Scammer: “Hello, and good morning! I am with Windows Support, and I am calling to let you know that you have a virus on your computer.”

Me: “One moment, please.” *while I pretend to do some typing on my keyboard* “Ah, here we are in Google. ‘Windows Support Scam.’ It’s the first listing. It tells me that my two best options are to call you out on being a scammer, or pretend I don’t know what’s going on and lead you on to waste your time. What do you suggest?”

Scammer: *a long pause, and then a click*

Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 30
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 29
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 28

(I’ve been badly near-sighted since childhood and have worn glasses or contact lenses nearly all my life. My driver’s license states that I’m required to wear them to drive. I am wearing contacts when I have my driver’s license picture taken. Four years later, I’m in the Bureau of Motor Vehicles office to renew my license, but now I’m wearing glasses. It’s time to take the eye test.)

BMV Employee: “You need to take off your glasses.”

Me: “Why? I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: “You’re not wearing them in this picture.”

Me: “That’s because I was wearing contacts then. Now, I wear glasses.”

BMV Employee: “You need to take them off.”

Me: “I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: “You’re not wearing glasses in this picture. Take them off.”

Me: “I didn’t wear glasses then. Now, I do. Check my driver’s license. It has a restriction for glasses or contacts.”

BMV Employee: “You need to take your glasses off.”

Me: “I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: *very snippy* “If you want to get your license renewed today, you need to take your glasses off.”

Me: *knowing what’s about to happen* “Okay.”

BMV Employee: “Read line five on the chart.”

Me: “I can’t even see line five.”

BMV Employee: “Okay, read line four.”

Me: “I can’t see line four.”

BMV Employee: “Read line three.”

Me: “I can’t see that, either.”

BMV Employee: *disgusted* “What can you see?”

Me: “Nothing. Just a blur.”

BMV Employee: *sarcastic, like this is all my fault and I’m the stupid one here* “Well, maybe you should put your glasses on!”

Me: “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

Related:
Blind To Reason, Part 6
Blind To Reason, Part 5
Blind To Reason, Part 4

(I’m the misbehaving employee in this story. I tend to be a bit snarky and sarcastic, but I can usually “turn it off” at work. Today, I’m shelving DVDs when a woman pulls a DVD off the shelf, loses her grip on it, and drops it on the floor. The snark just pops out before I can stop it.)

Me: *cheerfully* “You can just set that down anywhere, ma’am.”

Patron: *laughs*

Me: “Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry. That just popped out of my mouth.”

Patron: “It’s okay! It was funny!”

Me: “Thanks. Sorry, I speak sarcasm as a second language.”

Patron: “We should get you a t-shirt that says that.”

(Thanks for being a good sport about it, lady.)

(For a quite number of days now, I’ve had terrible stomach pains with a fluctuating appetite. I go to the doctor. I’m a virgin.)

Doctor: *after hearing me talk about my stomach problems* “So, it says here on your sheet that you’re not pregnant.”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

(He makes a face at this. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an idiot who can’t accept the fact I could be pregnant. Later on after he runs some tests.)

Doctor: “Well, you’re not pregnant.”

Me: *thinking* “No s***, Sherlock.”

(My credit union coworkers and I are doing Secret Santa. We all have a very sarcastic sense of humor that jives well with the group. [Coworker] unwraps gift to reveal a garment box.)

Coworker: “I wonder what it is…”

Manager #1: *loudly and excitedly* “That’s S&M!”

(Everybody stares at manager with shocked expressions.)

Manager #1: “Right? That’s S&M isn’t it?”

Me: “I sure hope not!”

Manager #1: “What? It’s nice! I go there all the time!”

Me: “We don’t want to hear what you do in the bedroom!”

Manager #1: “I don’t understand…”

Manager #2: “Do you mean H&M?”

(Everyone laughs uncontrollably.)

Coworker: “Oooh! How lovely! A scarf!”

Manager #2: “I guess it could be S&M.”