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That’s An Old Joke

, , , , , , | Working | July 20, 2018

(After adding a battery to my customer’s wife’s watch and handing it to him…)

Me: “I forgot to check what brand your watch is. May I see it again so I can enter it into our system?”

Customer: *handing back the watch* “Sure, but it’s not my watch; it’s my wife’s. She’s been with me over 50 years!”

Me: *looking at watch* “A fossil!”

Customer: “…”

Me: *mortified* “No! The brand of the watch for which I just put in a battery for you. Not your wife!”

Leaked Their Scam

, , , , , | Right | June 13, 2018

(In early 2012, I’m selling my PT Cruiser as part of getting ready to take a job in Japan. I have had a woman test the car and am getting ready to turn it over to her, but her husband decides to do one last check.)

Husband: “Well, you have an oil leak, so I can’t take it for the asking price. I will pay you [less than half what I am asking].”

Me: *knowing that my car consumes barely any oil at all, much less enough to account for a leak* “Where’s this leak?”

Husband: “Right there, see? And there.” *points out a couple of wet spots on the parking lot under my car*

Me: *now uncertain* “Well, my garage never mentioned an oil leak; let me have it checked out again and I’ll get back to you.”

Husband: “They’re just going to say what you want to hear. Take my offer or leave it.”

Me: “Okay, bye.”

(He gives a surprised expression and I leave. I am living with my parents in the lead-up to leaving and my father has this to say.)

Father: “I know for a fact you don’t have a leak. If you did, we’d have oil stains in the driveway.”

(I eventually sold it to a national used car chain for slightly less than my asking, because the only thing wrong with it was cosmetic damage. It was in better shape than most Cruisers its age.)

Mother’s Day Of The Dead

, , , , , , , | Friendly | June 11, 2018

(My family is what people consider morbid for the way we talk about our deceased mother. When Mother’s Day comes, this is one of the many stories I have about why I’m not doing anything.)

Coworker #1: “I’m taking my mother to dinner and buying her flowers.”

Coworker #2: “I’m cooking my mother’s favorite dinner. What about you, [My Name]?”

Me: “I’m not doing anything for her.”

Coworker #2: “How can you be so mean? Don’t you want to show her you love her?”

Me: “I do love her, but it’s not like she is going to throw a fit and yell at me.”

([Coworker #1] is laughing, since she knows about my mother and that I have already told [Coworker #2] my mother is dead.)

Coworker #2: “I hope you have a miserable Mother’s Day, [My Name]. Your mother might leave and you will never see her again.”

Me: “If my mother leaves, I will know, since there will be a giant hole from where she dug herself out of her grave. It’s not like she is going to say, ‘I’m tired of this grave plot; I’m moving to a new one.’”

([Coworker #2] got mad, cussed me out, and then refused to even look at me. [Coworker #1] had started laughing so hard they were snorting.)

No Longer A Family-Friendly Store

, , , , , | Right | May 24, 2018

(It’s 9:00 pm, which is our closing time. Our store has two entrances: one main one in the front, and one on the side that leads easily back to the main pathway of the mall. When we close, we close the front entrance so customers can finish up and exit on our side entrance. I just finished ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Have a good night, ma’am. Just to let you know, our front entrance is closed, but you can exit through our side doors.”

(The customer gives me a terrified look as if I just told her I have taken her family hostage.)

Customer: *puts her hand on her heart* “You mean I can’t go out and be with my family?!” *shakes her head looking very worried* “Oh, that’s not good… That’s not good at all.”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am. That entrance leads right back to the mall; just go left and you will see where you first came in.”

Customer: *cheery* “Oh! Okay!”

Mapping It Out For Them

, , , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(I go to a copy and business supply store to have a large map laminated. The map measures 24 inches by 36 inches. Upon learning these dimensions, the clerk tells me:)

Clerk: “I’m sorry. Our widest lamination machine is only 26 inches wide. We can’t help you.”

(I wait a few moments for him to connect the dots, then reply:)

Me: “Well… Can’t you just turn the map sideways and pass the now-24-inch wide map through the machine?”

Clerk: *after a confused moment or two* “Sure! No problem!”