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He Created A Slippery Situation

, , , , , | Romantic | February 27, 2020

My husband is from France but speaks perfect English. He occasionally has issues but they are rare. He and I are talking about Chinese food and how he hates it and I love it.

Me:
“Well, it isn’t that you hate it; you just don’t like most takeout because it’s too greasy.”

Husband:
“Yeah, and you don’t mind because you are a big fat person.”

I am in shock. I just stare at him with my mouth open. About two seconds after the words leave his mouth, he gets a look like he just set his hair on fire and starts stammering.

Husband:
“That isn’t what I meant! I just mean you love fat, like butter and sauces and stuff!”

I laughed and forgave him. While I am heavier than he is, that is due to him being a skinny, skinny thing, while I have a tad more “peasant stock” as we like to say.

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Remembering Where They Parked Is Now Your Problem  

, , , | Right | January 31, 2020

(It’s about 10:30 pm. My parents and I have just left the Giants game and have boarded a shuttle that takes us to our parking lot about two miles away. There are about fifteen other people on the bus. In the area around the ballpark, there’s a lot of construction, trying to revamp that area of the city and prepare for the America’s Cup coming up in a little over a month.)

Person: *getting on the bus* “Are you taking us back to where you picked us up before?”

Driver: “I’m sorry?”

Person: “Are you taking us back to where you picked us up before?”

Driver: “Where was that? I drop off at several places.”

Person: “You know, it’s a parking lot. You’re the one that picked us up!”

Driver: “Sir, I picked up hundreds of people before the game. I’m also dropping off at several parking lots. Which one was it?”

Person: “I don’t remember which one. It was the one next to construction, and between two buildings!”

(Just about everyone’s jaw drops, and my dad, who is sitting in the front row, puts his face in his hands.)

Driver: “Really? Did you really just say that?”

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Cappuccino-No-No, Part 2

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2020

Me: “Hi! What can I get started for you today?”

Customer: “I would like an extra dry, no foam cappuccino.”

Me: “So, a cappuccino is a foamy espresso drink. A dry cappuccino is mostly foam. A wet cappuccino has less foam, would you like that instead?”

Customer: “No! I want it extra dry, but make sure it has no foam.”

Me: “Would you like a no foam latte, instead? A cappuccino, by definition, has foam in it.”

Customer: “Yes, okay, but make sure it’s extra dry.”

Related:
Cappuccino-No-No

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Keep Driving East And Eventually, It Will!

, , , , , | Working | September 17, 2019

(I travel pretty much everywhere in my city by bus and it is usually easy to tell who the tourists are as they often ask the divers for specific stops. The drivers don’t always appreciate having to be a tour guide for these folks.)

Tourist: “Where is the stop for Chinatown?”

Driver: “You get off when it looks like China.”

Tourist: “Yes, but what is the specific stop?”

Driver: “You get off when it looks like China!”

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Avocado-Over

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2019

(Our roommate works in the deli and told us this story of the first customer he had on the busiest day of the week.)

Employee: “Hi, welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a [sandwich with avocado].”

Employee: “No problem.” *makes the sandwich like usual and starts spreading the avocado on the bread for this type of sandwich*

Customer: “I don’t want it on that bread; I want it on this type of bread.”

Employee: “Okay, then.”

(He has to dispose of the other sandwich and start a new one on the requested type of bread. He has just spread the avocado on again…)

Customer: “Don’t you have any fresh avocado?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, the deli only carries this type of avocado spread.”

Customer: “Well, [Sandwich Chain] carries it! Why can’t you do it like them?”

Employee: “Would you like me to get a fresh avocado for you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes!”

([Employee] gets a fresh avocado from the other side of the store and brings it back to the deli and starts to remake the sandwich again. He scoops the fresh avocado out of its skin and proceeds to spread it on the bread.)

Customer: “You’re doing it wrong!”

Employee: *becoming annoyed* “I’m sorry, sir, how did you want me to make it?”

Customer: “You’re supposed to use avocado slices, like [Sandwich Chain]!” 

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, this is the only way I’ve been trained to make this sandwich. Did you want to order something else?”

(The customer makes a disgruntled noise but allows the employee to finish the sandwich they ordered before stomping off. The employee proceeds to watch the customer buy the sandwich, and then promptly walk over to customer service and return it, complaining loudly the entire time about what horrible sandwiches are made at the deli. After the grumpy customer leaves, the customer service clerk comes over.)

Customer Service Clerk: “What was that about?”

([Employee] rehashes the entire experience over again to the clerk.)

Customer Service Clerk: “Man, if it had been me, I would have refused to make his sandwich again after the second time!”

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