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A Nation Of Male Shopkeepers

, , , , | Learning | December 28, 2017

(My family has just moved from England to rural Australia. Being the new kid, I get lots of different questions. However, some of the kids in my new school aren’t the brightest of people. One day before class I’m standing around with a couple of guys from class when one really gormless member says:)

Classmate #1: “So, like… Do you have girls in England?”

(I give him an “Are you kidding me?” look; then, I realize he’s actually serious. Thankfully, one his mates steps in.)

Classmate #2: “Of course they have girls, you dumb s***! What do you think the Queen is?!”

(He takes a few minutes to process this fact before the light-bulb turns on. You can practically hear the gears his brains clicking.)

Classmate #1: “Oh, yeah, right!”

Don’t Forget Crazy Aunt Syphilis

, , , , , , | Learning | December 23, 2017

(I’m a tenth-grader taking driver’s ed because I ended up not taking it the year before. Three of the more popular ninth-graders sit in front of me.)

Girl #1: *out of nowhere* “You know, if chlamydia weren’t a STD, it would be a really pretty name.”

Girl #2: “Really?”

Girl #3: *mockingly* “Could you imagine? ‘Oh, hi. This is my daughter, Chlamydia, and my son, Herpes. Nice to meet you.’”

(I tried to not die of laughter because I didn’t want them to know I was eavesdropping, but I was also trying not to show my great disappointment with this statement.)

Need A Pi In The Face

, , , , , , | Learning | December 18, 2017

(I am in a calculus class in college, a class I already took in high school. It has been a long week and a long day, so my head is definitely not all there. Our teacher assigns us to work with partners on a problem. We quickly realize that neither of us can remember the equation for the area of a circle.)

Teacher: “Are you two stuck?”

Partner: “Yeah. We forgot the equation for the area of a circle.”

Teacher. “Oh, that’s unfortunate.” *he’s not known for being the most sympathetic* “Would you like me to ask the class?”

Me: “No.”

Teacher: “Would that embarrass you?”

Me: “Yes.”

(I have social anxiety, so, yes, it would very much embarrass me. Suddenly, a quiet voice from behind me speaks up. It is a boy who I have several classes with and chat with on occasion.)

Classmate: *to the teacher* “Say I’m the one who’s asking.”

(The teacher moved to stand by him and asked the class. The class provided the answer. I turned to look at the boy, who smiled and gave me a thumbs-up. Thank you for easing my anxiety and asking the question!)

Stars In Their Eyes

, , , , , , | Learning | December 18, 2017

(While my best friend in this class is a year younger than all of us because she skipped a grade, I am a little older, because my birthday is exactly one day after the date that determines if children allowed to start school. My best friend is one of the teacher’s favourites and a really good student, but, like me, somewhat of a s***head sometimes. I’m behaving myself and taking notes while my friend is next to me drawing incredibly intricate stars with faces. However, my ink runs out, and I change the cartridge and make a few scribbles on a scrap piece of paper to get it running again.)

Teacher: “[MY NAME]! STOP DRAWING AND PAY ATTENTION RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “But I’m not drawing; my ink just ran out and I—”

Teacher: “YOU NEVER PAY ATTENTION! LET ME SEE YOUR BINDER!”

(He stomps over to the desk my friend and I share and grabs my binder. Since I did take notes, he instead berates me for my handwriting and “doodling” — the scribbles and half-visible words I wrote after changing my ink cartridge. All the time, my friend calmly continues to draw her smiling stars, in plain sight, and really obviously spreads out the coloured markers she’s using. Her whole binder is covered in smiling rainbow stars.)

Teacher: *finishing his rant* “…and I really wish you would take [Friend] as an example; her work is always beautifully done! Look at her writing!”

(We look at the multitude of stars.)

Teacher: “And from now on, PAY ATTENTION!”

(Needless to say, I didn’t give a single flying coitus about his opinion after that, anymore. My friend drew stars for the rest of the lesson.)

Who’s Keeping County?

, , , , | Learning | December 15, 2017

(There are a few minutes left before class starts, and people are slowly entering the room.)

Classmate: “Hey, [My Name], you’re from Louisiana, right?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Classmate: “You guys call counties ‘parishes,’ right?”

Me: “Nope.”

Classmate: “No?”

Me: “No, everyone else calls parishes ‘counties.’”

Classmate: *rolls eyes*

(The professor, who’d been listening, cracked an evil grin. I felt very proud of myself.)