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That’s Some A-Grade Opium

, , , , , , | Learning | November 8, 2017

In high school, I took a political theory class that was essentially a series of role-playing games. One of the first ones we did had each student as the ruler of a 100 mile square country, with our grades determined by our country’s economic status at the end of the game.

A group of five other students banded together to invade my country, leaving my country super poor. My solution? I legalized the growth and export of opium poppies. By the time the guys who had invaded my country figured it out, their economies were suffering due to rampant narcotic use. They threatened to take a ton of money from my country, but I told them I would make it illegal again.

While I did make opium poppies illegal again, I let the teacher know that I wasn’t going to enforce the law, so I avoided losing my country’s money while still making bank with the export of opium. Some of my classmates legalized medical narcotics in their countries, so I was also making money by exporting to them.

In the end, pretty much every country in the class had a ton of opium use. Mine was fairly mild, but all the classmates who had originally invaded my country had their economies ruined. I ended up regaining most of my lost grade and getting a B+ or A-, while they all got poor grades.

A Realization As Cold As Ice

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 7, 2017

(We are learning about the Vikings in English class. The teacher has just begun talking about how the Vikings were great explorers and reached America in circa AD 1000. [Classmate #1] is quite rude and thinks everyone should be on her side.)

Teacher: “They came from Iceland, which they discovered 150 years earlier…”

Classmate #1: *rather accusingly* “But they didn’t discover it, did they, Miss?”

Teacher: *bewildered* “What do you mean? It says so right here—”

Classmate #1: *smugly* “It says nothing about the native Icelanders. Is it like with the Native Americans, and the Vikings just—” *makes finger quotes* “—’discovered’ Iceland first? Did they erase their culture from the history books?”

([Classmate #1] is smiling, as if she has stumbled upon a great secret.)

Teacher: “Okay, just humour me for a second.”

(She brings up an online video of where each place was discovered, from the first humans in central Africa. At Viking exploration, she pauses it.)

Teacher: “Just concentrate for a second.”

(The video clearly states that the Vikings were the first to reach Iceland, due to its remoteness. [Classmate #1] is shrieking in uproar as we struggle not to laugh.)

Classmate #1: “That can’t be right! It’s a conspiracy! The Vikings were white! White people never arrive anywhere first!”

Classmate #2: “What about the Moon?”

([Classmate #1] ran out, screaming that she was going to get the principal and that the teacher was racist.)

Perfect Disgust

, , , | Learning | November 7, 2017

Me: *looks over at classmate’s computer* “Your tenses aren’t aligning properly.” *fixes document on her computer*

Classmate: *jokingly* “Ugh, [My Name], you’re such a perfectionist! Everything you do is so perfect! I bet you sort your cereal boxes alphabetically!”

Me: “Oh, come on. If you could see what I do at home, you’d think I’m the most disgusting person alive.”

Classmate: “Oh… Ew.” *ignores me for the rest of the period*

Me: *confused, thinking about what I said as the bell rings and she leaves, and then to nobody* “OH! NOT WHAT I DO, WHAT I’M LIKE! IT’S WHAT I’M LIKE! Agh, I wonder what she was thinking when I said that?!”

(We switched seats in that class and haven’t talked since.)

Wish They’d Remained Unnoticed

, , , , , | Learning | November 6, 2017

(At this point, the semester is two months in.)

Guy #1: “Hey, man! Anthony!”

Guy #2: “It’s Chris.”

Guy #1: “Chris, right! D*** it. I keep doing that. I didn’t realize you were in this class!”

Guy #2: “You just noticed? I’ve been sitting behind you the entire time.”

Guy #1: “Yeah, but it’s early.”

Guy #2: “Midterm’s next week.”

Guy #1: “I mean, early in the day.”

Guy #2: “It’s 6:30. In the evening.”

Guy #1: “Yeah, so, uh, how’ve you been?”

([Guy #2] changed seats to the other side of the room without another word.)

Charged With Theft And Battery

, , , , | Learning | October 30, 2017

(We are using calculators in class. Our teacher also lets us eat in her class. I open up a pack of cheese crackers)

Classmate: “Give me your crackers.”

Me: “Why?”

Classmate: “Or else I won’t give you back your battery.”

(I turn over my calculator, revealing that one of the batteries is missing.)

Me: “Whatever, I don’t need it.”

Classmate: “Yeah, you do, unless you plan on doing all your work in your head.”

(I pull out an entire pack of batteries and put one into my calculator.)

Classmate: “What the—”

(I proceeded with my work, enjoying my snack throughout. Always be prepared!)