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He’s About To Go Old Testament On Their A**es

, , , , , | Related | December 7, 2019

(I’m with my family watching a funny TV show about a ridiculous, hyper-observant guy that pretends to be a psychic in order to help the police. His best friend is a much more respectful, grown-up character. While solving a case, they come across a Bible and the main character, who is hilariously sacrilegious, throws it over his shoulder to get it out of the way. A terrific conversation ensues between the characters… and my father:)

Friend Character: “I can’t believe you did that!”

Main Character: “What? It doesn’t mean I don’t respect it.”

Friend Character: “Please. Have you ever even read the Good Book?”

Main Character: “Duh. Of course, I have.”

Friend Character: “Okay, fine. What are the first five books?”

(For those who don’t know, the first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.)

Main Character: “Uhhh… Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan, Doooooo… the right thing?”

Dad: *pauses show* “Wait! He forgot Numbers!”

Me: “Really, Dad? As a pastor, the most important thing that you noticed was that he skipped one?”

Dad: *laughing* “Of course! That’s obviously the important part!” 

Family: “Okay, fine. What would you have said?”

Dad: *very focused* “Hmm… Let’s see… Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan… Numerology!”

(I’m not sure if we actually finished watching the episode that night, and almost ten years later, it’s still a running joke!)

Maybe An Attempt at Dry Humor?

, , , , , | Friendly | September 17, 2019

(It is normal here for girls to carry lotion in their bags and offer some to all the other girls with them every time they use it. Several of my male friends have recently started asking for some, and now we all offer to the girls AND the guys, usually without laughing. One of my friends uses her lotion, and this conversation follows:)

Female Friend: “Do you want lotion for your face? It’s super dry…” *unintelligible*

Male Friend: “What?”

Female Friend: “Do you want lotion? For your face? It’s really dry.”

Male Friend: “Did you say gross?”

Female Friend: “What? Don’t be ridiculous. I mean, I could say it if you want. Gross. Your face is gross. It’s so dry.”

Male Friend: “Rude.”

Female Friend: “Okay, sorry! Do you want lotion for your dry face?”

Male Friend: *look*

Female Friend: “Oh, my gosh! Okay, do you want lotion for your not-very-moisturized face?”

My Family, And Other Animals, Part 12

, , , , , | Related | May 17, 2019

(My family lives in several different countries, and one of the ways we keep in touch is through a messaging group where we send each other pictures. It can get pretty goofy, but this day is one of the best. Keep in mind this is all over chat:)

Me: *sends pictures from zoo*

Brother: “Wow! Did you just get back from the zoo? I went today, too!” *sends pictures from different zoo*

Sister: “We felt a bit left out, so we decided to stop by our local zoo, too!”

(She sent us pictures of my niece and nephew dressed in hooded dinosaur onesies with a sign on the crib that said, “Please don’t feed the animals.” Gotta love family!)

My Family And Other Animals, Part 11
My Family And Other Animals, Part 10
My Family And Other Animals, Part 9

Talking Complete Bull-imia

, , , | Healthy | May 3, 2019

(I have recently changed my dentist. I’m 30 and I have never had any cavities before, but I go to a consult since I notice something weird in two of my teeth. I suspect they are cavities but they don’t hurt or bother me at all, and I don’t know what cavities look like.)

Dentist: “You have four cavities! What a disaster!”

Me: “Well, it’s the first four in 30 years.”

Dentist: “This looks so bad! We need x-rays!”

Me: “I’d have come earlier but they didn’t hurt and they look very small, so it took me a while to notice them.”

Dentist: “Four cavities! This is insane! Are you bulimic?”

Me: “No.”

Dentist: “You sure? It clearly looks like bulimia.”

Me: “I’m not bulimic. I’m not alcohol abusive, either; I barely ever throw up.”

(The doctor doesn’t believe me, and sends me to do the x-rays. I come back to have the cavities fixed.)

Dentist: “Are you sure you don’t throw up? This amount of cavities is not normal!”

(By then, I feel filthy. I don’t throw up and I brush my teeth, but the big deal she is making makes it look like I am her worst case in years. She fixes my cavities, which are all very superficial, and I go home pretty worried and thinking about buying a different mouthwash, toothbrush, and toothpaste. My boyfriend is having some friends over and I tell them what happened.)

Friend: “Four in your life? I get four cavities removed every time I go to the dentist!”

Boyfriend: “You can’t see them because they are in the back of my mouth, but I’ve had several big fixes.”

(The following day, two of my four fixes fall out while I’m brushing my teeth. I go to have them re-fixed. The dentist keeps telling me to suck it up, still implying I have an eating disorder. The remaining two fall out within a month, but this time I go to a different professional. I’m already expecting to get yelled at for my poor dental condition.)

Dentist #2: “Hi, darling! You look good! Let’s fix these, shall we?”

(She is now my usual dentist.)

Mothers Say, “No,” But Can’t Hear, “No”

, , , , | Related | April 4, 2019

(My mom recently mentioned that she and my dad would love to spend time with me and my new boyfriend. I’m totally fine with that, especially because they’ve known him for years — since we were just friends — and absolutely love him. There’s just one problem: my parents live in another country, 4,000 miles away. This means asking my boyfriend of three months to take a nine-hour flight with me, and even though the trip wouldn’t be until July — it’s currently March — it’s a really intense invitation three months into the relationship! I’ve been hesitant, but today I am video-calling my mom. She’s a very direct and a very excitable person, so this is how the conversation starts.)

Mom: “You and [Boyfriend] should come to visit.”

Me: “Umm…” *changes topic*

(A few minutes later:)

Mom: “Look at the furniture!” *turns the camera around*

Me: “Wow! I love your new house; it’s beautiful! I’m really excited to see it at some point!”

Mom: “See? You and [Boyfriend] should come to visit!”

Me: “Subtle, Mom. You really worked that into the conversation well.”

Mom: *giggles* “I know… So, are you coming to visit!?”

Me: “Mom!”

(Eventually, I said yes. If we’re still together in five months, we’re traveling to Miami to see them.)