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The Phone That Cried Wolf

, , , , , , | Related | September 26, 2018

I am sixteen. The flip phone I have doesn’t have customizable ringtones, just the ones that came with it. I’ve been struggling to notice when my phone rings, so I am cycling through all the preset ringtones to find one that will get my attention. I finally decide to try “wolf howl.” How could I not notice that?

A few weeks later I am waiting for a bus and I hear a dog just going nuts, nonstop. I keep turning to try and figure out where it is coming from, but it always seems to be behind me no matter where I turn.

Finally, the bus comes, the sound stops, and I forget about it.

Until I get home… And my mom yells at me for not answering my phone.

Put That As A Death Note On His Resume

, , , , , , , | Working | April 6, 2018

(I work in a small brick-and-mortar bookstore in my town. We hire a new guy, who only lasts for three days because enough staff complain about him. I only work one day with him, but he gets fired the next day after exchanges like this.)

New Guy: “I seriously don’t understand why people buy books anymore.”

Me: “Then why do you work in a bookstore?”

New Guy: “No, no, no. I like books; I just don’t see why other people like them.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

New Guy: “Well, when [Manager] asked me in my interview if I read books, I told her lots, but I think the last physical book I read was Death Note back in 2003.”

Me:Death Note didn’t get published in North America until 2005.”

New Guy: “Huh. It was more recently than I thought; 2005 is pretty good.”

Me: “That was 12 years ago.”

New Guy: “Well, do you read all the time, then? When did you last finish a book?”

Me: “I am currently reading Universal Harvester—” *which is in my hands* “—and I just finished reading Misery by Stephen King a week or two ago.”

New Guy: “So, is, like, everyone here book people?”

Me: “YES! THAT’S WHY WE WORK IN A BOOKSTORE!”

New Guy: “Oh. I’m just here because I need money, and it looked like you guys didn’t do anything. I played video games professionally for the last seven years, so I like not having to work that much.”

Me: “You are in the wrong place, then, man.”

New Guy: “That’s what they told me when I flunked out of computer science. I still told them all to go eff themselves.”

When Inflation Overtakes Aging

, , , , , , | Right | November 29, 2017

(It’s probably about minus 30 outside at the full-service gas station. I fill a very elderly lady’s vehicle, clean all the windows, and clean the lights. She comes out and gives me a tip.)

Customer: “Here you are, dear. Go buy yourself a coffee.”

(I looked down to see she gave me a quarter and a dime. The smallest coffee is still a dollar twenty five. She must have been pushing 90, so I didn’t think anything of it. She was very sweet, otherwise.)

How Em-Bra-assing, Part 6

, , , , , | Right | September 29, 2017

(I am a teenager, working at a local full-service gas station. When someone gets fuel, we wash windows as well as check their oil if they want. One day, a woman in her early to mid-20s comes in. She is gorgeous and I have a serious crush on her. Important to note, her car has a car-bra on it.)

Me: “Hi there. How are you today?”

Customer: “Good, thank you. Fill it up and check the oil, please.”

Me: “Sure thing, but I’ll need you to remove your bra, please.”

(Immediately after I say this, I realize what it sounded like. My face goes red and hot.)

Customer: *laughing* “I don’t think I need my oil checked that bad.”

Me: *flustered* “Oh, no, I am so sorry. I mean your car-bra! Oh, my, I am so sorry!”

Customer: *laughing* “Oh, I know what you meant;  I just wanted to have some fun with you.”

(And that is how I completely embarrassed myself in front of a hot older woman.)

Red-Faced Woman Vs Brown-Eyed Girl

, , , , , | Right | June 26, 2017

(I have been DJing weddings and all kinds of events for many years and am vigilant about the content of the music and my audience. A lady approaches my table early on at a wedding after I had played the song “Brown Eyed Girl” By Van Morrison.)

Guest: *angrily* “This song is inappropriate.”

Me: “I’m sorry if you think so but I’ve played this song for years and never had a complaint.”

Guest: “The line ‘making love in green grass’ is not appropriate for children.”

Me: “I do apologize, ma’am.”

(The rest of the night I ended up playing quite a lot of top-40 music with much worse content but “Brown Eyed Girl” was the one that was inappropriate.)