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Bound To The Past

, , , , , | Right | January 25, 2021

An elderly woman calls to inquire about an old dictionary.

Caller: “Its binding is falling apart and I wonder if you know anyone who deals with binding and rebinding.”

Me: “Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone left in the city that deals with that sort of stuff.”

Caller: “What can you do with the book?”

Me: “If the binding is coming off, there isn’t much we could do. Also, we don’t really take dictionaries any more as the Internet has made them obsolete.”

Caller: “Oh, well, I think that the Internet is just a fad.”

Sounds Like Their Grasp Of English Is Worse

, , , , , | Right | September 7, 2020

Customer: “I just got off the phone with your customer service, but they didn’t speak English so I came here.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m afraid that the only way to handle this issue is to call that customer service line. I assure you that they all speak English.”

Customer: “No, they don’t; they were Indian.”

Me: “I know, but we don’t hire American customer service associates that don’t speak English.”

Customer: “Well, they didn’t.”

Me: “So, they were speaking to you in Hindi, then?”

Customer: *Blank look* “They didn’t speak very good English.”

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, that isn’t really the same thing, is it?”

The customer turned and left, clearly upset.

You’d Better Return Your Time Turner

, , , , , | Learning | July 28, 2020

My senior year of high school, I have two study hall periods. About a week into the school year, one of the guidance counselors approaches me during study hall.

Counselor: “[My Name], why haven’t you been attending cooking class?”

Me: “Because I’m not taking cooking class?”

Counselor: “You’re on the class roster and you’ve been marked absent every day.”

Me: “That’s weird. It’s not on my course schedule.”

Counselor: “Huh. Did you sign up for it?”

Me: “No. I signed up freshman year, but I switched classes a couple of weeks in, and I definitely didn’t sign up for it this year.”

Counselor: “Do you want to take it?”

Me: “No.”

Counselor: “Okay, I guess we’ll remove you from the class, then.”

It was admittedly unusual for a student to have two Study Halls, and I initially assumed that the cooking class took place during one of my two study halls, but I later learned that it actually shared the same time block as my AP Calculus class. Apparently, I was supposed to be in two places at once. Very strange.

Can’t Get Drunk Off Your Power

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2020

I am twenty-one years old and manage a liquor store. This throws a lot of our customers off as I am the youngest person working there. I also look very young. An irate customer approaches my forty-year-old male coworker.

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager now!

Coworker: “[My Name], come here, please. Someone wants to speak to you.”

Me: “What can I help you with today, sir?”

Customer: “You’re the manager? You can’t be! You’re a woman and you only look sixteen!”

Me: “Well, sir, I am the manager. Now, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “This guy says he won’t take back this bottle. I don’t want it. Someone said it was gross.”

Me: “We won’t take back that bottle. After it leaves the store, there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s state law.”

The bottle he has is one of my favorite bottles of alcohol.

Customer: “Well, I don’t want it and I want my money back.”

He keeps ranting and raving for about another twenty minutes. My coworker walks to another register to take care of the line that’s building up behind him. A regular customer of mine, who also happens to be one of my close friends, gets tired of listening to this guy repeat himself and adds his own two cents.

Friend: “Listen, man, she’s said about twenty times she’s not going to give you your money back for that bottle. Now, why don’t you shut up and get the f*** out of here?”

The irate customer stares blankly at my friend for a good thirty seconds before he sheepishly picks up his bottle and hurries out of the store.

Friend: “Is that stuff really gross? Because it looked amazing.”

Me: “It is amazing. You should go see if he’ll give it to you.”

The other customers in the store had a good laugh about that.

The Theme Song Of All Cat Owners: Mischief

, , , , , | Friendly | June 23, 2020

I’m talking to a friend late one night online. 

Friend: “Your alarm sound is technically your theme song since it plays at the start of every episode.”

Me: “My theme song is apparently the sound of my cat trying to get behind the closed blinds.”