I Left My Pants In San Francisco

, , , , | Right | March 18, 2020

(I take photos at an aquarium, and during the downtime I reset some of the displays so guests won’t have to reset them themselves. One time, I see a middle-aged to elderly gentleman wearing only a shirt and a diaper. He comes up to me and asks a few questions.)

Guest: “Where is the rest of the aquarium?”

Me: *trying to keep my face calm and not shocked at what’s going on* “The rest of the aquarium is downstairs through the elevator.”

Guest: “Thank you.”

Me: *thinking; only in this area you get the most interesting situations* “Have a great day.”

(After he went down the elevator, I walked up to a few coworkers. Sadly, I don’t remember what words were said. We talked about how he was able to get into the aquarium and why, oh why was he only wearing a shirt and a diaper? Five minutes later, we heard on the radio that the guest was being escorted out with a refund, and we found out that he was doing a social experiment. The ticket booth had warned the front desk not to let him in, and the person running the front desk ignored the warning.)

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He Created A Slippery Situation

, , , , , | Romantic | February 27, 2020

My husband is from France but speaks perfect English. He occasionally has issues but they are rare. He and I are talking about Chinese food and how he hates it and I love it.

Me:
“Well, it isn’t that you hate it; you just don’t like most takeout because it’s too greasy.”

Husband:
“Yeah, and you don’t mind because you are a big fat person.”

I am in shock. I just stare at him with my mouth open. About two seconds after the words leave his mouth, he gets a look like he just set his hair on fire and starts stammering.

Husband:
“That isn’t what I meant! I just mean you love fat, like butter and sauces and stuff!”

I laughed and forgave him. While I am heavier than he is, that is due to him being a skinny, skinny thing, while I have a tad more “peasant stock” as we like to say.

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Remembering Where They Parked Is Now Your Problem  

, , , | Right | January 31, 2020

(It’s about 10:30 pm. My parents and I have just left the Giants game and have boarded a shuttle that takes us to our parking lot about two miles away. There are about fifteen other people on the bus. In the area around the ballpark, there’s a lot of construction, trying to revamp that area of the city and prepare for the America’s Cup coming up in a little over a month.)

Person: *getting on the bus* “Are you taking us back to where you picked us up before?”

Driver: “I’m sorry?”

Person: “Are you taking us back to where you picked us up before?”

Driver: “Where was that? I drop off at several places.”

Person: “You know, it’s a parking lot. You’re the one that picked us up!”

Driver: “Sir, I picked up hundreds of people before the game. I’m also dropping off at several parking lots. Which one was it?”

Person: “I don’t remember which one. It was the one next to construction, and between two buildings!”

(Just about everyone’s jaw drops, and my dad, who is sitting in the front row, puts his face in his hands.)

Driver: “Really? Did you really just say that?”

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Cappuccino-No-No

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2020

Me: “Hi! What can I get started for you today?”

Customer: “I would like an extra dry, no foam cappuccino.”

Me: “So, a cappuccino is a foamy espresso drink. A dry cappuccino is mostly foam. A wet cappuccino has less foam, would you like that instead?”

Customer: “No! I want it extra dry, but make sure it has no foam.”

Me: “Would you like a no foam latte, instead? A cappuccino, by definition, has foam in it.”

Customer: “Yes, okay, but make sure it’s extra dry.”

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Keep Driving East And Eventually, It Will!

, , , , , | Working | September 17, 2019

(I travel pretty much everywhere in my city by bus and it is usually easy to tell who the tourists are as they often ask the divers for specific stops. The drivers don’t always appreciate having to be a tour guide for these folks.)

Tourist: “Where is the stop for Chinatown?”

Driver: “You get off when it looks like China.”

Tourist: “Yes, but what is the specific stop?”

Driver: “You get off when it looks like China!”

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