Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 1

, , , | Right | February 6, 2009

Me: “Good morning, my name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “That stupid computer doesn’t understand a word I am saying! I hate computers!”

Me: “I’m sorry for any problems you had, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Are you a computer? You sound like a d*** computer!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well I’m part computer, sir; my mother was a computer.”

Customer: “You’re part computer?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am a cyborg.”

Customer: “F****** cyborgs!” *click*

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The Lesser Of Two Evils

, , | Right | January 28, 2009

Customer: *holding an ugly teapot* “The stuff on that shelf–” *pointing* “–is 75% off. Can I get this teapot for 75% off?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that discount only applies to items that were damaged during shipping.”

Customer: “Look, I’m buying a lot of stuff here. I think I should get a discount on this teapot.”

Me: “But it’s not broken. You only get a discount if it’s broken.”

Customer: “You’re not being very helpful. You have to be able to do something for me here.”

Me: “I could take it into the stock room and smash it for you. Then I could sell it to you at the discounted price. I’m sure you could glue it back together when you get home.”

Customer: *thinking it over* “No… no, I don’t think so.”

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Well Played, Indeed, Part 2

, , | Right | October 20, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Costume Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, do you guys have costumes?”

Me: *sarcastically* “No, I’m afraid we’re a tax accounting service.”

Customer: “Oh. Can I write off a costume rental on my taxes?”

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You Be Difficult, I’ll Be Ditzy

, , | Right | September 30, 2008

Me: “It’s a great day at [Furniture Store]! How can I direct your call?”

Caller: “I want to talk to someone about my furniture.”

Me: “Okay. Is it just damaged, or did you want to set up a delivery?”

Caller: “No. I just want to talk to someone about it.”

Me: “Um… did you want to talk to your salesperson?”

Caller: “No. Just someone in the dining department.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our floor isn’t separated into departments.”

Caller: “I bought it about two years ago. I just want to talk about it.”

Me: “Did you want to talk about it with a manager?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: *stops caring* “Well, I would LOVE to talk about with you! Is it pretty?!”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “Furniture is good! It’s where people sit!”

Caller: *click*

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You Know What They Say About Idle Hands…

, , | Right | September 10, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. May I take your order?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a one of those large Philly cheesesteak pizzas you’re advertising on TV.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not us. That’s [Competitor].”

Customer: “What do you mean that’s not you? I just saw the commercial.”

Me: “I don’t know what commercial you saw, but we don’t have that pizza. Only [Competitor] does.”

Customer: “Let me talk to your manager, because you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Me: “Sir, I am the manager.”

Customer: “Well, obviously you don’t know what you’re talking about. I want your boss’s number. I’m gonna tell him about this and then we’ll see.”

Me: “You’re welcome to call him, but he’ll tell you the same thing I did: that’s not our pizza.”

Customer: “Then I’ll call his boss and their boss and keep going till I finally get someone who agrees with me!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Must be nice to have that much time on your hands!”

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