(We are a government facility that provides fingerprinting to the public. We also man the phone lines for tech support, questions about printing, etc. I answer the phone, and a man asks some general questions about printing. Then it gets weird.)

Customer: “Can I come down and get my wife’s fingerprints for her?”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Customer: “Can I pick up my wife’s fingerprints there for her?”

Me: “No, sir, we don’t retain fingerprints.”

Customer: “Well, can I get printed for her?”

Me: “Um… sir. Think about what you just asked me.”

Customer: *long pause*“So… can I get her prints or not?”

Me: “Sir, unless you are her, or have her hands in some magical way, there’s no way I can give out fingerprints for her.”

Customer: “Oh, well. It was worth a shot.”

(In my store, we have some cheaper movies that we sell for buy-two-get-one-free, as long as they are under a certain price range. A couple are shopping for a few films.)

Me: “Hello there. Is there anything I can help you guys find today?”

Husband: “We came in earlier and bought [Film], and we just came back for [Sequel], and we’re just looking around a bit.”

Me: “I’m glad we had the movies you’re looking for! Also, keep in mind that all the movies on these racks are buy-two-get-one-free, so if you decide to pick up another movie with [Sequel], you can get a third for free.”

Wife: “How does that work?”

Me: “We just have a deal on all our movies that are under $5 for buy-two-get-one-free.”

Husband: “But how would that work? Do we have to pay for all three, then?”

Wife: “Doesn’t that make the rest of the movies more expensive?”

Me: “Um… No, it just makes some movies that aren’t worth too much a better deal.”

Wife: “But what happens if we only buy two?”

Me: “Then they would be the full price of just the two movies, but if you’re getting two you might as well get a third one for free.”

Husband: “I don’t have the money for three, though!”

(This continued on for another five minutes before eventually I kind of gave up on trying to explain how the sale worked. They bought three movies, were surprised how cheap they were, and left.)

(I am on a call with a client who’s a president of sorts for a pretty big-name company. I’m walking him through the process to install a few company applications on his phone. As we’re speaking, I hear someone trying to get his attention to ask him something. After a few moments of this, the client turns to that person speaking and says, loudly I might add:)

Caller: “Shut up, will you?! I’m on the phone with someone more important than you! You’re a VP; you figure it out!”

(I had to mute the call for a moment, I was laughing so hard.)

(It’s my 18th birthday party, just after I’ve officially come out of the closet to my family. It is snowing outside, which means the rest of my family is surprised when my grandfather and step-grandmother arrive, as they NEVER go out in the snow. It soon becomes apparent why when my step-grandmother asks to speak to me in private. She tells me that she and my grandfather heard about my “decision” and she wants me to reconsider. She and I have never been even a little bit close, but I make the mistake of humoring her for over an hour. She tells me about how hard it was for her to have a lesbian daughter, and how wonderful it was when she then came back to the Mormon church.)

Step-Grandmother: “And I had to work very hard to speak frankly with my daughter about her… um… lesbozism.”

(Suddenly it felt like my soul had left my body as I contemplated the word “lesbozism” until she stopped talking. Needless to say, she didn’t convince me, and years later my friends and I still speak of “lesbozism,” and its practitioners, “lesbozoos.”)

This story is part of the misunderstood-lesbians-themed roundup!

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A brand new car wash opened and promised free car washes for anyone in line on the first day. My grandmother was the very first person in line. When she went in, she managed to put her car in gear. It jumped the track and she stomped on the gas instead of the brake. As a result the car rammed into the equipment and seriously damaged it.

The car wash had to close down for almost a month for repairs. When it finally opened again, my grandmother went back and asked them when she would get her free car wash. The response she received was a little less than positive.