(I’m finishing a transaction with a customer at the movie theater.)

Me: “… and would you like to make a donation to [Charity] today?”

Customer: “Well, let me ask you something: do YOU donate to charity?”

Me: “Yes, of course. I donate to this one as well as several others.”

Customer: “Well, do YOU work for any charitable organizations?”

Coworker: “Actually she works with the mentally handicapped and developmentally disabled forty hours per week.”

Customer: “Oh, really? Where?”

Coworker: “Here.”

Customer: “I really don’t appreciate that!”

(I was working at the kiosk where we sell sweets and drinks when this transaction occurred with an old woman over the bottled water.)

Customer: “Is that water cold?”

Me: “Yes, it’s just out of the fridge.”

Customer: “I don’t see a fridge.”

(I gesture towards the fridge a few feet away from the kiosk.)

Customer: “Can’t I just have one out of there?”

Me: “Yeah, of course.”

(I fetch her one out of the fridge.)

Customer: “That doesn’t look too cold to me.”

Me: “…well, you can feel for yourself, if you like. It really is quite cold.”

Customer: “No. You do it.”

(I put my hand against the bottle and then pretend to flinch.)

Me: “You’re right, ma’am, it’s boiling hot. I’m very sorry about that.”

Customer: “I’ll just have a Coke then.”

Me: “…”

Me: “[Library], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have some books that are due tomorrow, but I need to keep them longer.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ll need your name so I can renew the books.”

Caller: *scandalized* “You need my what?”

Me: “Your name, ma’am. So I can call up your account on my computer.”

Caller: “You have my account?! How did you get that? Do you have my Social Security number?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I mean your library account. When you came in to get your library card, you filled out a form with your name, address, phone number, and email, so that we can contact you if you ever have overdue books. We don’t have your social security number.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not giving out my name to a complete stranger over the phone!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Perhaps you could give me the titles of the books?”

Caller: “Why do you need to know what I’m reading?! The books are due tomorrow! Just renew them!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s no way I can look up books by the due date. Without your name or the titles of the books, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “You’re trying to steal my identity! I’m calling the cops.”

Me: *giving up* “You do that, ma’am.” *hangs up*

Coworker: “You should have told her we put cameras in the books.”

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Me: “Good morning, my name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “That stupid computer doesn’t understand a word I am saying! I hate computers!”

Me: “I’m sorry for any problems you had, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Are you a computer? You sound like a d*** computer!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well I’m part computer, sir; my mother was a computer.”

Customer: “You’re part computer?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am a cyborg.”

Customer: “F****** cyborgs!” *click*

Customer: *holding an ugly teapot* “The stuff on that shelf–” *pointing* “–is 75% off. Can I get this teapot for 75% off?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that discount only applies to items that were damaged during shipping.”

Customer: “Look, I’m buying a lot of stuff here. I think I should get a discount on this teapot.”

Me: “But it’s not broken. You only get a discount if it’s broken.”

Customer: “You’re not being very helpful. You have to be able to do something for me here.”

Me: “I could take it into the stock room and smash it for you. Then I could sell it to you at the discounted price. I’m sure you could glue it back together when you get home.”

Customer: *thinking it over* “No… no, I don’t think so.”