Blind To Reason, Part 7

, , , , , , , | Working | February 22, 2018

(I’ve been badly near-sighted since childhood and have worn glasses or contact lenses nearly all my life. My driver’s license states that I’m required to wear them to drive. I am wearing contacts when I have my driver’s license picture taken. Four years later, I’m in the Bureau of Motor Vehicles office to renew my license, but now I’m wearing glasses. It’s time to take the eye test.)

BMV Employee: “You need to take off your glasses.”

Me: “Why? I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: “You’re not wearing them in this picture.”

Me: “That’s because I was wearing contacts then. Now, I wear glasses.”

BMV Employee: “You need to take them off.”

Me: “I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: “You’re not wearing glasses in this picture. Take them off.”

Me: “I didn’t wear glasses then. Now, I do. Check my driver’s license. It has a restriction for glasses or contacts.”

BMV Employee: “You need to take your glasses off.”

Me: “I need them to see.”

BMV Employee: *very snippy* “If you want to get your license renewed today, you need to take your glasses off.”

Me: *knowing what’s about to happen* “Okay.”

BMV Employee: “Read line five on the chart.”

Me: “I can’t even see line five.”

BMV Employee: “Okay, read line four.”

Me: “I can’t see line four.”

BMV Employee: “Read line three.”

Me: “I can’t see that, either.”

BMV Employee: *disgusted* “What can you see?”

Me: “Nothing. Just a blur.”

BMV Employee: *sarcastic, like this is all my fault and I’m the stupid one here* “Well, maybe you should put your glasses on!”

Me: “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

Blind To Reason, Part 6
Blind To Reason, Part 5
Blind To Reason, Part 4

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A Library Of Sarcastic Comments

, , , , , | Working | February 3, 2018

(I’m the misbehaving employee in this story. I tend to be a bit snarky and sarcastic, but I can usually “turn it off” at work. Today, I’m shelving DVDs when a woman pulls a DVD off the shelf, loses her grip on it, and drops it on the floor. The snark just pops out before I can stop it.)

Me: *cheerfully* “You can just set that down anywhere, ma’am.”

Patron: *laughs*

Me: “Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry. That just popped out of my mouth.”

Patron: “It’s okay! It was funny!”

Me: “Thanks. Sorry, I speak sarcasm as a second language.”

Patron: “We should get you a t-shirt that says that.”

(Thanks for being a good sport about it, lady.)

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Making You Pregnant With Sarcasm

, , | Healthy | January 2, 2018

(For a quite number of days now, I’ve had terrible stomach pains with a fluctuating appetite. I go to the doctor. I’m a virgin.)

Doctor: *after hearing me talk about my stomach problems* “So, it says here on your sheet that you’re not pregnant.”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

(He makes a face at this. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an idiot who can’t accept the fact I could be pregnant. Later on after he runs some tests.)

Doctor: “Well, you’re not pregnant.”

Me: *thinking* “No s***, Sherlock.”

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Santa Has Needs That Mrs. Claus Can’t Provide

, , , , , | Working | December 26, 2017

(My credit union coworkers and I are doing Secret Santa. We all have a very sarcastic sense of humor that jives well with the group. [Coworker] unwraps gift to reveal a garment box.)

Coworker: “I wonder what it is…”

Manager #1: *loudly and excitedly* “That’s S&M!”

(Everybody stares at manager with shocked expressions.)

Manager #1: “Right? That’s S&M isn’t it?”

Me: “I sure hope not!”

Manager #1: “What? It’s nice! I go there all the time!”

Me: “We don’t want to hear what you do in the bedroom!”

Manager #1: “I don’t understand…”

Manager #2: “Do you mean H&M?”

(Everyone laughs uncontrollably.)

Coworker: “Oooh! How lovely! A scarf!”

Manager #2: “I guess it could be S&M.”

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Symptoms May Include Death And Sarcasm

, , , | Healthy | November 29, 2017

(Back in college I spent a summer living in Russia. Midway through my stay I came down with strep throat. This is the first time I’ve had it since I was a kid, when I got it yearly. My program director takes me to a clinic that specializes in treating foreigners. After diagnosing me, the doctor comes back into my room with a pile of medication, none of which I recognize. Since I take other medications, I ask him if there are drug interactions I should be aware of. He proceeds to take the paper inserts out of every box he has and read them. After a few minutes he looks up and says:)

Doctor: “I don’t know; if the reaction is bad, stop taking them?”

Me: “Great. So, if I die, I’ll stop taking them.”

(Thankfully I never had a reaction but I still have no idea what it was that he gave me. Bonus? My host mother was convinced I got sick from drinking cold beverages in the hot weather.)

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