I Will Be Popular, By Hook Or By Crook

, , , , | Friendly | December 19, 2017

(My friend and I just completed a production of ‘Peter Pan.’ I was Wendy, and he played Captain Hook.)

Me: “[Friend]! This little girl came up to me and gave me a flower and said she thought I was really pretty and wanted to be nice like me when she grew up!”

Friend: “Well, that’s nice. A little girl came up to me and said that I was evil and deserved to be eaten by the crocodile.”

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Dry Wit Runs In The Family

, , , , , , , | Related | November 22, 2017

(My thirteen-year-old daughter has just told me she’s feeling under the weather.)

Me: *feeling her forehead* “Ah, wow, why are you so hot?”

Daughter: *deadpan* “Genetics.”

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The Badly Behaving One? It Is Definitely Not You

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 11, 2017

(I share a name with a few other girls in my grade.)

Girl #1: “Hey, [My Name]!”

Me and Girl #2: “Yeah?”

Girl #1: *staring me directly in the eyes* “It’s not you, you f****** attention w****. Why do you think it would ever be you? It’s always you! Just this once, it’s not you, and you can’t f****** deal with that, can you? You little b****, you just do whatever you want to do and grab whatever measly bits of attention you can scrounge up. Well, you know what? I don’t care. I truly don’t. You can go die in a hole, because it will never. Be. You.” *turns to [Girl #2]* “Anyway! [Classmate #1] is apparently dating [Classmate #2] now! Isn’t that fantastic?!”

Girl #2: “What the living f***, [Girl #1]?”

(I more or less walked away with my jaw on the ground. There’s gotta be a nicer way to tell a person you’re not talking to them.)

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That’s Some Seriously Cute Ohana

, , , , | Hopeless | September 22, 2017

(I work at popular “emo” store, but we also sell things relating to Harry Potter, anime, etc. One day, a mom walks in followed by the most adorable little girl I have ever seen. They look around awhile before finding something they like.)

Girl: “Look, Mommy! A Stitch onesie!”

Mom: *looking at me* “Can she try it on?”

Me: “Of course!”

(The little girl puts on the onesie and it basically maximizes her cuteness factor. You know that warm, fuzzy feeling of, “Holy f***; that’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen,” when you’re looking at, like, chinchillas? That is what I am getting from this.)

Mom: “You look so cute! How much?”

Girl: “Forty bucks.”

Mom: “Oh… that’s a little expensive.”

(I can’t take the cute. It’s too much.)

Me: “You know what? We have coupons for twenty percent off for extra-special customers. And that was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Girl: “Yeah! Thank Miss Store Lady! You’re awesome!”

(She gave me a hug before taking the onesie off and running to the checkout with her mom. The little girl has come in since then, and is always just as adorable, but this was definitely the cutest.)

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They’re More Indoors People

, , , , | Romantic | June 6, 2017

(My friend and I are discussing the issue of hot guys who act like jerks.)

Friend: “It’s like that thing your parents say about you can be pretty on the outside but your inside is ugly.”

Me: “Sorta like, you’re a d**k, but I want your d**k, y’know?”

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