You Can’t Zing At His Level

, , , , , , , | Right | May 28, 2018

(Some customers approach my counter who are obviously tourists from another part of the country; the name of their area is written on pretty much every article of clothing they are wearing.)

Me: “Hi, how are you all doing today?”

Customer: “Excuse me? What did you just say to me?!”

Me: “How are you doing today?”

(She gives me a disgusted look as though I’ve just done the most offensive thing imaginable, then rolls her eyes and speaks to me like I’m a toddler.)

Customer: “Okay, like, first of all, you need to understand something very important here. We’re the good people, who come from the good part of the country, where they have the good stores, that sell the good products, which—” *condescending chuckle* “—YOUR KIND wouldn’t know a thing about. So, don’t act like you can engage us on our level.”

Me: *cheerfully* “Ma’am, I’m afraid my workplace does not possess the industrial drilling equipment necessary to reach your level.”

(She doesn’t even flinch, but turns to the gentleman with her.)

Customer: “This is why we should have gone to [Big City in the state they apparently came from], instead.”

(They walk away.)

Supervisor: “You all hear that? Today, our buffalo wings are only the second zingiest thing here!”

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A Very Small Prank

, , , , | Right | May 24, 2018

(I work at customer service for a gaming console, and we get a fairly large number of prank calls every day. This is how we respond:)

Me: “Thank you for calling customer service; what can I help you with?”

Kid: “Hi, I got my penis stuck in the disk tray.”

(The kid sounds about 13. His friends are giggling in the background.)

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; we definitely don’t recommend inserting small objects into the drive.”

(I can hear his friends cracking up.)

Kid: *dumbfounded* “It’s not small!” *click*

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There’s No Business Like None Of Your Business

, , , , , , , | Right | March 29, 2018

(I work as a barista for a coffee chain, and like many others, we always ask customers for their names so that we can call out their orders. On this day, there are three of us working, and we all both make coffee AND man the registers. A guy in his mid-thirties wearing a suit walks in, yapping away on his phone. He cuts straight to the front of the line, ignoring the ten or so customers waiting patiently.)

Customer: *on phone* “Yeah, hold on.” *to me* “I’ll have—”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there is a line. Please wait your turn.”

(He shoots me a dirty look, but goes to the back of the line, still on his phone. I continue taking orders as normal, and soon, [Customer] is back at the front of the line. Lo and behold, he’s still on his phone, and is looking down on me like I’m a piece of dirt. He can’t be more than 5’5”, though, and I’m almost 5’7”.)

Customer: *snootily* “Yeah, I want an iced latte. Make it quick. I have somewhere I need to be.”

(I have a reputation for being extremely sassy and sarcastic, so I manage to keep my calm and speak increasingly politely throughout the whole conversation.)

Me: “All right, sir. What size would you like that?”

Customer: *sighs, as if I should know this already* “TALL! And hurry up!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but is that for here or to go?”

Customer: *is silent*

Me: *waits* “Sir?”

Customer: *irate for no reason* “TO GO! GOD!”

Me: “A tall iced latte to go. That’ll be $2.95, sir. May I have a name for the order?”

Customer: *rifles through wallet, continues talking on phone*

Me: *assuming he didn’t hear me* “Sir? I need a name for your order.”

Customer: *sighs EXTREMELY loudly, rolls eyes and ignores me*

Me: *losing patience, because the line is growing, but still keeping a calm face* “Sir! I need a name for this order.”

Customer: *suddenly exploding* “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, A**HOLE!”

(I plaster on a fake smile as he slaps a five-dollar bill down on the counter.)

Me: *handing him his change, in an overly sugary voice* “Here’s your change, sir. If you’ll just wait, your coffee should be ready in a couple of minutes.”

Customer: *huffs, goes and stands in a corner*

(I whip up his drink myself, since I don’t want my coworkers to have to deal with this guy. I notice he’s FINALLY finished his phone call, so I yell out his drink:)


(The whole store went quiet. The people in line burst out laughing and the customer went red. He stormed up to the counter, grabbed his drink, and flounced out of the store. I’ve never seen him since.)

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If Wishes Were Horses

, , , , , | Right | March 4, 2018

(Our store price-matches to any place with a brick and mortar store, or to Amazon as long as the item is sold and shipped by Amazon and is the exact same item that they want to have us match — same brand, quantity, etc. The following conversation happens way more than it should.)

Customer: *talking with a very sarcastic, rude tone to start with* “Yeah, this charging cord is $9.99, but its only $1.50 online. Am I missing something?”

Me: “Oh, well, we do price-match within certain guidelines, so let’s go where it is cheaper online. Do you have the item pulled up on your phone?”

Customer: “No, I just want to know why it is so expensive here. What am I missing?”

Me: “Well, that is pretty standard pricing as far as I know, although it may be on sale online. Can I see what one you were looking at that was cheaper?”

(The customer grumbles and pulls up his phone to Amazon.)

Customer: “Here! Why is yours so much more?!”

Me: *see’s that he has pulled up a cheap, knockoff brand that is one-foot shorter than the one he is looking at in the store* “Oh, it looks like this item is a different brand and length, so that would explain the price difference.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t; I want to know why yours is so much more expensive than the same thing online?!”

Me: “Sir, it is not the same thing; the one in our store is a very reliable, high-quality brand, and is a full foot longer than the cheap, knockoff brand on Amazon. It isn’t the same.”

Customer: “What are you? Thick? Answer my question!”

Me: *really trying to keep my cool and deciding to try and shock him to his senses* “Sir, I want to buy a horse.”

Customer: “No, I… Wait, what?”

Me: “I want to buy a horse. I look at two different ones. One is beautiful, healthy, purebred, and proven to be a wonderful racehorse. The other one has short legs, isn’t reliable, and it’s ugly. The first, perfect horse is $10,000; the second, ugly horse is only $100. Now, are these horses the same?”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “You see, they are the same in the fact that they are horses, just like these are both charging cords, but they are being sold by different people and are completely different bloodlines, health statuses, and reliability. So, why would I expect the $10,000 horse to be given to me for only $100, the same price as the terrible horse from the knockoff owner? I wouldn’t, because that is silly, isn’t it?” *I smile sweetly at the customer*

Customer: *starts getting red* ” I! You! Oh, forget it!”

(He throws the item down and stomps out. My manager walks up:)

Manager: “Did you just get that idiot to leave by comparing our product to horses?”

Me: “Yep!”

Manager: “I owe you lunch!”

(I have since tried that line of conversation on similar situations, and it usually gets the customer to see sense!)

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How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 31

, , , , , | Working | March 1, 2018

Scammer: “Hello, and good morning! I am with Windows Support, and I am calling to let you know that you have a virus on your computer.”

Me: “One moment, please.” *while I pretend to do some typing on my keyboard* “Ah, here we are in Google. ‘Windows Support Scam.’ It’s the first listing. It tells me that my two best options are to call you out on being a scammer, or pretend I don’t know what’s going on and lead you on to waste your time. What do you suggest?”

Scammer: *a long pause, and then a click*

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 30
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 29
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 28

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