(It was late into my eight-hour shift at a huge retail drugstore chain, and I was getting tired of dumb questions.)
Customer: “Do you take credit cards here?”
Me: “No, ma’am. We only take live chickens and large rocks.”
(The customer actually had a sense of humor and started laughing, while my manager was laughing too hard to yell at me.)
(This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Manufacturer]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”
(We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants: a large carat, high-grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)
Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”
Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”
Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”
Me: “Yes, sir.”
Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”
Me: “Absolutely, sir.”
Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”
(At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)
Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”
(I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)
This story is part of the Cheapskate Customers roundup!
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(A guy and his wife came into my store to ask about Wiis. The conversation went as follows…)
Man: “Where do you keep your Wiis at?”
Me: “We don’t have any in stock right now.”
Man: “When you gettin’ some?”
Me: “No idea, man. They just ship them to us… We are getting them about once a week, but there’s no set date or anything like that.”
Man: “Uh-huh… so you know the date but you aren’t allowed to tell us.”
Me: “No… I don’t know the date.”
Man’s Wife: “They play it off like it’s a big secret!”
(They leave and the man comes back about 25 minutes later, this time without his wife. He has this giant smile on his face and approaches me next to the counter.)
Man: “Hey, buddy, if you let me know when one of those Wiis comes in, I’ll give you twenty dollars.”
Me: *in a very childlike excited tone* “Twenty dollars?! Really, mister? That will totally cover all my bills and rent and anything else I need but can’t afford because I’ve lost my job!”
Man: “Everybody is a godd**n smarta**…”
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I work at a gourmet sandwich company. We can make sandwiches for delivery, pickup, or sit-down. We often get calls from a lot of stoners that want their sandwiches delivered. Probably for “munchies.” It’s about 4 pm on Saturday when I get this call.
Me: “Welcome to [sandwich shop], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Stoner #1: “Hey… yeah…”
Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”
Stoner #1: “What?”
Me: “Would you like to order something?”
Stoner #1: “Yes…”
(After about two minutes of silence…)
Me: “Hello? Are you still there, sir?”
Stoner #1: “Yeah, I’m waiting for you to like, ask me what I want.”
Me: “…Okay, what would you like?”
Stoner #1: *tells me his order*
Me: “Would you like anything else with that?”
Stoner #1: “Yeah… get me a cookie.”
(At this point, I hear a plethora of other stoners in the background.)
Stoner #2: “Cookies!? Where?”
Stoner #1: *laughing* “Dude, I’m on the phone with the cookie company!”
(Now I can hear [Stoner #2] grab the phone and he begins talking to me.)
Stoner #2: “Hey, cookie company? Make that two cookies!”
Stoner #3: “Four cookies! I want two!”
Stoner #2: “SIX COOKIES!”
Me *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, will that be all?”
Stoner #2: “Yeahhhhhh.”
Me: “Will that be for pickup or delivery?”
Stoner #2: “Delivery…” *gives address*
Stoner #1: “DUDE, WHAT IF SHE’S A NARC?”
Stoner #2: “S***! You know that address I just gave you? I lied about it!”
(Now I decide to have a little fun with them, considering they wasted my time.)
Me: “Okay, but as a little treat, I’m going to have it delivered anyway. My car will be the one with red and blue flashing lights that reads P-O-L-I-C-E on the side.”
Stoner #2: “A car with lights? That’s awesome!”
Stoner #1: “Dude, she means the police!”
Stoner #2: “S***!” *click*
(We ended up delivering to them anyway because TECHNICALLY they never canceled their order. Our delivery guy came back with the full order, telling us that someone answered the door to tell him no one was home.)
(My coworker is approached at the till by a woman, somewhere in her 40s.)
Customer: “How long does your one-hour service take?”
(My coworker looks at me, and without missing a beat…)
Me: “A week.”
Customer: “Oh, never mind then.” *walks off*
(The coworker and I look at each other and start to laugh.)
This story is part of the Customers-Are-Bad-Photographers roundup!
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