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They Aren’t The Perfect Match (Point)

| Romantic | February 25, 2012

Me: “Okay, my love. You have to go now. You’ll be late! Don’t get in trouble because of me.”

Boyfriend: “Fine, fine I’m going. I’ll text you, okay?”

(We say our goodbyes and walk our separate ways. After a few yards of walking, I run back to my boyfriend, telling him I forgot to tell him something. He says the same.)

Me: “I forgot to tell you: I love you with all my heart.”

Boyfriend: “I forgot to tell you: I have tennis practice at 6.”

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He Shoots, We Score

| Related | February 23, 2012

(I’m sick at college. In an effort to spare my roommate some of my misery, I wandered down to the study lounge. Unfortunately, not long after I got there, a couple decided that it was the perfect place to get intimate, and I rushed out.)

Me: *in a text to my mother* “And, the RAs aren’t doing anything about it!”

Mom: “Well, you could get a group of people to go in with scorecards and rate their performance!”

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Together, They Make Quite A Combination

| Romantic | February 1, 2012

(All the boys have to clean out their gym lockers because the school is planning on fixing the lockers. I decide to hang my combination lock from my belt loop because I can’t fit my lock in my bag with my gym clothes in it. I walk up to my girlfriend.)

Me: “Hey, [girlfriend’s name]!”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Me: *shows the lock* “You hold the combination to my pants.”

Girlfriend: *turns beet red* “Oh, dear God.” *starts cracking up*

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No One Wants Seconds In A Cafeteria

| Romantic | January 15, 2012

Guy: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “Um, no.”

Guy: “Do you want me to be your boyfriend?”

Me: “Uh, well–”

Guy: “Hold on a second! You’re my second choice! There goes my first
choice! I’ll be back after I ask her!”

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Financially Bankrupt, Circumstantially Bereft, And Substantially Boneheaded

| Right | January 6, 2012

(I work for the financial aid department at a local tech school. A student comes in and asks about his student loans.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Student: *dismayed response* “Yeah, I want to check my student loans request.”

Me: “Sure thing. Can I get a student ID number?”

Student: “I ain’t got one.”

Me: “Can I have your last and first name?”

Student: “Yeah.”

(There’s an awkward silence as he doesn’t say anything.)

Me: “Sir, may I get your last and first name?”

Student: *gives name*

(I search for the student, but can’t find him.)

Me: “Sir, are you a student here?”

Student: “I ain’t got time for this! I want my money!”

Me: “Sir, you have to be a student to get student loans.”

Student: *shocked* “Oh, s***, really?”

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