Red-Faced Woman Vs Brown-Eyed Girl

, , , , , | Right | June 26, 2017

(I have been DJing weddings and all kinds of events for many years and am vigilant about the content of the music and my audience. A lady approaches my table early on at a wedding after I had played the song “Brown Eyed Girl” By Van Morrison.)

Guest: *angrily* “This song is inappropriate.”

Me: “I’m sorry if you think so but I’ve played this song for years and never had a complaint.”

Guest: “The line ‘making love in green grass’ is not appropriate for children.”

Me: “I do apologize, ma’am.”

(The rest of the night I ended up playing quite a lot of top-40 music with much worse content but “Brown Eyed Girl” was the one that was inappropriate.)

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The Ball Avoids Other Balls

, , , , | Related | June 23, 2017

(My younger son, about eight at the time, is playing baseball and is currently the catcher, the first time he has played that position. Pitch comes in, batter fouls it back, the ball going directly between his legs. He falls over on his side. Even in the stands we can hear the ball hit the protective cup. The crowd takes a collective breath out of pity.)

Coach: “[Son], you okay? Did the ball hit you in the nuts?”

Son: *angrily, and in tears* “NO! I got hit in the penis!”

(Cue a bit of laughing from players, spectators, and even the umpire. The batter shakes my son’s hand, and he finishes the inning.)

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Pregnant With Discrimination

, , , | Learning | June 21, 2017

I’m four months pregnant with my son. Though I’m not very far along, I’m showing quite a bit, and it’s become difficult to sit in the normal desks of the lecture hall. One day, I get tired of squeezing into them and just sit in the handicapped desks (which have been unoccupied all semester). It happens that, on this day, we start having a guest lecturer, since our professor had to get surgery mid-semester.

The lecturer stops me after class and berates me for sitting in a handicapped spot. I explain that I don’t fit into the other desks, and that it’s the only spot that can fit me. She proceeds to tell me that she doesn’t care, that I should just sit in the normal desks.

Next class, I sit at a normal desk in the front row sideways (since that’s literally the only way I fit). After class, the lecturer once again berates me and tells me to sit properly. I once again, tell her that I’m pregnant and there’s nothing I can really do. She then proceeds to tell me to lose weight, or my baby will end up being a “fat roll.”

Upset, I email my professor, asking for advice on what to do. I don’t get a response. However, I return to class for the next lesson and sit in the handicapped spot, unwilling to be uncomfortable for a two-hour lecture. When the lecture is over and the lecturer is berating me again, and a man in a suit comes up behind her and asks her to join him in the hallway.

Turned out, my original professor was very unimpressed by this behavior, and sent a anti-discrimination representative to observe her behavior. After her proving my claims correct, the man informed her that her behavior could land her in a whole lot of trouble with the code of conduct, and get her fired. She said nothing to me for the rest of the time she lectured us. Thankfully, she was the only professor to ever care or comment that I was pregnant.

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Married To A Germaniac

, , , , | Romantic | May 24, 2017

(I speak German. My wife doesn’t.)

Wife: “What does ‘polter’ mean?”

Me: “It’s kind of like… ‘geräusch.’ Which is another German word… and does not help you at all!”

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Canada Is Tolerant Of Everything Except Pretzels

, , , | Working | May 17, 2017

(When I was younger, my family used to do a lot of shopping at a particular store where you have to pay for a membership. I hadn’t been there for many years, but I was shopping for an event with someone who had a membership. I really enjoy bread pretzels, and they tend to be difficult to find in my city. I used to get them at this store, and I’m excited to have one.)

Me: “I don’t see pretzels on your menu, but you used to have them. Maybe I’m just not seeing them?”

Cashier: *in a very snotty tone of voice* “We’ve never sold pretzels! This is CANADA! We don’t serve pretzels here!”

(I must’ve missed the law banning the sale of pretzels in Canada! I was also apparently hallucinating the pretzels I ate in that store.)

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