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Don’t Take Their Word For It

, , , , | Learning | October 3, 2016

(In my senior English class, our teacher required us to write one journal page every day of the semester. On the second-to-last day of class, he would go around and count the pages for full credit, not wanting to read them because they might be too personal. My best friend and I are in the class together, and the second-to-last day comes around.)

Friend: “Shoot! I’m behind by like two weeks!”

Me: “Are you serious? What are you going to do? It’s pass/fail!”

Friend: “I’m going to write as fast as I can. I’ll fill fourteen pages. Just watch.”

(Thankfully the teacher starts on the other side of the room, and he doesn’t notice my friend scribbling away behind me. When the teacher gets closer, I check over my shoulder to see how she’s doing.)

Me: “Hold up… Are you even writing WORDS?”

Friend: “Nope!”

(She isn’t just writing nonsense; she isn’t writing ANYTHING. She’s just making scribbles with the occasional “crossed T” and “dotted I” to make it look like very bad handwriting. I think there’s no way it’s going to fly, but then the teacher gets to her.)

Teacher: “All there. Good job, [Friend].”

(Then he looks at mine.)

Teacher: “Wow! You have REALLY good handwriting. So small! You probably have twice as many words in your journal as [Friend] does!”

Me: *looking pointedly at [Friend]* “Probably…”

This story is part of our Handwriting roundup!

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, , , , , | Learning | May 29, 2016

(This student is a girl who can’t figure out that there are five people in her row counting herself; she’s not the brightest.)

Student: “Penguins live on the North Pole by the e… e… What’s it called?”

Me: *oh, Gods, please no, cringes* “The equator?”

Student: *excitedly* “Yeah! Where they live with the polar bears.”

(So now we all know that the North Pole, in the tropics, is full of penguins and polar bears.)

This story is part of our Polar Bear roundup!

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I Have Beef With The Plants

, , , | Learning | May 21, 2016

(I’m allergic to most plant materials; this includes fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, berries, pollen, etc. I explain this fairly often and some people have trouble grasping the concept that I can still eat stuff.)

Classmate: “So you can’t have beef or chicken?”

Me: “I just said I couldn’t eat plants; are beef and chicken plants?”

Classmate: *whispers to a friend* “Are they?”

(The teacher overhears and comes over.)

Teacher: “Beef and chicken are animals, not plants. She can have them.”

Me: “How did you not know that? We’re in seventh grade.”

This story is part of our Houseplant roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Customers Who Would Get Even Their Plastic Plants Killed


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Brownie Points For Lying

, , , , | Learning | December 22, 2015

(Usually, at the beginning of a school year, there are some activities so your peers can get to know you in some sort of way. They are mainly activities that involve telling two truths about yourself and one false while the class has to guess the false.)

Teacher: “Okay, [My Name], tell us about you.”

Me: “A.) I once found a grenade in my yard. B.) I was on a subway train in Barcelona where some thieves with a bunch of stolen purses pulled out a knife on several pursuing police officers which triggered a fight on the train. And C.) I hate brownies…”

Classmate: “Everybody loves brownies… C is false.”

(He was right.)

This story is part of our Subway roundup!

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Your Repo Needs No Redo

, , , | Learning | October 5, 2015

(During my senior year of high school, I volunteer to stay after school to help out the theater department by painting sets for their next production. I’m a very quiet, unassuming girl who is well known for sticking to myself and not talking much, and though I have no problems with the theater students, I only really have one friend in the group who knows me.)

Theater Student #1: “Okay, I’m tired of listening to [local radio station notorious for playing the same handful of pop songs every hour or so]. Why don’t we put on someone’s iPod or something?”

Theater Student #2: “Does anyone have anything with them?”

Friend: “[My Name] has a book of CDs in her backpack. Our art teacher lets us listen to them during class because we got sick of the radio, too.”

Theater Student #1: “Yeah, but what does [My Name] really listen to? She looks like a Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus kind of girl.”

(All of a sudden and with the best timing ever, my phone starts ringing. My ringtone is the song “Night Surgeon” from the hyper-violent musical film, “Repo! The Genetic Opera,” which I and many of the theater students are huge fans of, and no one realizes it’s coming from my phone until I answer it.)

Theater Student #1: “On second thought, I want to see these CDs now!”

This story is part of our Musical Theater Roundup!

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