Escalating Problems That Aren’t There

, , , , | Working | November 8, 2017

(I live in the Midwest, so tornadoes are a real threat. Our loss prevention team comes around to each department in the store to make sure we all know where the tornado shelter is, especially the new people.)

Loss Prevention: “It’s just downstairs, in women’s dresses.”

Coworker: “So, what happens if the power goes out? How would we get down the escalator?”

Me: “…like stairs.”

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My Boyfriend The Arsonist

, , , , | Romantic | November 6, 2017

(I’m on the phone with my boyfriend.)

Me: “Hey.”

Boyfriend: “Hey. How are you?”

Me: “I’m good. How’re you?”

Boyfriend: “I’m— OH, S***! HANG ON A SECOND!”

Me: “What? Okay?”

Boyfriend: *after a moment* “Okay, I’m back.”

Me: “Okay? What happened?”

Boyfriend: “I started a fire.”

Me: “What? Are you okay?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I put it out. It’s fine.”

Me: “What happened?”

Boyfriend: “I turned on the wrong burner and that burner had a bunch of napkins on it.”

Me: “You turned on the burner without clearing it first?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, but it’s okay. I put it out.”

Me: “Are the napkins still on the stove?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Move them, right now! In fact, clear the stove top of everything you’re not heating up, right now!”

Boyfriend: “But it’s [Roommate]’s things and—”

Me: “I DON’T F****** CARE! CLEAR IT ALL OFF THE STOVE TOP, RIGHT NOW!”

Boyfriend: “Okay! I’m on it!” *after a moment* “Okay. It’s done.”

Me: “Good. It’s better to touch [Roommate]’s things without permission than to set [Roommate]’s things on fire.”

Boyfriend: “Good point.”

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Smoking Is A Habit That Will Kill You All

, , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I’m filling up my tank when I hear shouting from the next pump over.)

Guy: “Turn the pump on!”

Attendant: *over the intercom* “Sir, I told you that you have to put out your cigarette before I can turn the pump on!

Guy: *getting louder* “TURN THE PUMP BACK ON, GOD D*** IT!”

Guy’s Girlfriend: “C’mon! Turn the pump on! We paid already!”

Attendant: “I will turn it on when he puts out his cigarette!”

(They keep going back and forth for about a minute or so until the guy finally puts out his cigarette.)

Guy’s Girlfriend: “UGH! Finally!”

(They seemed like a really great couple.)

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Drowning In Incompetence

, , , , , , , , , | Working | October 29, 2017

(My family lives just around the corner from the community pool and normally I take my siblings, who are 11 and 12, every day during the summer. Today I’ve hurt my ankle, so Mom decides they’re old enough to go on their own. We get this call about an hour after.)

Mom: “Who’s calling?”

Me: *looks over at the phone* “The pool is… What happened?”

Mom: *answers it and suddenly screams* “WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE NEARLY DROWNED 30 MINUTES AGO?!”

Me: “WHAT?!”

(Mom and I drive to the pool, and when we arrive, my brother runs up to me, crying.)

Me: “Woah, woah! What happened, bub?”

Mom: “What happened?! Why is he crying?!”

Sister: “He can tell you.” *points at lifeguard*

Lifeguard: “Why me!?”

Mom & Me: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

Sister: “[Brother] started drowning, and they refused to help him because they thought he was playing.”

Lifeguard: “He was only playing! He’s f****** r*****ed, anyway!”

Mom: *gets right in his face* “HE’S AUTISTIC!”

Me: “What else?”

Sister: “So, I jumped in, tried to pull him out, but he forced me under and apparently that made them jump in for him. The other one just watched.”

Lifeguard: “It’s not our job!”

Mom: “So, what is she up there for, to look pretty!?”

(They apparently decided to ignore my brother, who is severely autistic and was drowning, then kept him out of the water, with some water in his lungs, with no towel or anything, for 30 minutes before they called us. They didn’t call the hospital, get an ambulance, or give medical treatment. Mom was so upset that when we went to the ER, she had a moment and said to get the lungs out of his water. The lifeguard stayed on, even after we complained. We never went back.)

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I Wash My Hands Of You!

, , , , , , | Working | October 27, 2017

(I am in high school, and I work for a major fast food chain. We have a sink near the grill area where employees wash their hands. One of my coworkers constantly gives me a hard time about how often I wash my hands. Normally I am a quiet and non-confrontational person, but today I have had enough:)

Coworker: *seeing me heading towards the sink* “Look, [My Name] is going to wash her hands again. What, are you OCD or something?”

Me: *angrily* “I have just wiped down every table in the lobby, swept and mopped the floors, cleaned both bathrooms, and taken out all the garbage. Do you want me touching your food?!”

Coworker: *stammering* “Uh… No.”

(He never bothered me again.)

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