Order Number One

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Right | January 14, 2016

(I used to work at a cold cut sub shop, and the names of the sandwiches are pretty straightforward — but we usually, for whatever reason, get weird variations of said sandwich names, even if the staff says it correctly. This happened more than I’d like to admit.)

Me: *as cashier* “Hello! How are you? What can I get you today?”

Older Woman: *looks at menu* “Hmmm…I’d like the number one, the Pee Pee, please.”

Me: *eyebrows slowly raise, cheerful smile keeping me from laughing* “Ah, the number one, Pepe.” *pronounced PEH-PAY* “All righty, anything else?”

Older Woman: “Yes, the Pee Pee, that’ll be all. Mmmm. That just sounds so good…”

You’re Our Number Two Customer

| USA | Right | January 11, 2016

(My manager is in the bathroom pooping when a customer gets the sudden urge to poop. Our bathrooms are one person bathrooms, so the door is locked. The customer gets up and sprints to the bathroom and twists the doorknob so hard it breaks, and the customer barges in and sees my manager on the toilet.)

Manager: “Hi. Welcome to [Shop].”

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What A Herk

| Reading, England, UK | Working | January 11, 2016

Me: “May I have a baguette with sliced cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and onion, please?

Shop Worker: “No onion.”

Me: “Oh, dear. Do you suppose I may have some jalapeños instead?”

(I pronounced it correctly, the Spanish / Mexican way.)

Shop Worker: “We don’t got no… ‘halla-penyoes’. We have got ‘jalla-peenoes.’ But we don’t got no…” *injecting all the scorn she could possibly muster* “HALLA-PENYOES.”

Me: “Okay, no worries. If you don’t have jalapeños I’ll go next door. Have a good day.”

Being A Customer Is Not Their Calling

, | Yorba Linda, CA, USA | Right | January 8, 2016

(A middle-aged lady walks into the store.)

Customer: “Hi, may I have the store’s phone number?”

(I look at my coworker and we share a confused look.)

Me: “May I ask why?”

Customer: “My grandson is in the car and wants to call in an order.”

(In total disbelief, I give her the number and watch her sign it to her grandson through the store window.)

Customer: “Did he call?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, let me give you his number so you can take his order.”

(Before I can say anything she gives me her grandson’s number so I call but nothing happens.)

Customer: “Well, just walk out to the car and take his order!”

(I went out, took the order, went back and made the sandwich. While she paid for it she commented on how rich she was and how poor we were. Seriously, she told us we were poor and couldn’t afford what she could. She left, leaving no tip. Worst customer ever.)

Sub-Standard Comedy

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Friendly | January 5, 2016

(We stop at a sub store for lunch. We all place our orders with the assistant, who’s a 15-year-old girl.)

Assistant: “Is yours twelve inch?”

Me: *deadpan* “That’s a bit personal; I didn’t ask your bust size.”

(The assistant turned very red and laughed.)

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