Me: “I think I’ve been studying too hard. My brain’s broken.”
Coworker: “What do you mean?”
Me: “I keep trying to date these papers and I don’t think I’m doing it right. June is the sixth month, right? But whenever I try to name the months, I get to it seventh.”
Coworker: “That’s… odd… Name them out loud.”
Me: “January, February, Saturday—”
Coworker: “I think I figured out what’s wrong.”
(I am a cashier at work and am known for being a little silly, especially when a specific coworker is working. This day she is. We are going on, having fun. She’s pretending to order me around like I’m her slave. Exactly what was said before this, I’m not sure, but somehow I hit my elbow on the till.)
Customer #1: “That sounded like it hurt.”
Me: “It did, [Coworker]. I’m hurt! I have to go home.”
Coworker: “Yeah, right. You are not going anywhere; you can stay here until you die.”
Me: “But I am dying. The pain is unbearable. Everything is going black. Tell my family I love them.”
Customer #2: “Before you die, can I get a package of cigarettes? Then we can die together.”
(My coworker and [Customer #1] burst out laughing.)
Me: “Sure.”
(I get her smokes and ring her through. When her receipt starts printing:)
Me: “[Coworker], give her her receipt. I see the light.”
(I sit on my till and lay my head down, pretending to die.)
Customer #2: “Thank you, sweet girl. I will join you soon.”
(She opens up her pack and puts a cigarette in her mouth before she walks out the door.)
Customer #1: “So nice to see people having fun at work. Now, you—” *indicating coworker* “—be nice and let this girl rest in peace.”
(I work in a small brick-and-mortar bookstore in my town. We hire a new guy, who only lasts for three days because enough staff complain about him. I only work one day with him, but he gets fired the next day after exchanges like this.)
New Guy: “I seriously don’t understand why people buy books anymore.”
Me: “Then why do you work in a bookstore?”
New Guy: “No, no, no. I like books; I just don’t see why other people like them.”
Me: “Are you kidding?”
New Guy: “Well, when [Manager] asked me in my interview if I read books, I told her lots, but I think the last physical book I read was Death Note back in 2003.”
Me: “Death Note didn’t get published in North America until 2005.”
New Guy: “Huh. It was more recently than I thought; 2005 is pretty good.”
Me: “That was 12 years ago.”
New Guy: “Well, do you read all the time, then? When did you last finish a book?”
Me: “I am currently reading Universal Harvester—” *which is in my hands* “—and I just finished reading Misery by Stephen King a week or two ago.”
New Guy: “So, is, like, everyone here book people?”
Me: “YES! THAT’S WHY WE WORK IN A BOOKSTORE!”
New Guy: “Oh. I’m just here because I need money, and it looked like you guys didn’t do anything. I played video games professionally for the last seven years, so I like not having to work that much.”
Me: “You are in the wrong place, then, man.”
New Guy: “That’s what they told me when I flunked out of computer science. I still told them all to go eff themselves.”
(I’m about twelve, and I’m at a cabin with my family. My sister and I take the paddle boat out to a floating dock in the middle of the lake and I tie it up. I’m usually good with knots, so I’m surprised and horrified when the rope comes loose and the boat starts floating away, leaving us stranded. We scream for help, because the cabin is just across from us and we can see it, but our parents don’t come outside.)
Me: “Okay. I’m going to swim out and grab it. You wait here.” *jumps into the lake*
Sister: *jumps in right behind me*
Me: *thinking* “Okay, or we could both get wet.”
(We reach the boat, but we can’t climb in from in the water. With a lot of effort, we manage to tow it back to the dock. Our parents finally notice something is wrong and canoe out to us.)
Me: “Didn’t you hear us screaming for help?!”
Mom: “Yeah, but we just assumed it was the usual dumb kids who are always screaming out there.”
(Never cry wolf, kids! We were both wearing life jackets and we weren’t in any real danger, but our help was still delayed.)
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(My entire family is at my Grandma’s house celebrating my cousin’s eighth birthday. My cousin doesn’t have any cousins her age, but she has taken a shining to my son, who is two. She wants to play with him and have a typical “cousin” relationship with him. While there, he needs a diaper change, and since I’m not sure if my aunt and uncle have had “the talk” with her about the differences between boys and girls, I find an empty bedroom to change him. As I come out, she finds me.)
Cousin: “What were you doing in there?”
Me: “I was just changing [Son]’s diaper. You guys can go back to playing.”
Cousin: *pouting* “You should have let me help!”
Me: “Changing diapers isn’t really all that fun. It’s stinky. Why do you want to help?”
Cousin: “Because I need to learn how!”
Me: “Why do you need to learn how?”
Cousin: *with dramatic eye roll and arms cross* “Because I’m eight now, and that’s like, almost twelve, and then I’ll babysit him! And he will need diaper changes! Duh!”
(She then ran off to play with my son. I didn’t have the heart to mention to her that he will be out of diapers before she can babysit him.)
