When I was about twenty years old, my friend and I went to see a movie together. When the movie had about fifteen minutes left, it suddenly stopped and the lights came on. The manager came in.

Manager: “I’m very sorry, but unfortunately, we have to cancel the movie today and close. On your way out, there are ticket vendors out front who will give each of you a ticket for a free movie. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

We all got up, grumbling, and headed out. The moment we entered the lobby, we were hit with the smell of smoke, and there was a slight haze in the air. I knew immediately what was wrong.

Friend: “Oh, jeez! How much popcorn did they burn?!”

I leaned over and whispered.

Me: “That’s not burnt popcorn.”

Friend: “Huh? Then what is it?”

Me: *Quietly and calmly* “The building is on fire.”

Friend: “What?! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!“

Me: “Shhhh!”

Friend: “Why aren’t you freaking out?!”

Me: “Couple of reasons. One, we are five steps away from the doors; we’re going to be fine.”

We stepped outside as a few firefighters rushed inside.

Me: “Secondly, you see that firefighter over there? That’s the Captain — and my oldest brother. He’s not panicking, so we’re fine.”

My brothers are sixteen and eighteen years older than me.

Later that evening, I asked my brother about the fire. He got this annoyed look on his face and told me about the conversation he’d had with the manager.

Brother: “You need to evacuate the building — now. We can’t find the flames, but we’re getting a lot of smoke.”

Manager: “Is that really necessary?”

Brother: “What? Yes!”

Manager: “But we’ll lose money. The movies are all going to end in about fifteen minutes. Can’t we wait?”

Brother: “We can’t find the flames! Which means it could be in the walls or higher! The ceiling could come down in fifteen minutes or less and kill everyone!”

That was when the manager begrudgingly shut down the theater.

The theater was fine. They were able to stop the fire, and only one theater screen was damaged in the end. It was not accidental, but I have no idea if they ever caught the arsonist.

It is around midday. A woman walks into the bar with a baby in a baby car seat and sits at the bar counter.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t allow children in the bar.”

Customer: “But she’s just a baby. I’ll take a double Jack Daniels, neat.”

Me: “Babies are children, ma’am. We don’t allow anyone underage in the bar.”

Customer: “This is discrimination against mothers who can’t get babysitters!”

Me: “That’s… really not, ma’am. Bars are no places for babies.”

She stands up and grabs the car seat.

Customer: “You’re acting like I’m putting my child in danger by being here!”

Me: “Ma’am, I see your car keys in your hand. You were planning on getting a drink and then driving away with your child in the car?”

Customer: “She’s in a car seat!” *Storms off*

She storms out, and I look at my manager, who has been watching.

Manager: “Go! Go get her license plate!”

I did. My manager called a friend who is a traffic cop, who was able to get one of his guys to “have a word” with her.

I have just sold some fancy soaps to a customer who is shopping with her friend.

Customer: “These smell amazing! Do they taste good, too?”

Me: “Taste? Ma’am, these are soaps. You’re not supposed to eat them.”

Customer: “Oh, I know! Don’t worry; I only eat a little bit. Just to keep the gut clean, y’know.”

Me: “I would strongly advise against doing that, ma’am. Even just a little bit might be harmful to—”

Customer: “There’s nowhere on your label that says, ‘Do not eat’!”

Customer’s Friend: “It also doesn’t say, ‘Don’t stick it up your a**e’, either, but I don’t see you making the attempt!”

The customer gasps in shock, then glares at me for some reason, and then wanders off.

Customer’s Friend: “I told her that her farts were bad just the once, and this is what she does. Ugh… praying for her. Thanks, love!”

The customer’s friend left, and I was left there wondering if that had really just happened.

I am taking a customer through some of our options. He is interested in our all-terrain four-wheel-drive models.

Customer: “So, can this car survive a bear attack?”

Me: “Well… I’m not an expert on bear behavior, but I would safely say that if you’re already in the vehicle and a bear decides to attack it, you should be fine as long as you drive away.”

Customer: “What about water? How good is it in water?”

Me: “This model is rated to 700 mm or 2.3 feet.”

Customer: “But what if there’s a tsunami?”

Me: “A tsunami?”

Customer: “What happens if there is a tsunami? Will I be able to drive through it?”

Me: “Sure… if the tsunami is under 2.3 feet.”

Customer: “And fire damage? What if there’s, like, an explosion nearby? How safe would I be?”

Me: “Sir… where are you going with this vehicle?”

Some strange customers leave you with more questions than answers. Check out more of the truly odd with our roundup: 12 Strange Stories About Weird, Odd, Bizarre, And Curious Customers!

I work in a gas station in swampy south Florida in the middle of what we call “Alligator Alley”. We have signs up for all customers to be wary of alligators that might have wandered up out of the water. Today just happens to be a day when this happens, so I am warning customers who come in.

A customer has just paid for gas.

Me: “Thank you, sir. Also, please be extra observant as you go back to your vehicle, as there was an alligator near the pumps first thing this morning.”

Customer: “Bah, what bulls***. They’re not that scary. You locals just keep saying that to sell your alligator tours and T-shirts and whatnot.”

Me: “I assure you, sir, they can be quite dangerous if provoked, which you can do by accidentally going too near one. I am simply advising caution.”

Customer: “If I see an alligator out there blocking my car, I’m just gonna walk right up to it and kick it out of the way. I’mma prove you wrong. What do you say to that?!”

Me: “That I hope you’d be very happy you were right, sir… for about three to five seconds… if you’re lucky…”

Luckily (for him), there was no alligator between him and his car.

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