(We are reviewing possessives in French class.)

Teacher: “The possessive depends on whether the noun is singular or plural.”

Student #1: “Are you… single?”

Teacher: *facepalm*

Student #2: “Ooh! Ooh! Are you single? ‘Cause I’m single, and we can be plural together!”

Teacher: “I. Am. Teaching. A French. Class… NOT A CLASS ON HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN!”

Student #2: “Are you an angel? Because I’m allergic to feathers…”

Teacher: “That’s not even how it goes…”

Student #3: “[Student #2], it’s supposed be ‘did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?'” Mine is; ‘did you fall from a B14? ‘Cause you’re a bomb!'”

(I am in my ninth grade history class and we are given a writing assignment. I choose a subject I am very interested in, and am excited to do the paper because I normally get very poor grades due to confidence issues. This time I am confident about my ability. A couple days after I turn in my paper, my mother gets this phone call.)

Teacher: “I think [My Name] plagiarized her paper.”

Mom: “What?! She would never do that. What makes you think that?”

Teacher: “Frankly, it’s too good. One of the best papers I’ve ever had in this class. I know she couldn’t have done it.”

Mom: “She chose a subject she loves. Of course it’s good!”

Teacher: “She simply doesn’t have the work ethic to do this good of a paper. She needs to bring in all of the books she cited for this paper to prove she didn’t plagiarize.”

Mom: *furious but trying to stay calm* “Okay. If she brings them in what will her grade be?”

Teacher: “An ‘A,’ of course.”

Mom: “And if she doesn’t?”

Teacher: “A ‘D.'”

Mom: “I was with her when she went to the library for these. One of the books had a cover that was falling off, and I don’t think they will have it back in circulation. What if she can’t find it?”

Teacher: “That’s not my problem. I have no proof that book even exists.”

(My mom and I tried our valiant best to find another copy of that book, even looking in other libraries, to no avail. I ended up getting a “D” on “one of the best papers” to go through that class. For the record, I transferred schools and became a straight-A student and graduated a couple years ago with a double-major bachelor degree in the same amount of time as a single degree. Some teachers just need to show a little more faith in their students!)

(My mom is a daycare teacher with kids aged two to five in one area of the centre. In another area there’s a before- and after-school program for kids aged six to twelve. They’re doing a games day, and are making signs for it. My mom goes to their room to talk to one of the teachers. A lot of the children had her as their teacher when they were little, so they know her.)

Children: “Ms. [Mom], Ms. [Mom], come look at our signs!”

(My mom looks at the painted banners, each with the name of a different game or event, e.g. Three Legged Race, Sack Race, etc. Everything is fine until she gets to the banner for the Capture the Flag game.)

Mom: “Um… how did you make these signs, guys?”

Children: “Well each person got to draw and colour in our letter.”

Mom: *calls for the older kid’s teacher* “Did you proof-read these signs?”

Other Teacher: “No. Why?”

Mom: *points at the sign which should read CAPTURE THE FLAG, but is missing the letter ‘L.’*

Other Teacher: “Oh, my gosh!”

(I just got off work and I am at my cousin’s basketball tournament as her parents are out of town. I am hungry so I go get some food from the concession stand. When I go there is only a cooler full of drinks and a girl about sixteen standing there.)

Me: “Do you guys have any food?”

Girl: “We make it in the back. Everything on the menu!”

Me: “Okay!” * looks at menu* “I will have a pulled pork sandwich, please.”

Girl: “Sorry, we are all out.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ll take a Brat.”

Girl: “Sorry, we are all out of that, too.”

Me: “Hot dog?”

Girl: “No, sorry.”

Me: “Okay, how about a piece of pizza?”

Girl: “No, sorry.”

Me: “That’s fine, I will just have a [soda] and some popcorn, then.”

Girl: *nods and gets me a [soda] and popcorn*

Me: “Thank you.”

(I start to walk when a another woman comes up and orders.)

Woman: “I will have a pulled pork sandwich.”

Girl: “Yeah, sure!” *goes and brings one out*

Me: “Hey, I thought you didn’t have any!”

Girl: “Oh, I am saving the good food for my home team.”

(Just then, a man walks from the back.)

Man: “No wonder we been so slow! That’s really stupid, [Girl]!” *to me* “Miss, I will get you one now.”

(He gets me my sandwich and comes back.)

Me: “How much?”

Man: “It’s on the house.” *turns to girl* “You are grounded, young lady, and tonight we are going have a talk about how real life works.”

(This happens in fourth grade; Student #1 always forgets to do his homework and gives the dumbest excuses to the teacher.)

Teacher: “All right, please bring your homework to me.”

Student #1: *looks in bag* “Oh, shoot.”

Teacher: *sighs* “What happened this time? Did aliens take it?”

Student #1: “I know I usually make stuff up, but my kitten snuck into my bag and tore it up.” *pulls out kitten*

Whole Class: “Aww, can I hold him?”

Teacher: “May I see the paper?”

Student #1: “Um, it’s in tiny pieces.”

Teacher: “Give me your bag, now.”

Student #1: *reluctantly hands bag over*

Teacher: “Lets see: cat hair, trash… I don’t see any shreds of paper. Oh, here’s the homework, not completed, and other than being wrinkled it’s in perfect condition.”

(He let the kitten wander around and play in the classroom until the student’s mom came to pick the kitten up.)