Sounds More Emo Than Goth

, , , , | Learning | December 26, 2020

I am a Goth and therefore I always have my hair dyed black. Since many people in the dark alternative scene use makeup, I want to add that I don’t ever do this.

I am a university student, and one day, when I only have to attend lectures in the afternoon, I go to a hairdresser first to have my hair dyed. After that, I meet a friend who is also a fellow student and we walk together to our first lecture that day.

Unfortunately, it is raining and I don’t have an umbrella, so my hair gets really wet.

The whole afternoon, I notice people looking quite strangely at me, but since nobody says anything and my friend is acting perfectly normal toward me, I don’t give it much thought.

After our lectures, my friend comes home with me for a cup of coffee. When I go to the bathroom and look into the mirror, I suddenly know why I had gotten so many strange looks at university!

The hairdresser obviously didn’t rinse my hair properly, so the rain caused black streaks from the hair dye all over my face and neck! I look like a creature from a horror movie!

I jump back into the kitchen where my friend is sitting.

Me: “Look at me! You must have noticed from the beginning! Why on earth didn’t you tell me?!”

Friend: “Oh, I thought it was funny seeing you run around like that.”

Thanks a lot.

 

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Ugly Is In The Eye Of The Jerk

, , , , | Learning | December 23, 2020

I am doing a group project with three other women. They are all horrid snobs, and they’re all from fancy, influential families, whereas I am not. They think they have extremely good manners and like to correct me when I do things differently than them. My way of doing things is also considered polite, but they only know of two ways of doing things: their way or the wrong way.

I know that they actually know very little about manners as in Denmark, both then and now, the rudest faux pas you can make is to correct others in public. The second rudest is to brag, and if bragging was an Olympic discipline, they would be qualified to compete. Here is an example of their “perfect manners.”

One day, we are having a work meeting in [Woman #1]’s apartment. She has gone to the kitchen with [Woman #2] to get some tea and cookies.

Woman #3: “Well, well! Look at that!” 

She points at a hideous steel fruit bowl on the coffee table and bends over to pick it up. 

Woman #3: “I wonder if it is an original? The copies are sooo ugly! Oh! It is an original! Niiice!”

Me: “If the copies are so ugly, why did you need to turn it over to see the markings on the bottom to tell if it was original?”

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I’m Not Sure You Can Fix This Much Stupid

, , , , | Learning | December 10, 2020

I’m taking chemistry. In an effort to motivate the class, our teacher has announced that if you turn in homework early, you’ll get extra credit points. Chemistry is not my strong point, so I start doing this to help boost my grade. She puts all graded homework in a “pickup” bin where we grab it before or after class. One day, I go to the bin and my homework isn’t there.

Me: “Hey, Mrs. [Teacher], my homework from last week isn’t here.”

Teacher: “That’s odd. I have your extra credit noted right here.”

She flips through her grade book.

Teacher: “Yep, graded and bonus points added. I probably just set it down and forgot to put it in the bin. Go start on the lab. I’ll run it over to you when I find it.”

I go back to my table and start setting up the lab. My lab partner, a known slacker, is furiously scribbling on a piece of paper.

Me: “Hey, you ready?”

Lab Partner: “Hang on. Just gotta finish the homework.”

Me: You are actually doing the homework?

Lab Partner: “You people doubt me!”

Me: “Because you never do the homework.”

Lab Partner: “I’m turning over a new leaf! Gonna try and do better this quarter.”

Me: “Wow. That’s great!”

I notice a piece of paper with very familiar handwriting sitting next to him. He looks at it, fills out a question, and squints at the paper.

Me:Hey!

Lab Partner: “This handwriting is terrible.”

Me:You took my homework!”

I reach over and grab the paper. He grabs it back.

Lab Partner: “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Me: “That’s my handwriting and my name at the top, dumba**!”

Lab Partner: “No, it isn’t!”

Me: “Oh, really? Watch this.”

I raise my hand and my teacher comes over.

Me: “Mrs. [Teacher], [Lab Partner] has found my homework.”

He tries to shove the homework under his book. My teacher intercepts him and hands it back to me.

Lab Partner: “I didn’t do anything! That’s mine.”

Teacher: “[Lab Partner], are you really going to try this?”

Lab Partner: “I found it in the pickup box, so it’s mine now!”

My teacher facepalms and sighs.

Teacher: “Good grief. [Lab Partner], you get a zero. Try that again and it’s in-school suspension for you.”

She walks away.

Lab Partner: “Well, that was stupid of me.”

Me: “You think?!”

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Feeling A Little Spacey

, , , , , , | Learning | December 8, 2020

It’s 2002, and I’m the treasurer of my eleventh-grade class. One day, the other officers — president, vice president, and secretary — and I are getting some letters ready to mail to the parents of our fellow students. One of the other officers starts laughing.

Officer #1: “Look at this name! It’s so funny!”

She shows us an envelope with “Buzz” on it as the first name of someone’s dad. The other two officers join in the laughter.

Me: “It’s unusual, but it’s the name of an astronaut.”

Officer #2: “Really?”

Officer #3: “Oh, right; Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story.”

Me: “No, Buzz Aldrin.”

They stare blankly.

Me: “Apollo 11?”

They continue to stare blankly.

Me: “The second man on the moon, after Neil Armstrong? I know we all learned about it in history; we were in the same class.”

Officers: *Unconvincingly* “Oh, right, right. Him. Yes, I remember.”

I don’t think they actually remembered.

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Pulled Her Out Of The Path Of That Bullet

, , , , , | Learning | December 6, 2020

It’s 1988 or 1989. During the lunch break, I am talking with three other girls in my class. We are all sixteen years old. [Girl #1] has been watching too many American high school movies and thinks she is the queen bee in the class. She isn’t. We don’t have one.

Girl #1: *Looking smug* “My new boyfriend has a car.”

We all look at her oddly. You can’t get a driver’s license until you are eighteen. At this time, there is a 180% luxury tax and then 25% VAT on new cars, so none of us know any eighteen-year-olds who own a car.

Girl #2:  “A car? How old is he?”

Girl #1: *Proudly* “Twenty-six!”

Me: “Gaaah!”

Girl #2: “Eeeeew!”

Girl #3: “Whaaaat?”

Me: “What the h*** do you want with a twenty-six-year-old man?”

Girl #2: “What the h*** does a twenty-six-year-old man want with you?!

[Girl #1] is still fiercely proud, despite our reactions.

Girl #1:He says I am very mature for my age.”

We all give her a silent stare for a moment. We have known her for years. She is NOT mature for her age; the queen bee thing, among other things, is a good example. [Girl #1] seems to understand the silence correctly, as she is now going quiet.

Girl #2: “Can you imagine being a twenty-six-year-old man and having to explain to your mates that you are dating a girl who is sixteen years old?”

Me: “They’ll say it’s because he can’t handle a grown-up woman.”

The age of consent in Denmark was and is fifteen, but it isn’t exactly normal to date at fifteen.

One of the boys in our class walks by and asks what we are talking about. When [Girl #2] says it is about [Girl #1] dating a twenty-six-year-old man with a car, he gives [Girl #1] a “What the f***?” look and goes away again. 

[Girl #1] broke up with the man the same day. Apparently, the main reason she was dating him was to impress the rest of us. She still thinks she was the queen bee and wants to talk about it at class reunions. It is sad, really.

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