You’ve Lost Your Marbles

, , , | Learning | June 15, 2017

(I am in the teacher’s staff room during break. Another teacher comes in and sits down on the same sofa as me. She practically goes pale.)

Me: “Are you all right?”

Teacher: *shaking her head* “I… there’s something on the sofa.”

Me: “What? Get up and let’s see.”

Teacher: *shaking her head more* “No.”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Teacher: “I…”

(I lean in.)

Teacher: “I… I’VE S**T MYSELF!”

(She jumps up screaming that she needs to get to a toilet, but not sure how she can without running into students. I stare in disbelief for a moment before looking down at the seat. I start to laugh.)

Me: “[Teacher]! [TEACHER]! It was just a marble.”

(She stops jumping around and stares at the marble for a second before joining me in the laughter.)

Teacher: “That’s a relief!”

(Break ended ten minutes later, and as we stepped outside, every student there screamed “I’VE S*** MYSELF!”)

Take A Pause And Consider Equality

, , , , , | Friendly | June 14, 2017

(I have a rainbow flag pin with equal signs for marriage equality. As I’m walking home from school with a friend she notices my button.)

Friend: “Why do you have a pause button on your backpack?”

You’ll Be The Prints-able One Day

, , , , , | Learning | June 12, 2017

(As part of our degree program we are required to go on a total of three placements, the first of which must be in a school. For my first placement I am put in a grade seven classroom. The kids have just started learning how to use a computer program that allows them to make bridges. In addition to there being a placement student (me) in the class, there is also an EA. This woman is crazy. She is seriously always two seconds away from being raging pissed. The students fear this woman; they find her hilarious, but are respectful. The students are assigned to use this pretty neat bridge building program to make a bridge that follows certain criteria. If they are able to successfully create said bridge, they are to print it out and hand it in and head outside. All is going well with the world, until this one kid, that is. Obviously, despite knowing how to use computers, he was never taught the proper etiquette. By that, I mean if your document doesn’t come out the first time you click print, don’t just keep clicking it fifty million times. However, he doesn’t know this. Not until the EA from hell goes over to the printer to see why it is going nuts.)

EA: “WHOSE BRIDGE IS THIS?! ONE! THAT’S HOW MANY COPIES YOU NEED TO PRINT! JUST ONE! WHOSE IS THIS, HUH? I WANT AN ANSWER NOW!”

(I notice the student responsible as his face turns the colour of snow and I’m pretty sure I can see the sweat drops from where I stand. I discreetly slink over, hands in pockets, and without making eye contact drop a little advice.)

Me: “So for future notice, if it doesn’t print the first time, just give it a minute, all right?”

Kid: “Uh… yeah… um…” *sweats*

Me: “I would suggest slowly making your way outside now and uh… don’t make any sudden moves.”

Kid: “But my… ?”

Me: *smiles* “Unless you want to go fetch it yourself, I’d suggest leaving it to me.”

(The kid then walked out of class like he was miming a burglar from an old black and white film. I then went up to the EA, who was so pissed at this point that she was spitting all over the place, pretended I had no clue who would do such a thing, snuck one of the fifty sheets, put the kid’s name on it, and slipped it into the middle of the pile. I’m pretty sure it was this incident that made me suddenly become this kid’s hero. And I can assure you this kid never clicked that print button more than once. In fact, I think he was afraid of the printer for a while.)

Has A Couple Of Problems

, , | Related | June 9, 2017

(My mom is very conservative, and any time a couple shows PDA, she yells, even in movies. I don’t like it either, but my school is chock full of couples, and my mom thinks that I’m just exaggerating. One day, she goes to visit me in school, and is shocked. She finds me, grabs me, and we go to her car and get in.)

Mom: “I just saw this couple walking together, and the guy had his arm around the girl’s shoulders. They stopped to talk with a teacher, and the guy reached in the girl’s shirt and started massaging her boob!”

Me: *not surprised* “Oh, really. That is SO surprising.”

Mom: “Can you believe they would do that in public? You young people are SO shameless!”

(She treated me to an earful about how messed up my generation is, and how future generations will be even more so. So thank you, couple who couldn’t wait, for upsetting her and have her lecture at me for hours!)

Trying To Get A Foothold On The Performance

, , , , | Learning | June 9, 2017

(I am in an adult improv class. Our first public performance is tomorrow night. The teacher is going over what students need to know about the show.)

Student #1: “Do we have to wear shoes tomorrow night for the performance?”

Teacher: “Yes, you have to wear shoes.”

Student #2: “Do flip-flops count?”

Teacher: “Seriously? Why can’t you just wear normal shoes?”

Student #2: “I don’t wear shoes.”

Teacher: “What if you were going to a wedding?”

Student #2: “I don’t go to weddings.”

Student #3: “What if I henna’d my feet?”

Teacher: “Okay, if you go to the trouble to get your feet henna’d by tomorrow, you can go barefoot.”

Student #2: “I just don’t feel grounded if I’m wearing shoes.”

Teacher: “Remember when I said last week that you can wear anything you want, but to make some effort to look nice?!”

Student #3: “Bare feet look nice.”

(Did I mention that this was a class for ADULTS?)

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