Right Working Romantic Related Learning Friendly Healthy Legal Inspirational Unfiltered

Destroying The Scientific Method

, , , , , , , | Learning | August 30, 2019

(I’m visiting my sister and we’re picking her kid up from school. While we’re there, I learn that the students are learning about biology. I’m a microbiology PhD student, and the teacher excitedly tells the students that I’m a scientist. When considering their questions — and my answers — please bear in mind that I’ve studied two classes of bacterial genes for the past three years and just about nothing else.)

Child #1: “Ms. [My Name], if lily pads were blue, would frogs be blue?”

Me: “I, uh, maybe, but frogs spend time with other plants, too, so–”

Child #2: “Ms. [Almost My Name], if I fed a tadpole a little bit of salt every day, could I make a frog that lives in the ocean?”

Me: “Not right away, but if you kept feeding lots of tadpoles a little bit of salt over hundreds of years, maybe!”

Child #3: “Ms. [Definitely Not My Name], what’s ‘serviette’ mean?” 

Me: “Oh, that’s just a fancy word for a napkin.”

Child #1: “Ms. [My Name], when there were dinosaurs, were the frogs really big?”

Me: “Well, they wouldn’t be frogs, but they might be ancestors of frogs that–”

Child #3: “So, why did they used call Russia the serviette union?”

Me: “–ancestors of frogs… that… They used to call it the Soviet Union. ‘Soviet’ is a Russian word for… farmer, I think.”

(It’s not. But I couldn’t remember what it did mean, because…)

Child #2: “Only I have a bucket of tadpoles, and I gave then a little salt, and they’re all okay, except the ones Henry ate.”

Me: “Henry… ate..?”

Child #2: “Like this!” *baring her teeth* “Raar raar raar!”

Children #1 and #3: “Raar raar!”

(A bell rings, and they disappear. I go talk to the teacher.)

Me: “So… biology. Lot about frogs, I guess?”

Teacher: “Oh, no. We’ve been talking about trees. But I brought a frog to class and it jumped onto a student’s head, and they still haven’t stopped trying to make it happen again.”

Me: “Also, this might be important. Who’s Henry?”

(The teacher points to a small boy who’s hitting a pencil with another pencil.)

Teacher: “Oh, also, that’s the name of the principals’ cat. Why do you ask?”

Making Baka Of Themselves

, , , , , | Right | August 3, 2019

(I am a customer in line at a grocery store, standing behind two Japanese girls. The employee bagging their groceries is clearly mentally challenged and her work is a little slow, but neat. The girls smile as they start saying rude things about her in their native tongue.)

Rude Girl #1: *in Japanese* “God, what’s wrong with this girl? She’s taking forever.”

Rude Girl #2: *in Japanese* “I don’t know. Maybe she’s a friend of the manager or something. I mean, look at her, smiling like an idiot.”

(They laugh, and I’ve had enough. I’m not totally fluent in Japanese, but I know enough.)

Me: *in Japanese* “She may not know what you’re saying, but I do. I won’t hurt her feelings by telling her so, but I think you both should be quiet right about now.”

(I smiled sweetly at the pair. Both girls went pale and shut up, not saying another word as they took their bags and left. The employee thanked me for what I did, since she had an inkling as to what was going on, and her smile made my day.)

Doesn’t Take A Rocket Scientist To Get Rid Of Him

, , , , , , | Working | June 27, 2019

(I work at a company that makes big rockets — the kind that put satellites into orbit. One of my coworkers, a slacker, drops a large wrench onto one, damaging it so badly it is scrapped. Cost: $6,000,000. He is given a month’s unpaid suspension as punishment, but the union argues “poor training,” resulting in full back pay. A year later, he leaves the building while pressurizing another, more complete rocket. A bulkhead collapses, resulting in a second scrapping. Cost this time: $12,000,000! This time the company finds a way to get rid of him. They call him to HR, along with his union steward.)

HR: “I’d like you to read through your original employment application, and tell me if there are any errors.”

Slacker: “Uh, no, it looks fine.”

HR: “Okay, just to be sure, you didn’t make any mistakes filling it out?”

Slacker: “No, everything is accurate.”

HR: “Thank you. You’re fired. It seems you lied about a felony conviction.”

Slacker: *looks pleadingly at union steward*

Union Steward: *shrugs*

You Say Tomato, I Say Anaphylactic Shock

, , , , | Right | June 19, 2019

(My dad and I have ordered pizza for takeout and are waiting to pick it up when a man comes in and goes straight to the cashier.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I ordered a vegetarian pizza with marinara sauce but no tomatoes, and it came with tomatoes on it.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll get that fixed for you right away.”

Customer: “No, no, no. It’s no problem really but I just want to tell you that tomatoes can be an allergen. Now, I’m not allergic, but some people might be, so just be careful next time.”

(The man then leaves the shop.)

Me: *to my dad* “You know, if I was allergic to tomatoes, I probably wouldn’t be ordering a pizza with marinara sauce on it.”

Thought You Wouldn’t Have A Cat In Hell’s Chance

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2019

(A while back I briefly looked at a book on the “New Fiction” wall in a bookstore and decided I didn’t really want to get it. Fast forward a few months. I can’t get that book out of my mind. I go to the bookstore in search of it and have to ask one of the cashiers for help.)

Me: “I have possibly an impossible question.”

Cashier: “All right. Well, shoot, and I’ll see if I can help you out.”

Me: “Okay. A while ago I came in and saw a book, but the thing is I can’t remember what the name was, who it was by, or what it looked like. All I know is that it was on the ‘New Fiction’ wall and it was about a cat.”

Cashier: “Hmm… Yeah, that’s tough. Well, do you know when you saw it? I can search up keywords on the computer, but a date would be more helpful.”

Me: “I feel so bad. I have no idea when I saw it. A few months ago, maybe? Definitely before September last year.”

Cashier: “Um… Okay. Let’s try looking up from January to now and put a few keywords in. Let’s go with cats and fiction… All right, it looks like we’ve got twelve books that came up.”

Me: “Well, that’s a lot less than I had thought would come up.”

Cashier: *after cancelling out ten books that were about cat training and behavior* “How about this one? [Book] is about a cat who used to live with a lady, but one day the lady never returned. Instead, her daughter came and picked her up, along with packing up all her mother’s belongings, and now the cat has to try and fit into her new lifestyle.”

Me: “Wow. Yes, that’s it. You are wonderful. Thank you so much!”