This Customer Defies Natural Selection

, , , | Right | June 21, 2011

(I work in a tile store.)

Me: “Do you have any questions or need any samples?”

Customer: “I do have a question on this tile in here.”

(The customer shows me a natural stone travertine that has a lot of variation through it.)

Customer: “I love the look of this tile. Can I just get this tile pattern on this one tile? I don’t like these other ones.”

Me: “Sir, natural stone varies, so no two tiles will look alike. You will get the same colors generally, but not the exact same pattern. You can see the change in the other tiles next to it. They are actually all the same tile.”

Customer: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Tile doesn’t vary. You can make it look however you want. I saw it on TV. That ‘how to make stuff’ show.”

Me: “Sir, this is a natural material made by nature. I have no control over what patterns and colors come out of the mountain.”

Customer: “Well, you should talk to your supplier about that. This is just ugly. I hate natural stone.”

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Brokers With Chokers

, , , , , | Right | April 13, 2011

(We sell all types of insurance, including bonds. I am on the phone to a customer.)

Caller: “Do you guys do bondage there?”

Me: “Yes, sir. However, the gentleman that handles that is all tied up at the moment.”

Customer: “Oh. Haha. Um… yeah.”


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Swords On A Plane

, , , , , , , , | Right | August 19, 2010

(A man going through security is stopped when the X-ray reveals that he has a full-length sword in his carry-on luggage.)

Me: “Sir, what are you doing with this sword?”

Customer: “It’s a souvenir. It’s not even sharp.”

Me: “This can in no way go on board a plane.”

Customer: “But it’s not even sharp!”

Me: “You’re going to need to come with me. Anything like this, whether it’s a souvenir or not, should have been placed in your checked luggage.”

Customer: “I don’t believe this! It’s not a real sword! And it’s not even sharp?! Do I look stupid to you?”

Me: “You look like a person trying to bring a sword onto a plane.”


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Like A Fish Out Of Water

, , , , , | Right | August 16, 2010

(Our store has a return policy involving fish: they can return them as long as they have the animal and receipt.)

Customer: “My fish died again.”

Me: “How long did you have the fish for?”

Customer: “Only about two days. This is the second fish this has happened with.”

(I proceed to start asking questions about her daily tasks of tank operations. After several minutes, I can’t figure out what is wrong.)

Me: “How about you take me through your daily routine?”

Customer: “Well, first I go down and feed the fish. Then I pick him up and pet him for a bit. Then around lunchtime, I pet him some more.”

Me: “So you pull the fish out of the water and pet it?”

Customer: “Only for a few minutes. Why?”

Me: “Fish can’t breathe out of water. Didn’t you notice it gasping?”

Customer: “Well, it can just hold its breath, right?”


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Large Signs, Larger Bags, And Even Larger Egos

, , , , , | Right | June 19, 2010

(A customer with a large bag enters the store.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. You’re going to have to check your bag there up at the front counter.”

Customer: “Why?! I’ve never had to before!”

Me: “I’m sorry, it’s store policy.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t! You’re doing this just because I’m not white! I guess non-white people aren’t welcome here!”

Me: “You’re more than welcome here, but it’s store policy that all shoppers check their bags.”

Customer: “Show me a sign that says this is your policy!”

(I take her up front and show her the large, bright-red sign with bold, white letters that says customers are required to check their bags before shopping.)

Customer: “You put this out because you saw me coming!”

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