(I am giving a dateless young coworker tips on attracting women. We’re both men.)
Me: “Do all that, and you’ll have the beat them off with a stick!”
Young Coworker: *annoyed* “I’ll beat you off with a stick!”
Me: “Your hand will be fine.”
(I work for a company that makes products with laser scanners in them. This means annual inspections by the FDA’s department of devices and radiological health. After the inspector finally leaves:)
Me: “Darn, that guy was here all day, and I forgot to say, ‘Frickin’ laser beams!'”
Coworker: “I’m sure he’s heard it before.”
(I work in a big smoothie shop that is currently promoting fresh juices, so I have to ask every customer if they want to try one.)
Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Smoothie Shop]! Have you tried any of our fresh-squeezed juices?”
Customer: “No, but I’m in the mood for something healthy. What’s the healthiest juice you have?”
Me: “The [Juice] has all-organic juice with a whole serving of [Vegetable Supplement], and you can’t taste the veggies at all.”
(I hand him a sample.)
Customer: “This is really good, but I think I will just get a [Smoothie containing pure chocolate and ice cream].”
(I’m cooking dinner next to my best friend and roommate when she accidentally knocks something over and it falls to the floor.)
Me: “This is why we can’t have nice things, [Friend].”
Friend: “We can’t have nice things because we’re poor, [My Name].”
(It is summer in San Diego, around 1:00 pm, and our air conditioner is broken. It is quite warm, to say the least. We are busy, and sweating is inevitable. I have a table of two women, maybe in their 40s, and I have just returned with their drinks.)
Me: “Ladies, are you ready to order?”
(One of them hands me a napkin because of the perspiration blatantly streaming down my forehead. I take it as a kind gesture, so I pat my forehead dry.)
Customer: “It’s a bit warm, huh?”
Me: “Thank you. Yes, it is; our air conditioner is broken.”
Customer: “You know, it’s not polite to sweat in front of customers.”
Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but it’s very hot in here, and I can’t really help it.”
Customer: “Oh. You’re one of those people.”
(…wait, what?)
