(I am picking up my 4th grade daughter from school. As I stop the car at the curb, a boy nearby is calling to her and waving.)

Boy: “Bye, Anna! See you tomorrow!”

(My daughter ignores him and climbs in the car.)

Me: “Hi, dear, don’t you want to say goodbye to your friend? He’s waving at you!”

Daughter: “He’s not my friend! I don’t like him!”

Me: “Oh, really, why not?”

Daughter: “He said he wants to ‘hump’ me!”

Me: *taken aback* “Oh! Um… uh… What do you suppose that means?”

Daughter: “I don’t know, but it sounds gross!”

Me: “Good girl. Let’s go now.”

(My friend and fellow language school teacher are walking the streets on the way to movie and pizza.  He’s makes an observation.)

Coworker: “You seem to make all Korean people happy. ”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “All the Koreans that look at me kind of scowl, and then they look at you and smile.”

Me: “That might be because you tend to scowl at people, and I tend to smile?”

Coworker: “Okay, but our bosses get you tons of help. Like that vacation for your family reunion; you know you could have gotten a full ten weeks. And they’re practically trying to set up your love life. Why is that?”

Me: “I do lots of extra stuff for them. Plus, I don’t tend to worry about whether the Koreans are plotting against me.”

Coworker: “Huh. Maybe that’s it…”

(I’m hanging out with a couple of kids at an after-school program. Two of them are brothers.)

Boy: *burps loudly*

Boy’s Brother: “Watch your manners!”

Boy: “Thank you!”

(My first boyfriend and I are thirteen, and we are having our first fight. Neither of us has ever kissed anyone. We find a relatively empty hallway to argue in. None of my friends know I have a boyfriend, and we’re both big nerds.)

Me: “I can’t believe you! I… I… I hope you step on a Lego!”

Boyfriend: “Oh, yeah? I hope you step on a Lego set.”

Me: “I hope you step on the Lego Eiffel Tower!”

Boyfriend: “Well, I hope you step on a Lego Taj Mahal.”

Me: “I hope you step on a Lego Super Star Destroyer!”

Boyfriend: “Really? I hope you step on a Lego Death Star!”

Me: “That would be the destruction of art.”

(With no warning, he steps forward and kisses me. I am kind of surprised at first, but we have been kissing for about five seconds when my two best friends turn the corner of the hallway, looking for me. They know him as my good guy friend and stop in shock.)

Me: “I… we…”

Boyfriend: “Well, she said stepping on a Lego Death Star would be the destruction of art, and I really couldn’t help it.”

(My friends practically fell over themselves laughing. Ten years later, he proposed to me on Valentine’s Day evening. We’re getting married in May, and my friends are set to be my bridesmaids. Whenever anyone asks how we met, I tell them I threatened to step on the Death Star.)

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(I’m volunteering at my school’s concession stand at a football game. An elderly man comes up to the register. There’s a very long, impatient line.)

Me: “Hello sir, welcome to [school name], home of the [mascot]! How may I help you?”

Man: “I’ll have two hot dogs, a pretzel with cheese, nachos, a Diet Coke and a Sprite.”

(I hand him the hot dogs and sodas. The kids in the back are still working on the nachos and pretzel.)

Man: “Where’s my pretzel and nachos?”

(Right as he says this, the pretzel is ready. It comes wrapped in wax paper with a cup of cheese, and I hand it to him.)

Man: “What’s this?”

Me: “A pretzel with cheese.”

Man: “No! I want it in a tray!”

(I take the pretzel back and ask for a nacho tray. The nachos are still not yet ready.)

Me: “That’ll be $7.50, please.”

Man: *has money out and I attempt to take it* “Hold on, don’t take my money until I get my prize!”

Me: “Sir, there is at least $200 in cash in this register. If I wanted to steal money, I’d just grab some when nobody was looking, not from some guy who’s holding up a line!”

Man: *takes his food and backs away sheepishly*