No Longer A Family-Friendly Store

, , , , , | Right | May 24, 2018

(It’s 9:00 pm, which is our closing time. Our store has two entrances: one main one in the front, and one on the side that leads easily back to the main pathway of the mall. When we close, we close the front entrance so customers can finish up and exit on our side entrance. I just finished ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Have a good night, ma’am. Just to let you know, our front entrance is closed, but you can exit through our side doors.”

(The customer gives me a terrified look as if I just told her I have taken her family hostage.)

Customer: *puts her hand on her heart* “You mean I can’t go out and be with my family?!” *shakes her head looking very worried* “Oh, that’s not good… That’s not good at all.”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am. That entrance leads right back to the mall; just go left and you will see where you first came in.”

Customer: *cheery* “Oh! Okay!”

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Mapping It Out For Them

, , , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(I go to a copy and business supply store to have a large map laminated. The map measures 24 inches by 36 inches. Upon learning these dimensions, the clerk tells me:)

Clerk: “I’m sorry. Our widest lamination machine is only 26 inches wide. We can’t help you.”

(I wait a few moments for him to connect the dots, then reply:)

Me: “Well… Can’t you just turn the map sideways and pass the now-24-inch wide map through the machine?”

Clerk: *after a confused moment or two* “Sure! No problem!”

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Valentine’s Pay

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | February 12, 2018

Several years ago, a friend and his wife invited my wife and me to dinner at a very nice local restaurant. The two of them had visited the restaurant several times previously, and they were pleased with both the food and the price. This time, the reservations happened to be on Valentine’s Day.

We arrived at the restaurant in good time. We were a bit surprised that there were more empty tables than we expected. We were seated, and read the menus. The offerings were their standard meals, but the menu itself had, “Valentine’s Day Specials,” printed on it. The prices were four times the usual amount, too! We asked the waiter why the prices were higher than usual, and he said something like, “Well, it is Valentine’s Day, and you should be giving your ladies something special!”

We decided not to pay the highly-inflated prices, and got up to leave. A customer at an adjoining table looked at us, then spoke up and said, “I wish I had done that, too!”

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New Mexico, Old Problem

, , , , , | Working | January 11, 2018

(It’s the end of the 90s, and my wife has moved from a small town in New Mexico to San Antonio, TX. She calls a bank to see if she can open an account.)

Wife: “I just moved here and haven’t gotten my new license yet. Can I open an account using my New Mexico driver’s license?”

CS Agent: “Yes, as long as you have your green card or other paperwork showing you are legally permitted to live in the USA.”

Wife: “What? I’m from New Mexico… a state in the US… one state west of here.”

CS Agent: “Oh… ummm… no, you need your Texas license.”

(So, out of country, no problem; same country but different state, FORGET IT! She has also been complimented on how well she speaks English when she tells people where she’s from.)

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Has Them Dead(bolt) To Rights

, , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(I work as a concierge, so a lot of times the front desk gets the stupid people before I do. It’s almost like a filter, but since I’m just across the lobby (about 20 feet) I can hear stupid guests who should be put away.)

Coworker: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I assist you?”

Guest: “I need another key to my room. When I checked in yesterday they said I would get a master key to all the rooms I have.” *which about four or five different rooms*

Coworker: “Oh, my apologies, ma’am, but we don’t give master keys to rooms.”

Guest: “Whatever. My keys don’t work and I had this problem yesterday.”

Coworker: “My apologies, ma’am.” *hands over new keys*

(The guest walks away. A couple of minutes later the guest comes back, really frustrated.)

Guest: *throws keys on counter* “These keys don’t work either! This is ridiculous! I am spending $3500 here and this is what I’m getting?!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I know this can be frustrating, but what color was it giving you?”

Guest: “Red!”

Coworker: “And is there anybody in the room?”

Guest: “I have my kids in there! They’re sleeping.”

Coworker: “Well, if you have the deadbolt on in that room you’re trying to get into, the keys won’t work. I’ll go up there with you just to see what’s going on.”

Guest: *has realization moment* “No, it’s okay. I’ll go up myself.” *walks away*

(All of us in guest services had an inner smirk, because she most likely had the deadbolt on and tried throwing the “I’m spending my money here!” card, and she didn’t come back to the lobby.)

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