customer comes up to my colleague with a bottle requiring a pump-action to get the contents out.)

Customer: “I bought this the other day, but it’s not working; can I swap it for one that does?

Colleague: “No problem; if you bring up what you want to exchange it for, I’ll put it through.”

(The customer goes to get a replacement and comes back to the desk.)

Customer: “The thing is, I don’t want to get it home and find out it doesn’t work, either. Can you test it?”

Colleague: “Of course.”

(By this point, the customers and colleagues at the adjoining kiosk desk are laughing. My colleague presses down on the top and some of the contents squeeze out into her hand. The customer is quite happy as the exchange is put through.)

Colleague: *rounding on colleagues who are now rolling on the floor* “What’s so funny?”

(She looked down at the defective bottle in her hand and saw that it was sexual lubricant — which she now had on her hand. Everyone was laughing, including her, as she ran to the bathroom to wash her hands. By the end of my shift, about an hour and a half later, everyone working heard the story. You’d have to have a set of brass ones to go up to a customer services desk to say, “The lube doesn’t work!”)

Unfiltered Story #98581

, | Unfiltered | October 27, 2017

My co-worker (let’s call her A) and I make pizzas to order at a counter that also serves hot roat chickens; the shop also happens to be in a fairly pretentious area (this matters in a bit). Unfortunately, the juices from the chickens attract a lot of flies in the summer and we pretty much can’t do anything about it because chemical sprays aren’t allowed in the food prep area. What our boss does do is put up a bunch of very sticky panels at the top of the wall behind the hot counter in the hopes of fly-papering all of our “little friends”.

One day a customer came up to the counter and as A is making her pizza, the sticky black panels – by this time utterly covered in dead or dying flies – catches this woman’s eye and she asks if the flies up there are real. A instantly responds with “No it’s modern art.”
The woman doesn’t look convinced but A soldiered on. “We have lots of food back here, right, so what’s our worst fear? Flies. It’s a piece of modern art reflecting that.”

Now either A is the greatest liar of all time, or the customer figured that was to be expected in a snobby area (even in a fairly cheap supermarket), or she was just daft enough, but the woman believed it! She took her pizza, said “oh, okay”, and carried on her way.

A probably shouldn’t have really done that but hey, it’s funny.

You Get To Experience Your First Day Twice

, , , , , | Working | October 24, 2017

(It is my first day in a new job. Just to illustrate how much this job means to me, I had to turn down a guaranteed part-time job just to attend the interview for this one. The office is 29 miles away from my house, and I don’t drive. I’ve just been let in.)

Security Guard: *to me and another guy who is starting the same job* “Can you guys wait here a minute? I need to check something.”

(Ten minutes later he comes back.)

Security Guard: “Sorry, but I’m going to have to send you home. We have nothing saying you should be here today, and the guy who hired you isn’t here, either.”

(We were both pretty floored by this, but there was nobody else we could talk to, so we didn’t have much choice. Luckily, the other guy offered me a lift back to my house, so I didn’t have to wait for a bus. I got back home, took off my suit, put my PJs on, and prepared for a lazy day. I was sitting, checking my emails, when I remembered I had some brief correspondence with another guy from the company about a training course we’d been sent on, and he had a phone number listed, so I tried calling him to see what was going on. He basically described the whole situation as being down to an “overzealous security guard,” assured me that I did in fact start that day, and asked if there was any way I could go back in. Cue a mad rush of me shedding pyjamas and throwing my suit on like I was Superman in reverse. Thankfully, I managed to get a lift to a town halfway there, and there just so happened to be a bus back to the office as I got into town. Luckily, the manager was there at that point, as were the other three people joining my team. We laugh about it now, but honestly, when it happened I was absolutely terrified that something had gone horribly wrong and the person who told me I’d gotten the job had been playing some kind of awful prank.)

Making A Meal Out Of A Meal Deal

, , , , , | Friendly | October 22, 2017

(Overheard with no context at the library.)

Guy: “Absolutely nailing a meal deal? That’s how you know you had a really banging birthday.”

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