Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling Customer Support, my name is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”
Customer: “I would like to cancel my prescription to the Internet.”
Me: “I’m sorry, you said… prescription?”
Customer: “Yes, I went with a high-speed provider! I don’t need my prescription with you anymore!”
Me: “…have you checked to see if that was okay with your doctor?”
(It is a beautiful night and everyone is having bonfires. A group of teenage girls walk in.)
Girl: “Hi, do you guys have any marshmallows?”
Me: *looks around* “Sorry, looks like we’re all out.”
Girl: “But what if you REALLY need them?”
(I turned towards my coworker.)
Me: “My God…”
Coworker: “It’s time. Get out your key.”
(We then started pretending that we had a top-secret marshmallow stash behind the counter.)
Me: “Do you think the retina scan is going to work with my contacts in?”
(The girl finally realized that we were blatantly making fun of her and quickly left with her friends. The secret stash became an instant classic at our gas-station.)
Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling the [Hotel] Lexington Park.. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for tonight, leaving tomorrow.”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re sold out for tonight.”
Caller: “Sold out? You mean you don’t have anything?”
Me: “No, I apologize. We are completely sold out.”
Caller: “You can’t be! I need a room. I mean, I’ll take anything! Do you have any suites left?”
Me: “No, ma’am. No more rooms left. That’s what ‘sold out’ means. Everyone has checked into their rooms already.”
Caller: “I don’t believe you! Hotels always have some kind of room set aside for people when they’re sold out.”
Me: “Well… I could fix a roll away bed up on the roof for you if you like. It’s gonna rain a little later, so I hope you don’t mind getting wet.”
Caller: “Really? That would be great! Thank you so much! How much does it cost?”
Me: “Have a good day, ma’am…”
(Note: this takes place during the middle of a bad rainstorm.)
Customer: “Hi, I wanted to start bringing my dog here but I wanted to make sure that the animals get a lot of exercise.”
Me: “Oh, we just have them in rotations to run on a treadmill. You see, they help to generate power for our building. I think we have Sandy, a cute little chihuahua going right now.”
Customer: “You’re joking, right?”
Me: “Haha, yeah.”
(Moments later, my coworker comes in from the back.)
Coworker: “Hey, Sandy’s loose again. Have you seen the pop-up fence?”
(As if on cue, the storm knocks out power to the building right then and there.)
Customer: “Oh, my god! I’m calling Animal Services and reporting you all!”
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Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”
Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”
Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”
Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”
Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”
Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”
Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”
(I go into the backroom for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)
Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”
Customer: “OH, NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*
(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)
