(I can’t find my PE kit and go to see if I left it in the changing rooms. I can’t see it but find the teacher wandering around.)

Me: “I can’t find my PE kit. Have you seen it anywhere?”

Teacher: “We’re not responsible.”

Me: “I’m sure, but have you seen it?”

Teacher: “We’re not responsible if your things go missing.”

Me: “I didn’t say you were. I just wondered if you’d seen it lying around. Or if there’s a lost property bin somewhere?”

Teacher: “We’re not responsible.”

Me: “Listen carefully. I’m not trying to blame you. I’m just asking if you could help me find it.”

Teacher: “We’re not responsible!”

(I have been feeling ill all day, but since we have an important exam, I decide to just bite the bullet. It is just after lunch, about half an hour before the exam, and we are all filing into the exam room to wait.)

Teacher: “[My Name], you’re green! Are you all right?”

Me: *trying to not to sound it* “I’m fine. Just a little under the weather.”

Teacher: “I think you can do better than that. You’re the colour of algae!”

(She disappeared for a couple of minutes and I sat down. She came back with my tutor and bit his head off, demanding I be sent home. I managed a weak protest, but secretly I was thankful. She arranged to have me sit the exam next week. I had four lessons that day, each with a different teacher. I was also seen by many other teachers during the day, but she was the only one who paid any interest and the first time a teacher at that school showed genuine concern. Whatever they’re paying her, it doesn’t come close to what she’s actually worth.)

(I always had the reputation of being very innocent and naive; this unfortunately means that my classmates often get a kick out of manipulating me. This particular story takes place in sixth grade. I’ve finished my work and am idly looking at the bulletin board behind me where I see something that confuses me.)

Me: “What’s ‘Luck you’ mean?”

Classmate: “Try putting a “F” at the beginning?”

Me: “F*** you?””

(The teacher hears me and storms over.)

Teacher: “[My Name], what did you just say?”

Me: “F*** you.”

(I then get dragged to the principal’s office and suspended for a week. My mom is not happy about this and goes to the school.)

Mom: “[My Name] didn’t mean any harm. She didn’t know what she was saying.”

Principal: “There’s no way a 12-year-old couldn’t know what that word means.”

Mom: *indignant* “Excuse me; my 12-year-old doesn’t know that word and I worked very hard to ensure that.”

(They eventually changed the punishment to a shorter suspension and an essay but refused to remove it completely. To add insult to injury, I later found out my classmate did it on purpose, instead of not realizing what she was getting me into like I had always believed, and got away with it because she was a local golden girl.)

(In our singing class, we are singing a traditional Finnish song about a young woman who accidentally becomes pregnant. Our teacher is trying to play a recording of the song from a streaming music service, but the service shows an advertisement before plays the song.)

Teacher: “Oh, I have to watch an ad… for Clearblue ovulation predictor.”

Class: *cracks up laughing*

(My son was one of the fourth-grade representatives for the All-School Spelling Bee. I attended the Bee, which had student classroom winners from first-eighth grade on the stage. This gem happens in the first round:)

Announcer: “[Eighth-grade student], your word is…’banana’.”

Eighth-Grade Student: “Banana. B-A-N…” *pause* “…N-A-N-A. Banana.”

(Immediately, the school audience gasped… and several people shook their heads in surprise. Meanwhile, the speller turned several shades of red as he realized what he had just done. He was the first contestant to sit down. The ultimate kicker: A SECOND-GRADER won the School Bee — with the word “oddity”!)