Not Pregnant With Information

, , , , , , | Related | January 10, 2018

(My mother is the oldest of eight children. She is the first to marry and to start having children of her own. Of my mother’s children, I am the eldest. All of my mother’s siblings marry and proceed to have children of their own throughout the course of my life. Every year, someone is announcing a wedding, a pregnancy, or a birth. While I am genuinely happy for my ever-growing extended family, I don’t feel the same amount of joy as my mother does, due to the fact that I never get to see these relatives except for every couple of years, as opposed to my mother who visits everyone once or twice a year. I’m 20 years old and attending college out of state, so my only communication with my parents is a weekly phone call, which is usually brief. I’m home for Christmas break when my mother’s youngest sibling — my youngest aunt — calls. Note: this takes place when social media is in its infancy and most people don’t have a Facebook page.)

Mother: “Hello?” *pause* “Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m really glad everything went well.” *pause* “Don’t worry; I’ll call [various Aunts and Uncles] and let them know, too.” *pause* “You rest and take it easy. Love you. Bye.”

Me: “What’s going on with [Youngest Aunt]?”

Mother: “What do you mean? She just had the baby!”

Me: “Huh… She and the baby are okay, I’m guessing?”

Mother: “Yes, yes, they’re both doing well. What do you mean, ‘huh’? Aren’t you excited?”

Me: “Mom, I didn’t know she was even pregnant.”

Mother: “Of course you did. She announced the pregnancy back in May at [Cousin]’s baptism.”

Me: “I didn’t go to that.”

Mother: “I told you about her baby shower I was going to back in October.”

Me: “You mentioned a baby shower, but you didn’t say who it was for. I assumed it was for one of your friends from church who had a daughter that was pregnant.”

Mother: “She was admitted yesterday morning!”

Me: “And I was on the road yesterday morning, if you remember. I didn’t get here until almost dinnertime.”

Mother: *dumbfounded* “I really didn’t tell you?”

Me: “I wouldn’t be surprised if only you and Dad knew, which is sad since [Youngest Sibling] still lives here.”

Mother: “You could at least be a little more excited!”

(As if on cue, my other two siblings head down the stairs, unaware of our conversation, and my mother shouts to them.)

Mother: “[Youngest Aunt] just had her baby!”

(The two of them look at each other, confused, then look towards me.)

Me: “I told you they didn’t know.” *to my siblings* “Apparently, we have another cousin.”

(For those who are curious, the cousin mentioned in this story was the last one, making twelve cousins, just on my mother’s side of the family.)

Unfiltered Story #93685

, | Unfiltered | September 12, 2017

Me and my brother were going to Arkansas to visit our grand parents. On the way down we decided to stop at the St. Louis Gateway Arch. Me, my brother and our grandpa rode to the top with no problem, until we had to leave that is.

Tram car operator: The ram car doors are now opening

(literally a second later)

operator:(literally a second later) The tram car doors are now closing, have a wonderful evening.

I, Grandpa, and my brother stand there confused.

Me: we aren’t on yet…

Customer 1: (to operator) HEY! We aren’t on yet!

Customer 2: (Holds the door open just long enough for customer 3 to get out of the doorway. The door shuts with a loud crash)

Customer 1: That guy didn’t get out!

Brother: he didn’t have enough time to!

Having nowhere else to go, everyone goes back to the platform. The Trams come back. Everyone gets in line to leave.

Brother: (to operator) We didn’t have to to get on!

Operator: (fake smiling) Have a WONDERFUL evening!

Operator: (to other employee) SAUCY eight-year-old!

Brother: I’m ten!

Me: I’m never letting you forget that.

Uneven Understanding Of Even Exchange

, , , , , | Right | June 23, 2017

(I explain to a customer I must return her damaged online item in a separate transaction from her buying the new one. It must always must be done separately.)

Customer: “OH, YEAH, THAT’S FINE!” *almost jubilant*

Me: “Okay.” *somehow knowing it won’t be*

(I return the item to her card, explaining the process as I am going. I ring up the replacement item, which is now even cheaper than she originally bought it.)

Customer: “WAIT. I DON’T GET IT. IT’S AN EVEN EXCHANGE. I SHOULD HAVE TO PAY NOTHING!”

Me: *explains it several times until she gives up and pays and goes away*

Used By The Fashion Police

, , , , , , | Right | June 22, 2017

Customer: “Do you have body bags?”

Me: “Umm… what?”

(The customer describes something like a poncho.)

Me: “A poncho?”

Customer: “NO! A BODYBAG.”

(The customer then flagged down someone of another ethnicity to help her, saying they would know what she meant. I still have no idea.)

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