Levelling The Playing Field, Over And Over…

, , , | Related | July 19, 2017

(I got my dad a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas, as he was playing around with my brain training game and he wanted one for himself. He also occasionally helps himself to my games. I’m fine with it as long as he doesn’t delete my saves. Recently he has been on it every time I’ve seen him, and he’s so engrossed he doesn’t really do anything else. I’m tempted to ask him, but I decide to let him enjoy his gaming. Finally one evening he asks me:)

Dad: “How many of these things do I have to kill until I can move on? It keeps saying I’m moving levels but nothing happens.”

(I take the console and realise he’s playing Bravely Default. He is still in the starting zone. I check his character’s levels. He has only got the first character unlocked, and it’s level is quite high.)

Me: “My God, Dad. He’s level 22!”

Dad: “Is that good?”

Me: “Well, I was only like level five when I got the airship.”

Dad: “So, is that good?”

Me: “Yeah, I guess.”

Dad: “So what do I do?”

Me: “You see the little bubble with the exclamation mark in it? You just go to that and it should progress the story.”

Dad: “Oh, so it isn’t like Mario?”

Me: “No, this is an RPG.”

Dad: “Oh, I wanted something like Mario. I guess I shouldn’t play it.”

Me: “Have you been enjoying it?”

Dad: “Yeah!”

Me: “Then keep playing it!”

(I haven’t been able to touch the game since…)

Going To Milk This One Forever

, , , , | Romantic | July 14, 2017

(My wife is in the living room, on her laptop. I’ve just made her a bowl of cereal and go to hand it to her from behind when she turns to say something to me and her arm catches my hand, resulting in cereal spilling all over the laptop. Unfortunately, given that laptops aren’t usually supposed to eat cereal, it no longer works after this, so we embark on an ever-so-fun half-hour drive to the nearest appliance shop to get it sent off for repair.)

Me: *to the employee* “Hi, can we send our laptop off for repair? I was bringing her some cereal and—”

Wife: “We spilled… er… cow liquid on it.”

Me: “…cow liquid?”

Wife: “I forgot the word for milk, okay?”

(And that is why, from this point on, I will always refer to milk as cow liquid.)

There’s Blood In The Water

, , , , | Right | June 27, 2017

(I work at the fishmonger’s counter where we have a display selling whole, gutted salmon in bags for £4/kg. A young woman and her daughter approach the display and order some fish. This conversation takes place as I am wrapping it.)

Child: “Mummy, look at the big fish!”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s really big, isn’t it!” *pauses, to me* “What’s that red stuff? Is that blood?”

Me: “Yep. We get these in gutted so there’s a little blood from being packed immediately after.”

Customer: “I just didn’t know fish had blood.”

So THAT’S Why Mona Lisa Was Smiling

, , , , , | Learning | June 19, 2017

(Our teacher gives us twenty minutes at the end of a lesson on Friday to ask the most random questions and then debate one of them. We write them down and put them into a tombola for her to pick out of. The last few weeks every topic has been asking whether a prominent historical figure was gay, so this week she has pleading and praying that there isn’t another one.)

Teacher: *picking a topic* “Oh, for pity’s sake!”

(She turns around and writes the question on the whiteboard.)

Question: “Was Leonardo da Vinci gay?”

(She sat down and took some ibuprofen before letting us debate. Unbeknownst to her, we have all been putting those questions in the hat this month!)

It’s A Shock She’s Single…

, , , | Related | June 17, 2017

(My sister has had a nasty break up with her boyfriend. She’s really upset, but doesn’t like a lot of sympathy. I am out shopping at the time, and decide to ask if she wants a treat.)

Me: “Do you want some ice cream? I can come by on the way home.”

Sister: “I swear to god, I will piss over and break your legs!”

Me: “Okay, I know you’re angry, but you don’t have to be so disgusting!”

Sister: “S***! I meant come over.”

(She did get over it pretty quickly, but I kept the ice cream.)

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