A Face For Every Occasion

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2009

(A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.)

Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.”

Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?”

Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic! I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!”

Me: “It’s probably something else, then. What do you use to remove your make-up?”

Customer: “Like… what?”

Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?”

Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?”

Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you wear it constantly. Why don’t you take it off?”

Customer: “In case I have to answer my door when I’m asleep.”

Me: “In your sleep?”

Customer: “Don’t judge my social life! You probably don’t have many friends!”

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Mind Over Biodegradable Matter

, | Right | October 1, 2009

(I work in a very environmentally-conscious salon. We provide mugs for people to use for their coffee so that no garbage is created.)

Me: “Hi! My name is [My Name]. I’m going to be cutting your hair today. Tell me what you would like to–”

Customer: “Do you have a styrofoam cup?”

Me: “We have mugs right here. Would you like some coffee?”

Customer: “Are you crazy? I can’t use a public mug. I’m a doctor! Do you even know what kind of germs are on those mugs?!”

Me: “I assure you that the mugs are perfectly clean. Also, we don’t believe in using styrofoam because it is bad for the environment.”

Customer: “Are you for real? You don’t have a styrofoam cup anywhere in this whole place?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

(I get her away from the coffee discussion and start cutting her hair and making small talk.)

Me: “So, what kind of doctor are you?”

Customer: “A psychiatrist.”


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Divas Balk But Money Talks

, , , | Right | September 17, 2009

(A woman walks in with three young girls.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Nail Salon]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, we had an appointment for four mani/pedis.”

Me: “Okay, can I get your name? And how old are these three?”

Customer: “Why do you need to know how old they are?”

Me: “If they’re under 12, they get Princess mani/pedis which are ten dollars less.”

Customer: “No. I want them to have real mani/pedis.”

(I try to explain twice more that there is no difference besides the price. She starts to yell, causing a scene and bothering other customers.)

Customer: “You’re trying to give them bad service! I want them to have good nails!”

Me: “I understand, and they will. Princess treatments are only less because their nails are smaller so they don’t take as–”

Customer: “I want them to have REAL mani/pedis! You’re trying to give them half-a**ed service!”

Me: “Ma’am, the only difference is the price. Do you want to pay $156 or $129?”

Customer: “Well… in that case, yes. They’re all under 12.”

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You’re Not Burning, But My Eyes Are

| Right | June 30, 2009

(I’m working the front of a tanning salon and a customer comes up to me, completely naked.)

Customer: “Does this tan look even to you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need you to go back to your booth and put your clothes on. You’re bothering the other customers.”

Customer: “But I need to know if this tan is even. Does it look like I’m burning?”

Me: *trying not to look at her* “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I need you to go back to your booth and put your clothes on. You can’t just walk around naked.”

Customer: “Fine! You’re no help at all!”

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Wesley Called, He Wants His Tan Back

, , , | Right | May 8, 2008

(Customer walks in and is a bright white Jewish guy with a big beard.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my brother says you can give me a tan so I can look like Wesley Snipes.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You know Wesley Snipes, He’s got a great tan. It looks like he’s a real black guy.”

Me: “Wesley Snipes IS a REAL black guy.”

Customer: “Yeah, because of the great tan he’s got.”

Me: “…Okay?”

Customer: “Look, I just need to be as dark as that guy so I can learn how to rap.”

Me: “You can learn how to rap without being black. Look at Eminem.”

Customer: “Are you gonna give me a tan or what? I have all the money to pay for it.”

Me: “Well, okay. If that’s what you want… but you’re gonna have to shave off that beard and go to the jewelry shop across the street to buy a giant platinum chain with diamonds all over it.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”

(So we put him through the spray tanner like ten times and make him pay 35 bucks for every time. We have almost gotten him as black as Wesley Snipes when our boss walks in and asks what the h*** is going on. He says we have to shave all beards before starting the process. So, now this guy gets his beard shaved by my coworker and the result was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life. He looked like a freaking raccoon!)

(The customer looks in the mirror.)

Customer: “You sons of b**ches, you did this on purpose! You racist b**tards hate Jewish people! All I wanted was a f**king tan!”

(The raccoon got dressed super fast and ran out…)

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