Tabling This Inspection

| USA | Learning | April 11, 2017

(We have an annual week of school inspection. We are in math class when one inspector is watching. I have a really blunt teacher who absolutely hates this one student who talks back at anything, always trying to prove her wrong. The teacher is unnaturally nice and has us gather our desks in groups of three [with a hole in the middle of where the desks can’t meet] and play games in the groups.)

Me: *playing a dice game with my two friends at the table*

(Suddenly, there is a loud BANG! We all look back and see the student the teacher doesn’t like sprawled on the floor with the desk overturned.)

Teacher: *in a quiet and caring voice* “What happened? Are you all right?”

Student: “Uh, yes. The dice fell through the table and I tried to climb over the desk to get it back.”

Inspector: *smiles, shakes head, and writes something down on her clipboard*

Teacher: “—you climbed over your desk.”

Student: “How else was I going to get it?”

Teacher: “Just go to the nurse.” *pats him awkwardly*

(When the inspector was gone the next day, she sure had a go at him.)

Never Going To Retire That Narcissism

| MO, USA | Working | April 11, 2017

When my boss retired, I was instructed to make a PowerPoint for his going away party. Something featuring a bunch of pictures of him, so we could all remember his time with us and how much we were going to miss him. It was to be set to music.

It was my retiring boss who told me to do this.

This Lesson Is Getting Heated

| UK | Learning | April 4, 2017

(We are conducting an experiment where we need to heat a test tube containing a substance to see how it reacts. Most of us are doing fine, but one girl keeps having issues. There have been several smashes of tubes from her station when the teacher intervenes.)

Teacher: “[Girl], what are doing?”

Girl: “Sir, the test tube keeps breaking.”

Teacher: “You’ve been putting them under the tap after heating them.”

Girl: “I know.”

Teacher: “Why?”

Girl: “Because they’re getting hot.”

Teacher: “But… that’s why they’re smashing: rapid expansion from the heat and shrinking from the cold. And, [Girl], this isn’t even part of today’s practical.”

Me: “But, sir, they’re getting hot!”

Teacher: “They’re supposed to.” *pinching his nose* “Please, just follow the exercise book.”

(She tried, but she couldn’t get beyond the fact that heating up glass made it hot. By the end of the year, she had broken so much equipment they had to increase the budget. Our teacher stuck with her, though, and she managed to pass with a B.)

That Was A Sickly Sweet Thing To Do

| UK | Learning | April 3, 2017

(My boyfriend and I sit together in our Religions Studies class at school. We’re talking about a vampire movie we saw the night before, and my boyfriend produces a bottle of strawberry-flavoured syrup we were using on the ice cream we were eating.)

Me: “Kind of beautiful, having something that looks like blood while watching Underworld.”

Boyfriend: *with a glint in his eye* “Would you like a taste, my sweet?”

(He then dribbles some on his wrist. The syrup is far too transparent to be considered anywhere near real blood, but because I’m weird I decide to play along.)

Me: “Of course, my darling. Mmmmm, fresh man’s blood.”

(As I start making out with his wrist, the girl in front of us turns around, obviously wondering what we we’re talking about. She doesn’t look too impressed so I lift my mouth. I can’t tell from her expression that she’s clocked the “blood.” She locks eyes with me. I feel the syrup on my teeth when I smile.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Boyfriend: *playing along and extending his wrist to her* “Would you like a taste?”

(I’ve never seen someone go white so fast. She didn’t even have time to scream before blacking out. We both got in trouble for our macabre performance, but to be honest, it serves her right for eavesdropping on our conversation.)

Mr. Bond 2.0

| UK | Learning | April 2, 2017

(We’re in media class discussing what to do for coursework. My friend is holding a flashdrive and we both look at it in silence for a moment.)

Friend: “Can I insert my USB into your port?”

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