A Healthy Vocabulary

, , , , , , | Related | May 12, 2020

I was born with a host of congenital birth defects and spent the first six years of my life confined to a wheelchair. I was a patient at a nationally-known philanthropic children’s hospital and they flew me in once a year for followup procedures and the like. 

The hospital was located in Salt Lake City, which is also known for being the location of the headquarters for a certain religious movement.

After one of these yearly followups, my mother and I were at the airport to fly home. I was five years old. It had been a long week, my mother was exhausted, and I was being a handful. So, finally, my mother wheeled me to the window and told me to watch for when our plane came in in an effort to get me to quiet down.

Everyone else at our gate was a group of religious missionaries reading their holy books, so the entire gate was pretty quiet.

Soon, I saw the plane taxi into our gate and I called out to my mother, “MOM! MOM! THE PLANE IS HERE! AND BOY, IS IT A BIG MOTHERF*****!”

The only sound that could be heard after that was the sound of the aforementioned holy books slamming shut.

My mother wished the earth would just open up and swallow her right then. She walked over, grabbed my chair, and took me right into the bathroom where my rear was warmed soundly. Afterward, she asked where I’d heard that word and I told her that some of my older cousins and their friends use that word all the time. Their father got quite an earful from my mother later.

Fast forward to a year later. We arrived at the airport to go back to the hospital and my mother said, “Sweetie, do you remember this place?”

I looked up at her with huge eyes and responded, “Yeah! This is the place where you can’t say no bad words!”

My mother just about lost it.

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Sometimes You Have To Hold Their Hands

, , , , , | Working | May 7, 2020

I am working as an IT specialist for a pharmaceutical billing company. One day, our Internet goes down and I am tasked with informing the department managers.

Me: “The Internet is down. We are working with the Internet provider to get it back up.”

Manager #1: “Okay. Oh! While you’re here, can you see why my email isn’t working?”

Me: “Could you provide more details?”

Manager #1: “Just before you came to my department, my email was not able to be delivered.”

Me: “…?!!”

Manager #2: “Hey, [Manager #1], state your problem again, but this time, say it slower.”

Manager #1: “My email isn’t sending to people outside the company… because… I need Internet to send emails.”

Me: “Bingo!”

The two managers and I had quite the laugh about that one!

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Listening Is Life

, , , , | Right | February 14, 2020

(The plane is sitting at the runway, waiting to take off, and the flight attendant’s giving her normal pre-flight instructions, but for the most part, people are ignoring her. She continues unfazed.)

Flight Attendant: “Remember to put on your own mask before helping children, those who can’t get their own, or those who aren’t listening.”

(Surprisingly, the flight was relatively quiet.)

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They Need To Recruit Better Recruiters

, , , , , | Working | January 31, 2020

(During my last job hunt, I also start looking for jobs out of state, as my family and I have decided we are tired of the extreme weather and local politics. I eventually get a job offer out of state, and as we are preparing to move, I get a call from a local recruiter, whom I haven’t worked with before.)

Recruiter: “What would be a good time for you to interview with [Employer]?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but I’ve actually already accepted a job out of state. Thank you, though!”

Recruiter: “Oh… are you leaving immediately?”

Me: “Well, not for another week.”

Recruiter: “So, you still have time that you could interview with [Employer].”

Me: “I guess, but I’m not sure why I would?”

Recruiter: “Maybe they’ll make you a better offer!”

Me: “Are they offering six figures in their price range?”

Recruiter: “Um. No, but—”

Me: “Then, I’m sorry, but I’m really not interested. I’m very happy with the job I’ve already accepted, and we’ve already signed the lease for a new apartment.”

Recruiter: “Don’t you want to keep your options open if that job falls through?”

Me: “I’d rather be jobless there than here, so no.”

Recruiter: “Listen, you’d be doing me a favor if you did this interview. We want to maintain a good relationship with this client.”

Me: *realizing what’s going on, long pause* “You’re not going to guilt me into doing this interview.”

Recruiter: “That’s not what I’m doing.”

Me: *getting irate* “That’s exactly what you’re doing; don’t try to bulls*** me.”

Recruiter: “I don’t think there’s any need for that kind of language.”

Me: “And I don’t think I care about burning this particular bridge.” *hangs up*

Husband: *staring at me, wide-eyed* “What the h*** was that?”

(I guess knowing we were getting out of that place made me less patient with guilt-trips. I hate doing interviews, even for jobs I DO want. We’re quite happy in our new home and have no intention of ever going back.)

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O Holy Donut

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 22, 2020

I’m the dumb one in this story. My baby had some breathing trouble and was hospitalized for a month and a half prior to surgery. One of the times I was staying overnight, a respiratory therapist I hadn’t met before came in to check the settings on the oxygen. I saw she had a cursive font tattoo on her arm. Confused, I asked,

“Does your tattoo say, ‘Thy will be donut’?” 

The therapist showed me her arm and said, “No, it says, ‘Thy will be done’.” What I had taken as “donut” was the word “done” with a cross after it.

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