(I work at an amusement park where they have free unlimited drinks throughout the park, a fact that is posted all over the park.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, how much are your free soft drinks?”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Are you deaf, son?! HOW MUCH ARE YOUR FREE SOFT DRINKS?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I couldn’t hear you and thought you said something stupid. The free drinks are $5 each.”

Customer: “That’s f****** highway robbery! You people should be ashamed!”

Me: “Oh, we are…”

(I’m delivering some pizzas and “quepapas.” They come with ranch dressing for dipping but my co-worker forgot to put the ranch in the box.)

Customer: “If you don’t mind, I’m gonna have a look at the quepapas, because last time I got them they were cold.”

Me: “Sure thing, not a problem.”

Customer: *opens box* “Where the heck is the ranch dressing?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I guess we forgot to put it in the box. I could go back and get it for you if you would like.”

Customer: “Well yeah! How am I supposed to eat them without ranch dressing?!”

Me: “I would try sticking it in your mouth, followed by chewing and then swallowing…”

Customer: “Good one, jacka**!” *slams door*

Related:
Ask A Stupid Question…, Part 2
Ask A Stupid Question…

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “What time do you stop room service?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer room service.”

Customer: “What’s up with that?”

Me: “We don’t have a kitchen in the hotel.”

Customer: “Well, y’all need to get one!”

Me: “You’re right. I will start filing for permits and hiring subcontractors and have the kitchen built before you arrive.”

Customer: “That’s great! You truly offer excellent customer service!”

This story is part of our Weird Hotel Guests roundup!

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(I work at a store that is open 24/7, and only closed for 36 hours out of the entire year. Around EVERY holiday, there is someone who calls the store wondering if the store is open. This past 4th of July, I decided to have a little fun with it.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys were open today?”

Me: “No, I’m the only one here to answer the phone.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I’m out in the parking lot and there are a lot of cars parked out here.”

Me: “Yeah, I like to drive a lot.”

This story is part of the Humorless Customers roundup!

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(A customer comes up to the register with her sandwich purchase, which had sun-dried tomatoes on it.)

Customer: “Do you make the sun-dried tomatoes here?”

Me: *jokingly* “Yes, we have several lawn chairs in back. We cut the tomatoes into little strips and leave them out there for a week or two. ”

Customer: “Really?!”

Me: “No, I was just kidding. We get them from a distributor. ”

Customer: “Well, that’s not nice of you at all! When I was growing up I was always taught to believe things I was told by salespeople!”

This story is part of the Humorless Customers roundup!

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