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We Hear The Mocha Chip Thingy Is To Die For

, , , | Right | November 11, 2022

I used to work at a [Coffee Chain]. The building we were in caught on fire and was being evacuated.

Customers asked us to not evacuate and finish making their Frappuccinos. I told them:

Me: “I’m not dying for an eight-dollar smoothie!”

And I made security escort them out.

There Are Probably A Lot More “Related” Stories In This Family’s Future

, , , , , , , , , | Related | November 7, 2022

We have a little creek behind our house. It’s a nice peaceful spot to unwind most days. Today, my boys, being the avid outdoorsmen that they are, decided to go catch some crawdads and swing on some vines like typical little boys. After I got done mowing some grass, I had to fix my wife’s heat-press, and after MacGyvering the s*** out of it, I felt I deserved a break.

After about three minutes of peace, [Ten-Year-Old] came in all flabbergasted and being his usual diva self.

Ten-Year-Old: “There’s a snake at the creek! It almost bit me! Get a gun!”

Blah, blah, the usual. I kind of blew it off and continued with my lackadaisical afternoon. After a few minutes, my wife gently “encouraged” me to go check on them. Off I went.

I begrudgingly sauntered off to the creek. Upon my arrival, I was witness to quite a sight.

[Ten-Year-Old], my eldest born, the leader of the pack, the standard for my other boys, was ankle-deep in the water, frantically waving a cattleprod taser thing — I’m not entirely sure where he found it — taunting this phantom snake to bring it on.

While I was simultaneously in awe of his fearlessness and dumbfounded about how he had survived as long as he had, I can only assume the snake went full-on “Don’t tase me, bro,” and noped the h*** out of there. I seriously don’t blame the snake; [Ten-Year-Old] was about to take them both out.

I face-palmed but immediately explained the intricacies of electricity and water to my son. He nodded and then ran off to go poop in the woods or whatever [Ten-Year-Old]s do.

[Four-Year-Old], my smartest child, looks at me and says:

Four-Year-Old: “[Ten-Year-Old]’s not very smart.”

And then he proceeded to yeet a rock straight into [Two-Year-Old]’s forehead.

If the children are our future, mine are not going to be very productive. Sorry, everyone else.

The Customer Is Always Right But The Staff Are Animals

, , , , , , , | Working | October 15, 2022

I am a ducting cleaner and I have been called to a grocery store that is relatively rural. I am discussing the job with the boss when he drops this gem.

Boss: “We suspect something rather large has got into the vents in the ceiling as we hear it moving around and can sometimes smell its droppings.”

Me: “Oh. Well, when do you have pest control coming?”

Boss: “Pest control? Isn’t that you?”

Me: “Uh… no. I can clean out your vents, but pest control would need to remove any animals before I could do so. I can give you a number for pest control if you like?”

Boss: “Well, can’t you just move your sticks around in there and poke it out?”

Me: “If we did that, whatever is in there might fall onto the shop floor.”

Boss: “So?”

Me: “It might be a bit angry. It’s possible it could attack one of your staff.”

Boss: “I’m willing to accept that risk.”

Me: “Or it might attack a customer.”

Boss: *Zero hesitation* “What was that number for pest control again?”

The Fire Isn’t The Hot Story Here

, , , , , | Learning | October 13, 2022

Around the start of the school year, my international boarding school holds a Food Fair where we all showcase local foods from home. As the best baker in school, I am slated to bake four or five big pandan cakes for the Food Fair.

Of the many kitchens available to students, there are only two in the whole school which I would consider adequately stocked: [Kitchen #1] and [Kitchen #2]. With the Food Fair only a few days away, [Kitchen #1] is fully booked, but that isn’t much of an issue. I prefer baking in [Kitchen #2], anyway.

But there is a small snag in the plan: [Kitchen #2] is inside the largest dorm, which is a boys’ dorm, and the only person willing to assist me in the baking process is a girl.

The school has a zero-tolerance policy for people entering the opposite gender dorm. I believe the punishments include suspension and expulsion.

Luckily, I am able to argue my case, and given that I am known to be a well-behaved lad, the school gives me special permission to bring [Assistant] into the boy’s dorm. The Vice Principal himself tells me that it is the first time in school history that a female student will legally enter a boy’s dorm.

[Assistant] and I enter the dorm — every single boy in the vicinity looking completely flummoxed — and begin the baking process. I turn on the oven to preheat while we mix the batter.

Assistant: *Giggling* “Look at all their faces. They can’t believe that you actually brought me in here.”

Me: *Laughs* “Yeah, I mean, we boys have smuggled girls in before, but you’re the very first— Wait, do you smell smoke?”

We both look down and realise that the oven is on fire, and we jump back in fright.

Assistant & Me: “Aaahhhh!”

Assistant: “It’s on fire! What do we do?”

I promptly hit the fire alarm, and a teacher is able to quickly come in with a fire extinguisher and put out the flames.

Me: “Oh, dear. Um, sir, I hope I’m not in any trouble.”

He waves a hand dismissively.

Teacher: “It’s all right. The oven was old, anyway. Just use the second oven only.” *Walks away*

Me: “This was not how I expected today to go.”

We both continue baking and manage to produce the cakes as promised. Within three days, the entire school has heard about our little incident.

On Monday, my entire class corners me and demands answers.

Me: “Yes, it’s true. We set the oven on fire.”

Male Classmate #1: “I don’t care about the oven. Nobody cares about the oven! That’s not important!”

Female Classmate #1: “Yeah! We all need to know one thing.”

Male Classmate #2: “How in the world did you legally bring a girl into [Boy’s Dorm]?! What magics did you use?”

Me:That’s what you’re concerned about? We burned an oven!”

Female Classmate #2: “Who cares about the fire? How did you get permission to bring a girl into the dorm?”

Me: “But the fire…”


Assistant: “My entire class cornered me during first period, and you will not believe what they asked me.”

Me: “Let me guess: they didn’t ask you anything about the fire. Instead, they all asked how you legally entered [Boy’s Dorm]? And how to do it themselves?”

Assistant: “Yup. Nobody cared about the fire. Nobody at all!”

It’s Like He Didn’t WANT To Be Rescued!

, , , , , , , | Working | October 12, 2022

When I was a teenager, in the spring of 1991, I was in the ATC (Air Training Corps) as an Air Cadet. This youth organisation was part of the RAF (Royal Air Force). I had the opportunity to fly in an F4 Phantom, and I wrote about it in this story.

Naturally, I was given a thorough safety briefing before the flight. Here’s a tale of caution I was given should I end up in a raft in the ocean, waiting for rescue.

The raft also includes a transmitter that Air Sea Rescue would use to home in on you. It starts automatically and transmits a cone shape directly up. Signals go out in all directions but not directly above the transmitter. As the rescue team gets closer, the signal gets stronger and stronger until the signal disappears completely. At that point, they know they are directly overhead, so the helicopter hovers and a member of the team is winched down.

This transmitter is extremely important because, even though the raft is a really bright colour, it is also extremely small compared to the sea and can easily be missed, especially if visibility is poor.

I was told in no uncertain terms to not mess with the transmitter aerial. And definitely don’t do what this person did.

He tried to be helpful.

He was in such a raft, awaiting rescue, and before long, one of the Air Sea Rescue helicopters came into view, so he pointed the aerial at the helicopter, rather like one would shine a torch.

The pilot, detecting that they were in the cone of silence, hovered, and the winchman was lowered. No one was there. The search resumed.

At this point, the man in the raft had let go of the aerial, so it was possible to try the search properly…

…until he tried being helpful again. And again. Several more times

All in all, what should have been a quick rescue took several hours longer than it should have. And that was only because the rescue team, realising what the helpful idiot was doing, tried to sneak up on where they thought he might be so he didn’t try and help further — but when you’re in a bright yellow, large, and very loud helicopter, that isn’t the easiest of jobs.

When they did eventually locate him, the winchman really wanted to punch him!

A Flight Of A Lifetime