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I Smell Time Warp Trouble

, , , , , | Working | February 9, 2016

(In the summer, our major theme park chain has employee movie nights after the park closes. The person in charge of the event posts a list of what we can and cannot do while watching the movies, the most prominent being: “No talking, acting up, or trashing the theater.”

All employees look at the list of movies showing for the summer to plan on what we want to see. When we see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” a third of the way down the list, a coworker and I go to the person in charge of the event.)

Coworker: “[Supervisor], we want to inform you that there is a movie scheduled on [date] that will violate most if not every rule of the code of conduct list for the movies.”

Supervisor: *looking at the list* “Oh, that movie! It’s a cute musical. It is harmless.”

Me: “[Supervisor], this movie is a cult classic; we guarantee you that people are going to get on stage and act along with the movie, sing along, throw food, etc. You don’t want to be showing this movie.”

Supervisor: “You are lying. No one will do that during the movie, and you are all adults, not children. I have watched this at home many times and have not seen that happen during the movie.”

Coworker: “Have you been to any theater that shows this?”

Supervisor: “No, I don’t go to theaters to watch movies. I wait for them to get released and then watch them at home, as theaters get too noisy to enjoy the movie.”

Me: “Precisely! Things are going to get rowdy during the Rocky Horror Show!”

Supervisor: “No, it won’t. I will not hear any more about this. You are all adults and know how to sit quietly and watch the movie.”

Me & Coworker: “It’s your funeral.”

(The day after the movie, notices are posted all over the backstage areas of the park.)

Notice: “Due to employees getting rowdy last night and trashing the theater during the Rocky Horror Show, we are permanently cancelling the employee movie nights because people can’t behave like adults, and act like children, instead.”

Coworker:  *looks at me* “Called it!”


This story is part of our Musical Theater Roundup!

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The Ring Doesn’t Rule Them All

, , , , | Friendly | March 4, 2015

(I am talking with a friend of mine at our live-action role-playing meeting.)

Me: “…so then we were going to do a Ravenloft thing but it never happened.”

Friend: “What’s Ravenloft? Is that another kingdom?”

(Chapters are referred to as shires, baronies, and duchies based on size. Kingdom represents an overseeing organization that handles rules, mundane business details, and other such things for multiple chapters.)

Me: “Umm, no, it’s a Dungeons and Dragons campaign setting.”

Friend: “Oh, hmm, I hadn’t heard of it. I don’t play D&D.”

Me: “Really? Do you read fantasy novels?”

Friend: “Not usually.”

Me: “You at least know who Tolkien is, right?”

Friend: “No, what Kingdom is he from?”

Me: “He wrote the Lord of the Rings, which sort of started the whole fantasy genre.”

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: “You mean this is the first fantasy thing you’ve done? You realize, this is near the deep end of geekdom right?”

(Since then he’s gotten heavily geeked out. Most recently, I’ve seen him cosplaying as Bebop from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.)


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The Uniform Response

, , , , , | Right | June 13, 2014

(I’m in a chain restaurant with my family when a group of four soldiers from the base come in. The group is very loud and rowdy, but no one wants to say anything because they’re soldiers. However, as they all order alcoholic drinks for ‘pre-gaming,’ they just get louder and rowdier. Finally, another customer at the table next to theirs has had enough.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Can you four please quiet down? We’re all trying to enjoy our dinners.”

Soldier #1: “With all due respect, shove it.”

Soldier #2: “We’re willing to go out and die for your freedom and you can’t even let us have dinner?”

Soldier #3: “We’re just trying to celebrate [Soldier #1]’s promotion, lady. Chill.”

Soldier #1: “Show some f****** respect.”

(The customer takes a deep breath, stands up and turns around, revealing a missing arm.)

Customer: “Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Major [Customer] and I’ve recently been transferred to the base here after spending a few months in Walter Reed. I lost my arm to an IED in Iraq. I want all of your names. I’ll be talking to your C.O. as soon as I leave here, and I have a feeling you won’t be celebrating that promotion long. Now please keep your voices down so all of these people can enjoy their dinners, and stop being a disgrace to the uniform.”

A Taxing Conversation, Part 2

, , , , | Right | June 24, 2013

Wife: “Can we try filing separately?”

Me: “You can, but it’s not usually the best idea. You’ll disqualify yourselves from some of the biggest credits. I’ll run it through both scenarios, and see what happens. Who should have the kids on their file?”

Husband: “Put them on hers.”

(I run the return both ways. It takes about fifteen or twenty minutes, since they each have multiple jobs.)

Me: “Okay, taken jointly, you’re getting $[amount]. Separately you, sir, need to pay $[amount] and you, ma’am get $[amount] back.”

Wife: “Hmm. Put the kids on his return.”

Me: “Okay.”

(10 minutes later…)

Me: “Now, he has to pay less, and you get back less. Jointly is still the better option.”

Wife: “How about if he has one kid, and I have two kids?”

Me: “Okay.”

(Five minutes pass.)

Me: “Jointly is still better.”

Wife: “Okay, reverse it please. Him with two kids, and me with one.”

Me: “Okay.”

(Five minutes pass.)

Me: “Jointly is still better. But this other person you’ve talked about…”

Husband: “Our niece?”

Me: “Right, let me check some info out with you; she might qualify as another dependent.”

(10 minutes of interviews, and calling for info later…)

Me: “Yep. She qualifies as another dependent, and now you’re joint refund would look like—”

(The program glitches in a funny way. I have never seen this before.)

Me: “Hmm, let me call over the manager real quick.”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Me: “The file glitched. I’ve been running different scenarios for them, and the husband’s file is giving me weird data and won’t let me delete it.”

Manager: “Can you restart a file with the wife as lead tax payer?”

Me: “I can do that, but they haven’t decided if they’re going to file joint or separate. I was just trying to get the results of the latest scenario, when it glitched.”

Manager: “Re-enter for the wife, and I’ll try to fix this file in case they want to file that way.”

Me: “All right.”

(Five minutes later…)

Me: “Okay, your joint refund is now even higher.”

Wife: “Can you try it separately, with me having three dependents, and my husband’s one?”

Husband: *groans*

(The next day…)

Coworker: “Why is there a biohazard sticker on this return file?”


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A Badly Drawn Request

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2013

(I work at a theme park as a caricature artist.)

Customer: “Hey, if I get one of these done can you make me skinny?”

Me: “Well, it’s a caricature, so you can have an exaggerated bikini body or something if you like?”

Customer: “Oh, good! Can you make my teeth look better, too?”

(I can see the customer has a gap in her teeth.)

Me: “Well, if you’re sensitive about something like that you could always give me a closed mouth smile.”

Customer: “And could you make me blonde? And maybe a smaller nose?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure you’d want a picture if I altered it that much.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because… it wouldn’t look like you!”