I paid my way through my degree working part-time around my studies in a job that paid slightly more than minimum wage. Although I was staying with my parents, I was pretty much living from payday to payday.

It was coming up for my sister’s birthday and she asked for a loan.

Me: “I’m really, really skint at the moment. I could loan you £30, but your night out is a week before I get paid. If you don’t pay me back first, I can’t afford to go to your night out.”

Sister: “Of course I’ll pay you back; I want you there for my birthday. Thank you so much.”

The night out came along and I met her at the bar, gave her my gift, and used my last £10 to buy us both drinks. I waited for her to pay me back and the night went on and on and on without her mentioning it.

Me: “Hey, sorry to ask, but do you have the money you borrowed? Remember I told you I was skint? I only have my bus fare home left at the moment.”

Sister: “I can’t believe you are asking for money on my birthday! That’s really classy.”

Me: “Hey, I told you before I gave you the money that I needed it back or I couldn’t come. You promised it wouldn’t be an issue.”

Sister: “Whatever, f*** you.”

She took the money out of her pocket, threw it at me, and stormed off.

Our convenience store has a collection and drop-off point for a parcel service. We have a handheld device for scanning parcels in, and it’s always breaking down.

Customer: “I’m just here to send this parcel back.”

Me: “No problem! I’ll just get it scanned through for you.”

I grab the device and try to scan the parcel, but the device gets stuck in a reset loop so I physically cannot do anything with it.

Me: “I’m sorry, the machine is just having some problems and has reset itself. I’ll give it a few seconds.” *Waits about a minute* “Sorry, but the machine isn’t letting me do anything right now. It is still constantly resetting itself.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not really good enough, is it?”

Me: “I’ll just try forcing it to power off to see if that solves it.”

I try, and the same thing happens again.

Me: “I’m sorry, but my scanner is broken. You may have to come back and try again later.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I’m a loyal customer and have been here many times!”

The machine is broken; it won’t decide to work just because she’s a regular!

Me: “I am very sorry. The machine has been having issues lately. We are getting a replacement, but in the meantime, all I can suggest is—”

Customer: “Get me a manager!”

The assistant manager comes over and tries everything I tried. Unfortunately, nothing happens. The machine is still stuck in its reset loop.

Manager: “I’m sorry, but it’s having technical problems. It might resolve itself, so perhaps if you return—”

Customer:*Grabbing the parcel* “Ridiculous. I’m a regular customer here. I’m going elsewhere.”

I am in a very dark mood one day when someone knocks at my front door. When I open it, two young women are standing there, one holding a Bible and the other various pamphlets.

I’m not religious but I don’t object to other people having or professing religious beliefs, and ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind having a chat with two very pretty ladies, but today is the exception. They start their spiel.

Visitors: “Could I ask you what you think of the state the world is in today?”

Me: “Frankly, I think the sooner the human race wipes itself out, the better.”

Visitors: “…”

They tried to continue but, somehow, their hearts just didn’t seem to be in it anymore.

My partner and I are trying to clear our baking cupboard of ingredients. As such, we have found a basic cookie recipe to amend. We chuck in a bunch of random ingredients with the chocolate chips: chopped almonds, maple syrup, a whole glug of vanilla extract, a mix of two sugars, and the remnants of bread flour with plain.

The dough tastes oddly amazing but has the odd blended appearance of glossy cookie dough and dark fudge goodness.

Partner: “Well, the basic recipe did say the cookie dough would look a bit like fudge.”

Me: “Oh! It’s a ‘fookie’!”

Partner: “Oh, God, you can’t call it that.”

I think for a moment, whilst trying to form this franken-cookie goodness into a ball.

Me: “Then it’s… a ‘cudge.’”

Partner: “Somehow, that sounds so much worse.”

Me: “This is one of those funny conversations I can never tell your mother.”

My mother is a high school maths teacher working with some of the younger and more difficult students. To try and encourage her students, she stamps their work with various motivational phrases.

A few minutes after giving her class back their homework, she notices one student looking a bit puzzled for a few minutes before putting his hand up.

Student: “Miss, what’s a eunuch?”

Although this isn’t exactly a maths question, my mum decides to try and answer anyway.

Mum: “Uh, well, a long time ago, in some countries, nobles used to have lots of wives or girlfriends who were all housed in special rooms within their palaces. You know how dogs can get neutered to prevent them having puppies? Well, they used to do that to some of their male servants so that they could be trusted to look after the women, and those servants were called eunuchs.”

As you can imagine, all of the students in the class have stopped what they were doing and are watching this scene. The student looks even more puzzled and a bit angry.

Student: “Well, why did you call me a eunuch, then?”

Mum: “What? What are you talking about? When did I call you a eunuch?”

Student: “You did! You wrote it on my homework!”

Mum: “I don’t know what you’re talking about! Show me.”

The student stormed up to her desk with his homework in hand and showed her the message she had stamped on it. What did it say?

“You’re unique.”