Thought You Wouldn’t Have A Cat In Hell’s Chance

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2019

(A while back I briefly looked at a book on the “New Fiction” wall in a bookstore and decided I didn’t really want to get it. Fast forward a few months. I can’t get that book out of my mind. I go to the bookstore in search of it and have to ask one of the cashiers for help.)

Me: “I have possibly an impossible question.”

Cashier: “All right. Well, shoot, and I’ll see if I can help you out.”

Me: “Okay. A while ago I came in and saw a book, but the thing is I can’t remember what the name was, who it was by, or what it looked like. All I know is that it was on the ‘New Fiction’ wall and it was about a cat.”

Cashier: “Hmm… Yeah, that’s tough. Well, do you know when you saw it? I can search up keywords on the computer, but a date would be more helpful.”

Me: “I feel so bad. I have no idea when I saw it. A few months ago, maybe? Definitely before September last year.”

Cashier: “Um… Okay. Let’s try looking up from January to now and put a few keywords in. Let’s go with cats and fiction… All right, it looks like we’ve got twelve books that came up.”

Me: “Well, that’s a lot less than I had thought would come up.”

Cashier: *after cancelling out ten books that were about cat training and behavior* “How about this one? [Book] is about a cat who used to live with a lady, but one day the lady never returned. Instead, her daughter came and picked her up, along with packing up all her mother’s belongings, and now the cat has to try and fit into her new lifestyle.”

Me: “Wow. Yes, that’s it. You are wonderful. Thank you so much!”

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They Deserve A Cat Nap After This Rescue

, , , , , , | Hopeless | June 10, 2019

(I’m driving home from the grocery store at around 2:00 pm and I am about to pull into a left turn lane. This is a really busy street. A bunch of cars in front of me get a green light and are about to start going. One car throws their door open and drops a tiny kitten out onto the middle of the road in front of my car. I stop my car, blocking the lane, throw on my hazards, and hop out. Yes, I realize it’s incredibly dangerous, and a really poorly thought-out move.)

Me: “Here, kitty.”

(As I make noises to call the cat, a woman on the other side of the street calls out to me.)

Woman: “Is that your baby?”

Me:No! Someone just threw it on to the road.”

Woman: “If it comes this way, I’ll grab it.”

(I am able to run, grab the kitten, and wrap it in my sweater, but not without getting scratched and bitten. It calms down, and I’m able to get strapped in before any other cars come by in my lane and before the light turns green. I head home and wake my husband up.)

Me: *crying and talking fast* “Babe, I was driving home and someone dropped a kitten out of their car in front of me. I’ll totally take it to the humane society since we said we didn’t want more pets. But I’m upset and I need you.”

Husband: *calming me down* “Looks like we have a new member of the family.”

(It’s been three weeks. The vet says he’s perfectly healthy. He’s fully acclimated to our other three cats and our kids. He’s the sweetest little love bug. Thanks to the jerk who threw a kitten out of their car, we now have an amazing new member of the family.)

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Losing A Student Almost Makes Them Lose It

, , , , , , , | Learning | May 18, 2019

During my junior year, I go on a trip to San Diego with one of the clubs from my school, which is in the Chicago area. After our flight lands and we arrive at our hotel, we decide to get lunch at a restaurant in Old Town then spend the afternoon sightseeing in the area.

The hotel offers a shuttle for guests but will need to make four trips due to the size of our group. I am in the second group, and we are dropped off at the intersection where the first group is waiting. There are some stands a few feet from the intersection that have interesting crafts for sale, so I decide to browse while we wait for the last two groups to get there.

I finish making a purchase – which takes me less time than a single round trip to the hotel, let alone two – only to turn around and discover that everyone is gone. Turns out the teachers found out that the shuttle could drop off directly at the restaurant, so the last two groups went there while the first two walked over, not realizing I wasn’t with them.

Thankfully, there are kiosks with maps nearby and I remember the name of the restaurant, so I quickly find my way there. As I am walking up to the front door, one of my teachers is walking out with her cell phone in hand and, seeing me, says, “I was just about to call you!” I don’t have a cell phone, which I tell her. “Then what’s this number?” I check her phone and, sure enough, it is my number – my home number.

And that’s how I narrowly avoided giving my parents a heart attack from 2000 miles away.

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There’s Acting Nice And Then There’s BEING Nice

, , , , , , | Friendly Working | May 15, 2019

(At my favorite convention, I decide to camp out overnight for the chance to enter a drawing that would get me into an autograph session for one of my favorite shows. A miracle occurs and I get in! Later that day, I’m at the signing and get to talk briefly to the cast. The first actress I talk to isn’t new to show business, but is kind of new to the convention circuit.)

Actress #1: “Hi! How are you?”

Me: “I’m great! How are you?”

Actress #1: “Oh, this is great, but I’m a bit tired.”

Me: “Yeah, me, too. I waited ten hours for the drawing this morning.”

(She sort of just stares blankly at me, trying to process this information. It never occurred to me she didn’t know this was how long we had to wait.)

Actress #1: “Wait, honey, where did you sleep?”

Me: “Well, outside.”

Actress #1: “YOU SLEPT OUTSIDE?!”

Me: “Yeah, but we all did. That’s the only way to get into this.”

Actress #1: “Wow…”

(She smiles at me and I move on. The next actress plays my favorite female character other than the lead, and I’m so excited to meet her.)

Me: “It was worth sleeping ten hours on concrete to meet you.”

Actress #2: *takes my hand in hers and smiles* “Love, I would do the same thing. It’s so great to meet all of you.”

(I’m on cloud nine when I meet the next actor. I’m cosplaying as the lead character.)

Actor: “Oh, hey, [Lead Character], how are you? Oh, wait, you’re not [Lead Character]! What’s your name?”

(I absolutely melted, told him my name, and thanked him. There have sadly been a lot of stories of celebrities letting people down and being terrible people, but I feel like sometimes we need a reminder there are some really great ones out there who are genuinely good people who love their fans.)

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No Caprese, Capiche?

, , , , , | Right | March 4, 2019

Customer: “I would like two orders of the chicken caprese with no caprese.”

Me: “Okay, it is a chicken dish based on a caprese salad which is comprised of fresh mozzarella, sliced tomato, fresh basil, and then drizzled with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. So the actual dish is a balsamic glazed chicken breast stuffed with fresh mozzarella, tomato, and basil. Which of the ingredients do you wish to avoid?”

Customer: “Caprese.”

Me: “So you want two plain chicken breasts then?”

Customer: “No, I just don’t want no caprese on it.”

Me: “Again, caprese means fresh mozzarella cheese, tomato and fresh basil leaves drizzled with balsamic vinegar, so when you say you do not want the caprese do you mean the balsamic glaze on the chicken? Do you not want the basil? Or is it the cheese, or the tomato? Because they all make up the “caprese” part of the chicken caprese dish, so saying you don’t want caprese makes it plain chicken. So can you tell me which ingredient it is you do not want?”

Customer: “Caprese.”

Me: *soul slowly dying*

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