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Readin’, Ritin’, And Retrievin’

| Right | July 7, 2011

Me: “Good morning, you have reached [high school]. How can I help you?”

Parent: “My son left his cell phone at the convenience store three blocks over. Can you go get it?”

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Makeup Quiz For A Madeup Flu

| Right | July 4, 2011

(A student who has missed class and calls me a day later to explain her absence.)

Student: “I need to take the quiz I missed yesterday.”

Me: “Remember, quizzes cannot be made up.”

Student: “I missed class yesterday because my son is sick.”

Little voice in the background: “Momma, I’m sick?”

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A Whole New Grade Of Stupidity

| Right | June 22, 2011

(An online math student is calling to complain about her grade. Her assignment was submitted three days late.)

Me: “The assignment was late by three days. The 30% late penalty cost you 18 points.”

Caller: “But it’s not right. 30% of 60 is not 18.”

Me: “Yes, it is. Think of it as three times six.”

Caller: *counting in a low voice* “Yeah, I guess it is. But the late penalty shouldn’t apply to me.”

Me: “Why is that?”

Caller: “Because I submitted the assignment BEFORE you graded it.”

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Apparently Bad Parenting, Part 2

| Right | May 13, 2011

Customer: “I need to pick up my daughter. She’s in the eighth grade.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. The eighth graders are testing right now and they’ve only been testing for about forty five minutes. I don’t think she’s done.”

Customer: “But we have a plane to catch!”

Me: “Well, why didn’t you just not send her to school? I mean, what time is your flight?”

Customer: “8:45!”

Me: “Ma’am, that was thirty minutes ago. I don’t think you’re making it anyways.”

Customer: “But it’s central time zone!”

Me: “We’re in the central time zone, ma’am.”

Customer: “Don’t correct me! I don’t care if she fails. I just don’t want to lose my dignity!”

 

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Not Just For Kicks

, , , , , , , , | Right | December 13, 2010

(I am an instructor at a Chinese martial arts school. An American teenager comes in.)

Boy: “So, do you teach all kinds of Chinese martial arts here?”

Me: “Yes, Courses are mainly in Chinese, but we can translate for you. There are quite a few Americans that learn here. What are you interested in?”

(He names several fake martial arts from novels made into television.)

Me: “Um… you’re joking, right?”

Boy: “Oh, do you not teach those?”

Me: “You’re serious?”

Boy: “Oh, yeah. I love watching them on TV and I want to learn it myself!”

Me: “You know they’re not real martial arts, right? It’s all made up in the stories.”

Boy: “You just don’t want to teach a foreigner, do you?”

Me: “No, it isn’t real. None of us here know them.”

Boy: “Oh, I’ll go somewhere else.”

Me: “No one can teach those. They’re fake.”

Boy: “Oh, I get it. You think it’s fake because you don’t know it yourself. I guess the manuals are lost and someone needs to find them. Don’t worry, I’ll be that person!”

(The boy leaves and comes back a minute later.)

Boy: “Hey, could I have a look at all your weapons?”

Me: “Why?”

Boy: “Maybe the manuals are hidden in them. At least please show me your swords and sabers. Just clash them together.”

(He’s referring to a plot in one of those novels.)

Me: *understanding that reference* “It was already recovered long ago in the Yuan dynasty, remember? They’re empty now.”

Boy: “Oh, sure. Now I’m going to find the new hiding place. Thanks for your time!”


This story is part of the Lunar New Year roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

14 Terrible Customers At Chinese Restaurants

 

Read the next Lunar New Year roundup story!

Read the Lunar New Year roundup!

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