Some Jokes Never Die
(I’m working as a cashier at a grocery store and ringing up a male customer. After greeting him, I ask him if he needs any bags.)
Customer: “No, mine divorced me years ago.”
Feel Three To Choose
(I’m checking in an early customer who is dropping off his car to perform recall repairs. It is worth mentioning that I am not at my sharpest in the mornings.)
Me: “Is there a particular time that’s best for you to be able to come back that we should aim for?”
Customer: “Not in particular. What time do you close?”
Me: “Our service department is here until 6 pm. If it’s easier to pick up later, Sales is in until around 8:45 pm; we could also leave your keys and paperwork with them if that works better.”
Customer: “Oh, really? That’s good to know!”
Me: “Yep! We have MILLIONS of options! Well… okay, two. Before Service closes and after Service closes. Two options.”
Customer: *laughs*
Me: “Wait! Tomorrow! You can also pick up your car tomorrow if you want! THREE options!”
Try Some Phish Food Instead
(My husband and I are trying to figure out what to have for dinner.)
Husband: “I mean there’s seafood… or breakfast food. Breakfast fish?”
Me: “I’m not so sure breakfast fish is a thing.”
Husband: “Well you never know. I mean, there’s fish candy.”
Me: “You mean Swedish fish?”
Husband: “Yes.”
Me: “Those aren’t fish flavored.”
Husband: “Oh.”
(Pause.)
Me: “Did you really think they were fish flavored?”
Husband: “Little bit.”
(After some more thought, we realized there ARE breakfast fish dishes: kippers, smoked salmon, and fried catfish and eggs, among others.. But Swedish fish still aren’t fish flavored.)
Doesn’t Know Wheat You Mean
(My older sister is gluten-intolerant, meaning that her intestines get very unhappy when she eats anything with wheat. My uncle, on his way to our home for dinner, decides to pick up a dessert for her to eat.)
Uncle: “Do you have anything that’s gluten-free?”
Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any free items.”
Uncle: “No, GLUTEN-free. No wheat.”
Employee: “Sir, we don’t serve any free items.”
Uncle: “Gluten-free. You know, no wheat.”
Employee: “Sir, I told you, we don’t have anything for free.”
(This went on until he gave up. My sister didn’t get dessert that evening.)
This story is part of our Celiac Awareness Day roundup!
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Barking Up The Wrongest Tree
(I am a veterinary technician. I overhear an elderly client talking to the vet.)
Client: “Oh, [Doctor], can I ask one more question?”
Vet: “Of course!”
(The client gestures to a picture on the wall of a Dalmatian, sitting amidst a bunch of white cats with small black spots.)
Client: “Is that possible?”
Vet: “If you mean the markings, I’ve never seen a cat with Dalmatian spots. If you mean the dog being able to sit with cats—”
Client: “No, no. Can the dog be the dad, and the cat the mom?”
Vet: “Only with the magic of Photoshop.”
This story is part of our Take Your Cat To The Vet roundup!
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