(Our economics teacher is a little odd.)

Teacher: “Why are you late?”

Student: “I didn’t see the changes in my schedule.”

Teacher: “Well, there’s this handy app where you can look it up.”

Student: “I tried to, but it didn’t work.”

Teacher: “But, of course. If you don’t have a smartphone or something like that, it’s no wonder it doesn’t work.”

Student: “I’ve got an iPhone. Like you.”

Teacher: “Well, then it’s probably because you’re a woman.”

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(I am an American teaching English in Japan. In the Japanese school system the school year ends in March and picks up in April. The schools I work in are not heated or air conditioned. Being a California native, when it’s snowing outside and there’s no heat in the classrooms I wear about four layers to cope, but during the break the weather has warmed up enough to wear normal layers. This occurs after we come back from our brief, one month break. I’ve been working there for nine months. I am walking from the teacher’s room to the classroom with the teacher I am co-teaching the next class with.)

Teacher: “How is the previous English teacher doing?”

Me: *thinking back to the girl I replaced* “You mean Jennifer?”

Teacher: *gives me an unsure look*

Me: “She had red hair, was tall, and came from Colorado.”

Teacher: “No, no. Not her.”

Me: *thinking back further* “Do you mean Eric? He used to teach here two years ago?”

Teacher: “No. No, not a man.”

Me: “I don’t think there was anyone here before that.”

Teacher: “No, the recent one! The fat girl from California!”

Me: “Um… That would be me…”

Teacher: “…”

(I’m in class for my military training. During a lecture, I get a strong call from Mother Nature. I quietly tell the person next to me to assure accountability and leave. I haven’t been feeling good the past few days so I’m there for twenty minutes. When I get back the class is on a short break. The acting squad leader approaches me.)

Squad Leader: “Where’d you go?”

Me: “Latrine.”

Squad Leader: “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Me: “I told the person next to me. Did she not say anything?”

Squad Leader: “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Me: “You were across the room…”

Squad Leader: “You need to tell me when you leave!”

Me: “It was urgent! You were 20 feet away!”

Squad Leader: “You need to tell me!”

Me: *giving up* “Okay, fine.”

(He leaves, satisfied. I turn to another classmate who was eavesdropping.)

Me: “Does he seriously expect me to interrupt a lecture by screaming ‘I gotta poop!’ across the room?”

Classmate: “Well, this is the Army…”

(I am in my final year of secondary school. We’re covering the Nazi Party in depth which includes a small bit about the First and Second World Wars. The class has gotten off topic somewhat, and is instead singing a derogative song about Hitler.)

Student: “So… did the Germans win the war?”

(There is a very long and awkward pause.)

Student’s Boyfriend: “Don’t you think we’d be singing a different song if Germany won?”

(I have stepped briefly out of the classroom, and as I’m walking back I hear my four-year-olds saying:)

Four-Year Olds: “She’s coming! Quick! Hide!”

(I have no idea what has brought this on, but the other teacher seems fine with it. As I re-enter I can OBVIOUSLY see them in corners and under tables and their giggling is quite evident. One boy suddenly appears in front of me. I have no idea where he came from.)

Four-Year-Old Boy: “I’m nowhere to be found!”