The Mother Of All Fakes

| Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Liars & Scammers

(I have just finished making a sandwich for a woman when she starts speaking to me as I ring her up.)

Customer: “I’m sorry. Sometimes the spirits just won’t let me keep my mouth shut.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I’m a psychic you see, and I have a message from beyond.”

Me: *not convinced* “Oh, really?” *prompts her to pay*

Customer: “Yes, it’s a message from your mother’s mother.”

(She then looks up at me and grins, I guess I was supposed to be excited. I prompt the machine again which she finally takes.)

Me: “Oh really? Which one?”

Customer: *her head snaps up, frowning* “What?”

Me: “Well, my mother was adopted, so she had two mothers, and both passed years ago.”

Customer: *flounders for a moment before speaking* “The biological one, the one you were closest with, her.”

Me: “Well, that’s funny. I didn’t know her well.”

(The customer finally finishes paying and I hand her her food. She frowns again, then grins.)

Customer: “The one you were closest with. She wants me to tell you she is always watching over you and will be your spirit guide.”

(She tries handing me her “business” card, which I just shove in my apron.)

Me: “That’s funny, as my mother and I also consider ourselves psychic. My mother’s adopted mother isn’t connected to the earth anymore. My mother’s biological mother, however, is connected to her and leaves her gifts and things. Have a nice day. Bye!”

(She stormed out, angry I just outed her. My coworkers and I had fun at her expense, and I looked her up from her business card. She has gotten in trouble for scamming people. I may believe in psychics, but most of them don’t butt into people’s lives, especially at work. You learn to keep your mouth shut; it can ruin a person to hear things like that.)

Doesn’t Like His Veggies (Questioned)

| USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Popular

(One of our most popular sandwiches is our BLT. Our veggies are optional, however, so some people do not get lettuce and tomato on their sandwich. We just normally ask what veggies they would like on their sandwich. A mother and her teenage son walk in and go through the usual ordering process.)

Me: “Any other sandwiches for you guys today?”

Mother: “Nope, we’re good!”

Me: *asking the son* “And veggies on your BLT?”

Son: “…”

Me: “Veggies?”

Son: *rolls eyes and speaks in a very condescending tone* “Well, lettuce and tomatoes, duh! God!”

Me: *stays silent and proceeds to put veggies on his sandwich*

Mother: “CUT THE ATTITUDE, [SON]! She’s not a mind reader! She doesn’t know what the f*** you want!”

(At that point my coworker and I had to hold back our laughter while the son slowly turned red from embarrassment.)

Had A Sub-Standard Education

| Madison, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Popular

Teenage Customer: “Can I get a ham on wheat?”

Me: “Absolutely. Is that a six-inch or twelve-inch?”

Teenage Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: *speechless*

(The customer’s dad turns to his son and gives him a disgusted look.)

Customer’s Dad: “One’s bigger, a**-hole.”

Order Number One

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I used to work at a cold cut sub shop, and the names of the sandwiches are pretty straightforward — but we usually, for whatever reason, get weird variations of said sandwich names, even if the staff says it correctly. This happened more than I’d like to admit.)

Me: *as cashier* “Hello! How are you? What can I get you today?”

Older Woman: *looks at menu* “Hmmm…I’d like the number one, the Pee Pee, please.”

Me: *eyebrows slowly raise, cheerful smile keeping me from laughing* “Ah, the number one, Pepe.” *pronounced PEH-PAY* “All righty, anything else?”

Older Woman: “Yes, the Pee Pee, that’ll be all. Mmmm. That just sounds so good…”

You’re Our Number Two Customer

| USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Popular

(My manager is in the bathroom pooping when a customer gets the sudden urge to poop. Our bathrooms are one person bathrooms, so the door is locked. The customer gets up and sprints to the bathroom and twists the doorknob so hard it breaks, and the customer barges in and sees my manager on the toilet.)

Manager: “Hi. Welcome to [Shop].”

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