(I’m on a Skype phone call on my laptop with my ex-boyfriend. He just got done helping me finish a character for a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m trying to make. I start to talk about something when the Skype call drops and a second later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Ex: “So, I am not a smart man.”

Me: “What happened?”

Ex: “Since we were done with your character and your voice was coming through my headphones I shut down my computer, which in turn ended the Skype call.”

Me: *cracking up for the next five minutes*

(I have been operating a business for the past year where I buy merchandise from auctions, etc. and sell them on Craigslist. I’ve got seven years of customer service under my belt, so I know how to deal with people. The following conversation occurs through text messages. He contacts me about a janitorial cart I have listed for $75.)

Craigslister: “Do you still have your janitor cart still for sale to make an offer on?”

Me: “Hi there! Yes, it’s still available. I won’t be around tomorrow but my boyfriend will be here all day if you’d like to come check it out.”

Craigslister: “Will you ask him if he will take $30 for it?”

Me: “Definitely not. The lowest we can go is $60. They sell in store for over $100 and this one hasn’t been used. If you can do $60 we have a deal.”

Craigslister: “Highest I’ll do is $40. They’ve got almost new ones on Craigslist for $50.”

Me: “And my new one is for $60, no almost about it. But there’s no use haggling. Your mind is made up. Best of luck to you.”

Craigslister: “I actually wanted one so I could make my grandpa a fishing cart for his birthday. So no use being a jerk. If it’s so new you should return it.”

Me: “I’m not being a jerk. If you won’t do my asking price, you don’t need to point out what others are selling it for. If you can find it for less, why even ask me? I think it’s a sweet idea what you’re doing but you’re not going to coerce me into selling it for next to nothing because others have it for $10 less than I’m willing to go. Get it from them then and be done.”

Craigslister: “You must be a woman.”

Me: “You must be an idiot.”

Craigslister: “Nah, the idiot is gonna be the guy that buys the cart. You’re probably an illegal, if anything. Who buys janitorial supplies? Or you stole it.”

Me: “You’re funny. This is my business. I buy and sell things on Craigslist. I deal with people like you all the time. You think that by telling me someone has it for cheaper that I will lower my price. Just get it from them, then! Don’t waste my time. I really don’t care what you’re going to do with it. If you don’t like my price, move on. Don’t attempt to insult me because I won’t take half price for it. That’s your problem, not mine.”

Craigslister: “Yup, I was totally right. You’re illegal. Go back to Mexico.”

(My blood was boiling at this point, so I decided to just walk away from it. After cooling down several hours later, I posted an ad on Craigslist in Spanish asking for yard work with his phone number as the contact. I giggled and have now moved on with my life.)

This story is part of our Hagglers roundup.

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(I am in the business of buying items from auctions and selling them online. This guy had one of the most interesting haggling techniques over a practically new mini-fridge. This conversation occurred over several days through text message.)

Customer: “Still have the mini-fridge?”

Me: “Yes, it’s still available.”

Customer: “I was wondering if you would take $50 for it.”

Me: “I can’t go that low. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “What’s the lowest you will go?”

Me: “$75.”

Customer: “$50 max. It has a scratch and a dent. I see it in the pics.”

Me: “That’s why I’m asking so low. It’s worth $150. Thanks, anyway.”

Customer: “$75 is not low.”

(Three hours later:)

Customer: “Well, what’s the lowest?”

(I decide not to respond as I have already told him my lowest price and we have too big of a discrepancy to continue.)

Customer #2: “Hello, do you still have the mini-fridge?”

Me: “Yes, I still have it.”

Customer #2: “How much is it?”

Me: “$85.”

Customer #2: “I’ll give you $50.”

(I start to wonder if this is the same guy. Since I was using an anonymous texting service, texts come through as separate threads rather than one conversational string between two people. I go back and look at the previous string and realize this is the same person, as if I won’t recognize that it’s the same number.)

Me: “Lowest I can do is $75.”

Customer: “Is it in perfect condition?”

Me: “We discussed this last night. The price has not changed. You are clearly interested. Why don’t you come and have a look? The scratch on the outside has no effect on the functionality of the fridge. The inside is pristine, like new. You can purchase it for $75 or you can go to the store and buy a new one for over $150 or look for a smaller fridge that fits in your budget. $75 is the lowest I will go. Let me know if you are interested.”

Customer: “Not interested for $75.”

Me: “Best of luck to you.”

Customer: “You’re too far, anyway. You live in the middle of nowhere.”

Me: “…Then why did you contact me?”

Customer: “Cuz I’ll go for $50, duh.”

Me: “Haha, okay. Have a good one, man.”

(Four days later, guess who texts again…)

Customer: “Will you take $50 for the fridge?”

Me: “It’s still $85. Please stop asking if I will take $50. If you want it, the lowest is $75. If not, please look elsewhere.”

Customer: “D*** it.”

(Over a month later, I have since sold the fridge for the price I was asking and have acquired two more.)

Customer #: “Hello, do you still have the fridge?”

Me: “Yes, it’s still available.”

Customer #3: “Will you take $40?”

Me: “I’ve got two posted, one for $90 that’s brand new and another for $75 that’s not… So, no, I can’t do $40. I could do $80 for the new and $60 for the other.”

Customer #3: “All right, thanks.”

(My boyfriend jokingly suggests that maybe this is the same guy. We laugh and poke fun and play “what if,” but I decide to go back through my texts and check. It is A MONTH AND THREE DAYS since our last contact, and sure enough, IT’S HIM.)

Me: “If you’re asking about the one we talked about last month, I sold that weeks ago for full price. These are new fridges I have.”

Customer: “Crap.”

This story is part of our Hagglers roundup.

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(I’m a graduate student from New Mexico attending San Diego State University in California. It’s my second year in state when I get a call from the California equivalent of the IRS.)

Tax Board: “We are calling because you didn’t pay your taxes for the previous year.”

Me: “For which year?”

Tax Board: “[Year I first arrived in California].”

Me: “Yes. I was not a California resident that year.”

Tax Board: “Yes, but you were living in California.”

Me: “True, but I was maintaining my New Mexico residency. I paid New Mexico state income taxes for that year. I’m a graduate student and since I could not guarantee that I would be staying past the first year, I was maintaining my New Mexico residency in case I didn’t pass through the first year.”

Tax Board: “But you were still living in California.”

Me: “But I was not a California resident. What money is this about?”

Tax Board: “We have a record of interest on [bank account] of $800.”

Me: “That account is drawn on a bank in New Mexico.”

Tax Board: “But you were living in California.”

Me: “But I was maintaining my New Mexico residency. I specifically did not move my accounts over nor did I register my car nor get a driver’s license in California until this year. My voter registration was for New Mexico. I was not a California resident.”

Tax Board: “But you were living in California when you earned the money.”

Me: “But I was maintaining my New Mexico residency. I was not a resident of California.”

Tax Board: “But if you are living in California when you earn money, you must pay California taxes on it.”

Me: “That makes no sense. That means anybody who is physically in California whenever any interest is earned means they owe California income tax and that clearly isn’t true.”

Tax Board: “But as soon as you started living in California, you owed California income tax on any money you earned. You weren’t just visiting. You were living here.”

Me: “Wait a minute. It seems every government agency here in California has a different idea of ‘residency.’ The DMV seems to think I needed to register my car as soon as I drove over the border from Arizona. The university says I’m not a resident until I’ve lived here a year. And now you’re telling me that I’m a resident as soon as I earned any money.”

Tax Board: “Yes, you owe California income tax on money you earned while living in California.”

Me: “You say I owe taxes on $800 of interest income? That’s what, eight dollars of taxes I owe?”

Tax Board: “That’s right.”

Me: “I’ll be happy to write you a check for $8 in exchange for a refund of the $10,000 in out-of-state tuition I had to pay.”

Tax Board: “Excuse me?”

Me: “If I’m liable for taxes, then I demand the services that those taxes paid for. San Diego State is a state-run institution. It is funded by my tax revenues. I was charged out-of-state tuition. But you, the tax franchise board, are saying that I am a resident of California. Refund me my out-of-state tuition. You can take the eight bucks out of that.”

Tax Board: “… I think we might be able to overlook this.”

(Being a big military town, it is fairly common to have women come into our bridal store to shop for military events like the yearly ball. A customer comes in with her husband.)

Customer: “I just had a baby and my body hasn’t quite bounced back yet.”

Husband: *rolls eyes* “Hun, you look great. Really. Please stop saying that.”

Customer: *ignoring husband* “But it is the annual ball, so I need to look nice. I was thinking of something in black, since black is slimming, but I’m not sure of my size at this point because of the baby.”

Me: “I would be happy to measure you but you look to be about a size 10. What did you have in mind for style?”

Customer: “Probably something very simple.”

(The customer walks through the non-bridal section with me to look over the styles and proceeds to pick every dress with NO shape she finds.)

Me: “Are you sure you don’t want to try on something with a little more shape to it? You have a better figure than you let on.”

Husband: “Yes. PLEASE!”

Customer: “No. These are fine. I mean, I really need to work out and flatten this pooch down.” *grabs stomach*

(The customer has literally grimaced at everything she has tried on, not liking anything. Her husband has tried desperately to explain how beautiful she is, while fidgeting in an armchair next to the fitting area.)

Me: *sigh* “Okay. Let me see what else we have.”

Customer: “Thanks. I know there’s only so much you can do.”

Me: *coming up with a plan* “Oh! We just got this dress in a couple days ago and I haven’t gotten to see it on anyone. Would you mind so much just trying it on and humoring me?”

(The dress is a mermaid cut halter dress, VERY Marilyn Monroe but floor length. Perfect for a woman with real curves.)

Customer: “Ooh, um, sure.”

(The customer smiles awkwardly, clearly not wanting to be rude and say ‘no.’ As she goes into the fitting room I look at her husband, wink, and smile. The customer walks out of the fitting room looking drop-dead 50s-goddess gorgeous.)

Customer: “I don’t kn—”

Husband: *knocks over chair jumping up* “THIS ONE! WE’LL TAKE THIS ONE!” *under his breath* “…and after the ball we can make a sibling for the baby.”