Worth Checking What Was Just Said

, , , , | Right | September 16, 2017

(I am a cashier at a store that sells cigarettes, lottery, and fireworks, all of which you must be over 18 to buy. Our store follows the 30-law [if you appear under 30, we must check your ID] for all of these items. One day had a guy walks in and looks at the fireworks.)

Guy: “I’ll take these ones, please.”

Me: “Sure. I just need to see your ID.”

Guy: “No problem. Can I also get a pack of smokes?”

(He hands me his ID. The first thing I do is check the picture to be sure it’s him. The card has all the security features. I then check his birth year.)

Me: “According to this, you are not 18 yet.”

Guy: “Wow, you actually checked! I have never had anyone call me on it before!”

Me: “You never get ID’d?”

Guy: “All the time. But normally I give it to them and that’s good enough!”

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Hammering Home The Dad Jokes

, , , , , | Related | September 8, 2017

(My dad is the mechanics teacher at the high school in our city. I am in his grade-10 class. He always says that his main role as a father is to embarrass his two daughters. My dad is helping another student with their small engine, while I am standing by, waiting for my dad to come and help me.)

Dad: “Here’s your hammer. Why did you need it?”

(The student starts to explain their reasons for needing the hammer but…)

Dad: *cuts them off by yelling* “BECAUSE IT’S HAMMER TIME!” *promptly starts singing and humming an MC Hammer song while dancing along*

(Keep in mind that I am standing right there, although now I am blushing, rolling my eyes, and doing my best to not look embarrassed.)

Dad: *looks over at me while talking to the student* “I feel my role as a father is to embarrass my children.”

Student: “Well, it’s definitely working.”

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The Commonwealth Is Making You Poor

, , , | Right | June 29, 2017

(The store I work at sells a particular European brand that is sold in several countries. The brand prints their own price tag with the prices for each country, in that country’s currency, listed beside a small picture of the country’s flag. I regularly have to show customers which price is accurate to Canada, but this one was my favourite.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I can’t find a price on here.”

Me: “Oh, yes, I know it’s confusing. It’s the price beside the Canadian flag, here at the bottom.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t think that’s right. See, this price here is cheaper. I think it should be this one.” *points to the British price, which is the lowest number on the tag*

Me: “I’m afraid that isn’t how it works, ma’am. This brand sells internationally, so they print the prices in different currencies. That price is in British pounds, so the cost is actually roughly the same.”

Customer: *stares blankly* “But this price is lower.”

Me: “Well, the British Pound is actually worth almost twice what the Canadian Dollar is, so while it looks like it costs less, the rate of exchange would put the prices almost equal. Regardless, the Canadian price is the one listed beside the Canadian flag, and we can’t sell it for anything else.”

Customer: “But this price is cheaper. I want this price.”

Me: *internal sigh*

(Eventually I just directed her to a similar shirt from a different brand that only had one price on it, which she bought. That shirt happened to cost $10 more than the Canadian price on the other shirt.)

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Red-Faced Woman Vs Brown-Eyed Girl

, , , , , | Right | June 26, 2017

(I have been DJing weddings and all kinds of events for many years and am vigilant about the content of the music and my audience. A lady approaches my table early on at a wedding after I had played the song “Brown Eyed Girl” By Van Morrison.)

Guest: *angrily* “This song is inappropriate.”

Me: “I’m sorry if you think so but I’ve played this song for years and never had a complaint.”

Guest: “The line ‘making love in green grass’ is not appropriate for children.”

Me: “I do apologize, ma’am.”

(The rest of the night I ended up playing quite a lot of top-40 music with much worse content but “Brown Eyed Girl” was the one that was inappropriate.)

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The Ball Avoids Other Balls

, , , , | Related | June 23, 2017

(My younger son, about eight at the time, is playing baseball and is currently the catcher, the first time he has played that position. Pitch comes in, batter fouls it back, the ball going directly between his legs. He falls over on his side. Even in the stands we can hear the ball hit the protective cup. The crowd takes a collective breath out of pity.)

Coach: “[Son], you okay? Did the ball hit you in the nuts?”

Son: *angrily, and in tears* “NO! I got hit in the penis!”

(Cue a bit of laughing from players, spectators, and even the umpire. The batter shakes my son’s hand, and he finishes the inning.)

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