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Makes You Want To Hit The Bottle

| Learning | April 26, 2015

(Our fourth-grade class is on a field trip, and we’re all singing “This Is the Song That Never Ends”. This goes on for nearly ten minutes before the teacher looks like she’s had enough.)

Teacher: “All right, how about we pick a song that DOES end, okay?”

(We promptly started singing “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” I wonder why she quit after that year.)


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Not Painting A Pretty Picture

| Friendly | March 7, 2015

(I grew up in rural Utah. The society is pretty standoff-ish to non-Mormons in these small towns, which is basically everywhere but the Salt Lake City area.)

Me: *showing off something I drew on my hand during class* “Look, [Cousin]! I think I did pretty good with this one!”

Devout Friend: *makes a face* “I don’t believe in paint-balling temples.”

Me: *thinking she meant it literally* “Oh no! When did that happen? That’s horrible that someone would do that!”

Cousin: “…she means you drawing on your hand. Mormons think your body is a temple and drawing on it is defiling it.”

(I didn’t say anything but the most annoying part is that she knew I wasn’t one of them. I had made the mistake of calling her years before on a Sunday morning to ask if we could play because I was bored and she called me back in tears saying how she wanted my soul to be saved. She’s more tolerant now, but she was known for these things when younger.)

What Came First, The Chicken Or The Joke?

| Learning | January 23, 2015

(I have a bit of a reputation for telling bad jokes. As I’m sitting on the bus, the driver and I notice a chicken crossing the road.)

Bus Driver: “Don’t you dare say it!”

Me: “Aww…”

Calculate And Articulate

| Learning | June 17, 2014

(I’m on the bus. My good friend just transferred to my bus, and I’m pretty excited.)

Me: “You should ADD some happiness in your life!”

(I hand her a ‘+’ sign from a calculator I ripped up.)

Me: “You are just 2 awesome!”

(I hand her the ‘2’ key.)

Me: “I’m sure you’ll be awesome 4-ever!”

(I hand her the ‘4’ key.)

Me: “I think you 8 a bowl of Awesome Flakes for breakfast!”

(I hand her the ‘8’ key.)

Me: “This is your chance of failing!”

(I hand her the ‘0’.)

Me: *holding the MRC button but not really knowing what to say* “M, R, and C… uh… are letters?”

(I hand it to her.)

Me: “If you asked a German person if you were lame, he would say 9!”

(I hand her the ‘9’.)

Me: “Your chance of being awesome are 100%!”

(I hand her the ‘%’ key.)

Me: *handing her the ‘+/-‘ key* “You should ADD some happiness, DIVIDE up your problems, and SUBTRACT them from your life!”

Me: “When people walk by you and see how pretty you are, they say DIME, girl!”

(I hand her a dime.)

Me: “You’re really smart, and you dress SHARP!”

(I hand her my scissors.)

Friend #1: “Take these back! Stop handing me stuff!”

Friend #2: *to me* “You need to be PUNished!”

Bus Driving Me Mad

| Learning | September 23, 2013

(My daughter is starting high school, and she has just had her freshman orientation. I go to pick her up from school during my lunch break, and I have to get back to work soon. As we’re leaving the parking lot, there are about 10 buses lined up next to the sidewalk. There’s a fairly large amount of room next to the buses, as it is a road out. The buses are not in the road.)

Bus Driver: *beeps horn* “You can’t cross the red light!”

Me: “I’m not, I’m on a different road than where your buses are parked.”

Bus Driver: “YOU CAN’T CROSS THE RED LIGHT!”

Me: “I have to get back to work soon, and I’m not in your way. Please let me go.”

Bus Driver: “If you cross the red light you could kill someone!”

(There is nobody in front of the buses, or my car. By now, there are about 30 cars behind me, waiting to get out.)

Me: “I need to get my daughter home, and I’m not in your way. Just let me go.”

(I start to leave, and the bus driver starts beeping loudly and yelling.)

Bus Driver: “YOU CAN’T CROSS THE RED LIGHT! I’LL WRITE YOUR LICENSE PLATE DOWN AND YOU’LL BE FINED $450!”

Me: “There is no need to do that! I’m not even in your way.”

(By now, I’m already late back to work, and I still haven’t left the parking lot. Thankfully, the school principal comes to talk to the driver.)

Principal: “You need to let these people go, they’ve been waiting for 15 minutes and you’re holding them up.”

Bus Driver: “But they can’t cross the red light! Its illegal! They could kill a child!”

Principal: “All of the children here are already in the buses or are waiting in the car for you to let them go. Just let these cars pass and we can get your buses out of here, okay?”

Bus Driver: “But they can’t cross the red light!”

(The principal ignores the driver and signals us to leave. Once I get home from work I call the bus company to complain. I sure hope that the mean driver isn’t my daughter’s bus driver!)