Me: “Thanks for calling [Party Store], how can I help you?”
Caller: “Do you have any cheerleading pompoms?”
Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any.”
Caller: “Do you know you don’t have any, or do you just not want to go look for them?”
Me: “You caught me, ma’am. We actually have a hundred thousand in the back, but I lied to you because I personally want everyone else to have pompoms except you specifically.”
Caller: “*Click.*
I’m working the window of my ice cream truck.
Customer: “Hi, do you have any Choco Tacos?”
Me: “Sorry, we just sold the last one.”
Customer: “Can you check the back?”
I pause, then gesture to the tiny truck behind me.
Me: “This is an ice cream truck.”
Customer: “So? You’re not even going to check? How lazy are you?”
I pause, duck dramatically below the counter for two seconds, then pop back up.
Me: “I checked. We’re out.”
Customer: “All you did was duck! You didn’t check anything!”
I sigh, open the tiny glovebox at the front, peer inside, and slam it shut.
Me: “Nope, the warehouse says we’re empty.”
The customer just stares at me before settling for a popsicle.
I’m attending a state fair. I have just gotten food from a place selling breakfast sandwiches. I am standing in front of the booth about ten feet away from the counter. There is nobody else standing in front of the counter. I’m two bites into my sandwich, and these two teenagers approach me.
Teenager: “Are you in line?”
Me: *Mouth full.* “Yeah, I’m in line.”
Teenager: “Oh.”
The teenager and his friend go to stand behind me. I pause long enough to swallow my mouthful and turn to the teenagers.
Me: “Guys, I’m in the middle of eating my food. I’m obviously not still in line to get it.”
It’s a minute before our call centre closes for the day (and weekend), and annoyingly, I get a call in the final seconds before the cut-off.
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; how can I help you?”
Caller: “Are you an A.I.?”
Me: “No. I’m definitely a human.”
Caller: “How many fingers do you have?”
Me: *Suppresses a laugh.* “I have five fingers on each hand.”
I then hear another voice in the background, a friend of the caller. I seem to be on speakerphone on their end.
Caller’s Friend: “Ask her how many hands has she got!”
Caller: “How many hands have you got?”
Me: “I assure you I have five fingers on each of my three hands.”
Caller: *Click.*
I might have been a bit cheeky there, but if they were going to test my humanity, my humanity was going to fight back for the sake of my weekend!
Back in college, I worked at a casual seafood spot overlooking an inlet. It was an owner-operated place with a gorgeous view, especially when the tide was high. The sparkling water with boats drifting by was very picturesque, and you even got dolphins if you were lucky.
Of course, when the tide went out, it looked… less magical. More mudflats and oyster shells than ‘picture postcard.’
Because we were owner-operated, we were allowed to be a bit more ‘playful’ with customers than you might find in a corporate-owned place.
One afternoon, a couple is seated at a window table. I bring their drinks, and they immediately frown out the window.
Woman: “Um… where’d all the water go?”
Man: “Yeah, this isn’t what it looked like online. There was water in the photos.”
I glance out. Classic low tide with the exposed sandbars and all.
Me: “Oh, right. We drain it every few hours and refill it with fresh water. It cuts down on algae.”
They both nod like that made total sense.
Me: “We’re due to pump it back in around sunset, so just hang tight.”
And yes, they came back at sunset! They were very happy to see that we’d “pumped it all back.”
