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Charged With Theft And Battery

, , , , | Learning | October 30, 2017

(We are using calculators in class. Our teacher also lets us eat in her class. I open up a pack of cheese crackers)

Classmate: “Give me your crackers.”

Me: “Why?”

Classmate: “Or else I won’t give you back your battery.”

(I turn over my calculator, revealing that one of the batteries is missing.)

Me: “Whatever, I don’t need it.”

Classmate: “Yeah, you do, unless you plan on doing all your work in your head.”

(I pull out an entire pack of batteries and put one into my calculator.)

Classmate: “What the—”

(I proceeded with my work, enjoying my snack throughout. Always be prepared!)

Modern Day Students Like To Collect “Likes”

, , , , | Learning | October 25, 2017

(I hear this conversation during English class. It’s still a relatively new school year, and we’re trying to form some opinions about our new teachers:)

Girl #1: “My history teacher is really nice.”

Girl #2: “Mine, too, except he hates [Friend].”

Girl #1: “How do you know?”

Girl #2: “Well, every time we have questions he completely ignores her.”

Girl #1: “That doesn’t sound so bad.”

Girl #2: “Yeah, well, yesterday he answered questions for half the class, and [Friend] was one of the first people who had one. He never answered her question. So, she asked him why he ignored her, and he said, ‘I was hoping I wouldn’t have to answer you because I don’t like you.’”

Took A While For The (Heat) Transfer

, , , , | Learning | October 23, 2017

(I am going back to school to get my Master’s. I went straight into the military after college, so I’m quite a bit older than most of my classmates. Nearly all of my classmates are traditional students, getting their Master’s straight out of undergrad. It’s the first day of classes.)

Professor: “This class builds a lot on your undergrad Heat Transfer class. Just so I can get an idea, has everyone taken Heat Transfer in the last two years?”

(Most of the students nod but several of us shake their heads.)

Professor: “Who took it over two years ago?”

(Three of us raise our hands.)

Professor: “Four years.”

(Both students put their hands down.)

Professor: “Six years?”

(I still have my hand up.)

Professor: “Eight years?”

Me: “Please, just stop.”

(He finally got the hint.)

Turning You Into A Preposition

, , , , , | Learning | October 17, 2017

(It is the first day of school.)

Me: “Hey, where is the cafeteria at?”

Other Student: *snottily* “Never end a sentence with a preposition.”

Me: “Okay, then. Where’s the cafeteria at, b****?”

That’s How You Were Bread To Eat

, , , , | Learning | October 15, 2017

(I’m sitting in one of my classes. One of my classmates is a bit of a jokester and brings up how he ate an entire loaf of French bread for lunch last week.)

Classmate: “Yeah, my parents got kind of mad about that.”

Teacher: “Well, that’s because it doesn’t seem very healthy.”

Classmate: “They weren’t mad at first when I told them. The reason they got mad was because later that day I made a whole bunch of croissants and ate the whole batch.”

(The whole class laughs, including the teacher.)

Teacher: “You need to get some protein into your diet.”

Classmate: “Yeah, I know. That’s why, for lunch today, I ate an entire package of salami.”