Fifteen years ago, I took a Safety At Sea course while working on a passenger ship. Our instructor was going over various codes that could be announced over the PA system in cases of emergency — not the ones aimed at the passengers, but the ones alerting the crew to assemble at their stations. One of these was the code for a ship-wide search. Usually, this meant a missing person, like a lost child, but it could be anything, including bombs. And then he told us this story, which I have never forgotten.

The instructor was doing a refresher course on safety on a large cruise ship which (obviously) was otherwise unidentified. This course featured a lot of practical exercises, including a bomb search. The crew was assembled at their stations and told they were to search for explosives, which in actuality was just a box with the word “bomb” written on it. And off they went to search every nook and cranny of their designated area.

What the crew didn’t know was that the instructor had decided to add a second, more realistic “bomb”, which he had made in his cabin. It was nothing dangerous, just some wooden rods held together with tape and some electrical wires sticking out on one side — your typical action movie bomb. It sat on his desk for several days once he’d assembled it, and he hid it in a completely different location than the other one. The intended lesson was that when searching for dangerous objects such as these, you can’t stop after finding just one.

When the first “bomb” was found and brought to him, he asked the crew to keep searching because they needed to be sure there was only one aboard. And so he waited for the second one to be found. And waited. And waited.

After the crew had all done a very thorough search of the ship, they reported that they were sure there was nothing more to be found. The instructor was confused but accepted it. He’d done the rounds during the searches, and there was no reason to believe they’d been anything but thorough. He headed back to his cabin, intending to collect his more realistic prop later.

It was sitting on his desk. It turned out that he’d hidden the prop in the section assigned to the housekeeper who vacuumed his room. She’d recognised it and promptly returned it to his room. It was certainly an unexpected outcome, but at least he knew it had been found!

I am talking to my manager. He is facing outside toward the pumps. His eyes go wide, and he rushes out toward a customer. My manager is Korean-American.

Manager: “Sir! Sir! No smoking!”

Customer: “Chill, Mr. Miyagi. I’m allowed to smoke outside.”

Manager: “You’re not allowed to smoke anywhere at this gas station. It’s a fire risk!”

Customer: “Pfft. That’s an urban myth. Cigarettes aren’t hot enough to ignite gas.”

Manager: “Sir, rules are rules. Put the cigarette out.”

Customer: “Chill, I’m almost done with this one.”

My manager calls over to me.

Manager: “Call the police. Tell them we have an unruly customer.”

I nod and the customer starts shouting.

Customer: “Hey! It’s just a f****** cigarette, you [slur for an Asian person].”

Me: “Leave. Now.”

Customer: “You wanna die?

Manager: “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not the one trying to light a cigarette next to a tank of gasoline.”

Thankfully, he left without incident.

Related:
Where There’s Smoke…, Part 3
Where There’s Smoke…, Part 2
Where There’s Smoke…

After getting hired at a distribution center for a furniture company, I quickly meet a coworker whom I’ve dubbed “Safety Knife”.

The Initial Incident:

Safety Knife: *Holding his hand* “Hey, boss, I need a bandaid.”

Supervisor #1: *Pointing a thumb at the first aid kit* “They’re right there, buddy.”

Safety Knife: “Can you help me with it?” *Shows his badly cut hand*

Supervisor #1: “Whoa! What did you do?”

Safety Knife: “I was using this hand to hold a box steady while opening it, and my knife slipped. I guess I didn’t move my hand out of the way in time.”

Supervisor #1: *Dumbfounded* “Let’s… get that fixed up and get you to Human Resources.”

He was sent home and everyone had a knife safety course.

The Second Incident:

I am working on paperwork in the elevated hub when I hear the sound of stone shattering. I look up to see Safety Knife holding a dolly, jumping around a broken stonetop dresser.

Safety Knife: “This stupid thing doesn’t work!”

Supervisor #2: “What were you doing?! You’re not supposed to use that to move open dressers!”

Safety Knife: “It’s not me; it’s the thing!” *Lifts up and shakes the dolly* “See? It’s broken!”

Supervisor #2: “It’s broken because you used it wrong!”

The Third Incident:

I’ve joined the safety committee and am coming back from a meeting with [Supervisor #1].

Supervisor #3: *Grumbling* “[Supervisor #1], you can’t go to any more meetings.”

Supervisor #1: “Why not?”

Supervisor #3: “[Safety Knife] cut himself again while you were at the meeting.”

Supervisor #1: “With a safety knife?”

Supervisor #3: “Yes, he put his other hand in the way of the cut again.”

Supervisor #1: “I want to see how that kid uses a knife. These knives are impossible to cut yourself with.”

Safety Knife is sent home, and we have yet another round of knife safety courses.

Fourth Incident:

There has been a squeaky noise all morning.

Me: “Hey, [Boss]? What’s that squeaky noise?”

Boss: “That sounds like one of the trash hoppers; they squeak when they get picked up.”

[Boss] stands up to see if she’s right, and her face turns red.

Boss: “[Safety Knife]! What are you doing?!”

Safety Knife: “Compacting the trash like you told me to!”

He jumps on the trash in the hopper once more.

Boss: “I told you to break down the boxes, not use the hopper as a trampoline!”

Amazingly, he was fired… for attendance issues.

Customer: “Do you have non-toxic spray paint? Like body paint?”

Me: “You mean paint that is suitable for skin?”

Customer: “Yeah, something like that, but I need to spray it on my dog.”

Me: “Your dog?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to spray my phone number on his coat. He’s always breaking out, and he hates wearing collars…”

I just stare blankly.

Customer: “Yeah, I know… We spoil him.”

Caller: “I am on my way to your [Town] branch to withdraw £3,000 in cash, and I need to call you to pre-authorize it. It needs to happen ASAP as I am very busy!”

Me: “Yes, I can do that for you. I will need to go through some security questions with you.”

Caller: “Okay, fine, but make it quick, as I’m about to exit the motorway.”

Me: *Asking, as I am trained to do* “Are you using a hands-free device for this call, madam?”

Caller: “No, but don’t worry about it; I’m a very good driver!”

Me: “Madam, I am not allowed to continue this conversation with you if I know you’re breaking the law by making this call. Please call back when you are either no longer driving or have a hands-free way to make this call.” 

Caller: “I do have a hands-free phone, but it’s on hold with IKEA! I need to order the furniture for pick-up after I’ve been to the bank!”

Me: “You’re on two phone calls while driving on the motorway?”

Caller: “I told you I am very busy!” 

Related:
This Caller Is Off The Hook