Not The Only Thing In Need Of Maintenance

, , , , | Right | December 1, 2010

(We’re closed for maintenance, and have shut off all the exterior lights, including those in the drive-thru. We also put a sign on the drive-thru menu stating we’re closed. A car pulls into the drive-thru, and I put on a headset. All of this takes places via the drive-thru speaker.)

Me: “Hi, I’m sorry, but we’re currently closed for maintenance. Our other location down the street will be happy to serve you.”

Customer: “Hey, we just need a minute. Your lights are off, and it’s hard to see the menu.”

Me: “Sorry, I said we’re closed for maintenance. That’s why the lights are off.”

Customer: “Okay, we’re ready.”

Me: “Sorry, I said we’re closed. Our other store just a few blocks down the street will be happy to help.”

(The customer says their order.)

Customer: “Hello? Did you get that?”

Me: *gives up* “Welcome to [Restaurant]. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed due to the store being closed for maintenance. For service in English, please press one.” *switches to French* “Pour service en Francais, poussez le deux.” *switches to Spanish* “Para el servicio en Español, presione por favor el numero tres.”

(Faint laughter as the rest of the car’s passengers start laughing.)

Customer: “Uh…” *whispers* “What do I do?” *laughter from other passengers* “Uh… one?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. Our hours of operation are 7:00 am to 3:00 am, except today, because we are closed… due… to… maintenance. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!”

(There was a squeal of tires as the car peeled away, the rest of the passengers killing themselves laughing.)

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Sadly, There Is No Cure For Rudeness

, , , , , | Right | November 2, 2010

(I have psoriasis, a hereditary condition which leaves me with large red patches on my scalp. This occurs while I am waiting in line at a convenience store with a woman standing behind me.)

Customer: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Customer: “Those ugly blotches all over your head. What do you have?”

Me: “Oh, it’s a highly contagious flesh-eating disease. Very painful.”

Customer: “Oh, my gosh! Really? How contagious is it?”

Me: “Well, you probably already have it.”

Customer: *rushes out of the store in a panic*

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Stupidity Killed The Radio Star

, , , , , | Right | July 8, 2010

(I work at a radio station. This caller is live on the air.)

Me: “Hello! What would you like to hear?”

Teenage Girl:Fireflies!”

Me: “By Owl City?”

Teenage Girl: “Woah! I hear my voice!”

Me: “Yeah, you’re on the air.”

Teenage Girl: “Molly! If you can hear this, I’m so totally sorry about kissing your brother!”

Me: “Uh…”

Teenage Girl: “Are you going to play I Like Big Butts or not?”

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What A Tool

, , , | Right | May 13, 2010

Me: “Hello, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to buy this table saw, but I only want to pay $300.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the price is $400.”

Customer: “But I only want to pay $300!”

(This goes back and forth three or four times.)

Customer: “Tell you what. Take $100 off the table saw and I might come in next week and buy that!” *points to a $20 tool*

Me: “Sorry, sir but I’m not taking $100 off an item just because you buy a $20 item in a week.”

Customer: “You clearly don’t know how to run a business!”

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Brain On Recess

, , , | Right | April 22, 2010

(I am helping a customer apply for financing to purchase some items. It is around 2008.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Your application was denied.”

Customer: “Wow. I really didn’t expect that.”

Me: “Well, they’re a lot stricter with who they give credit to because of the recession.”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: “The recession.”

(Customer looks very confused.)

Me: “Hundreds of people foreclosed on their houses. The government had to pay billions of dollars to bail out the banks.”

Customer: *shrugging shoulders* “Hmm. Well, I must have missed that!”

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