My husband and I are driving home, and we decide to drive through [Fast Food Chain] for lunch. Important to know is they are selling quesaritos at this time. We have a little trouble ordering, but we attribute that to bad speakers.

When we pull up to the window, it is clear the guy at the window is high. After we finally pay for our food and get the bag, my husband asks me to check we got our food. We are missing a quesadilla.

Husband: “Excuse me.”

Worker: “Yeah, man.”

Husband: “We’re missing a quesadilla.”

Worker: “Oh! I thought you wanted a quesarito.”

Then, he just smiles at us, hanging out the window, completely amused by the mistake. After a minute or so goes by, my husband speaks again.

Husband: “So, can we have our quesadilla?”

Worker: “Oh! Oh, sure. Yeah, man, you can have a quesadilla.”

Then, he just stands there again, looking at us.

Husband: “So, do you want to get it for us, or should we come inside?”

Worker: “Yeah! Yeah, I can get it for you.”

He closes the window and hopefully asks someone else to make the food. He opens the window to give it to us.

Husband: “Do you want us to give you back the quesarito?”

Worker: “I mean, like, why?”

Husband: “Because we’re getting our quesadilla?”

Worker: “Nah, man, you should eat it! It’s good. We’re all good.”

The window closed and we drove off.

I’m checking in for a phone appointment with my doctor. This has happened before, but this time his reaction was pretty funny.

Nurse: “Can you list all the medications you’re currently taking?”

Me: “Well, there’s Spironolactone [a common testosterone blocker, though it has other uses], 100 mg, two times a day. Estradiol [an estrogen supplement], 3 mg, two times a day, [other meds that aren’t relevant]…”

Nurse: “Okay, and is there any chance you’re pregnant or may become pregnant?”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Nurse: “Okay. And the date of your last menstrual cycle?”

Me: “Ummm… Not applicable. I’m, well… I’m a transgender woman.”

I hear the sound of gears turning in his head.

Nurse: “…Oh! Okay, cool! Awesome! Good. That… that’s good for you. Anyway. Okay. Um… Last time you were checked for cervical cancer?”

Me: “…”

After checking out at the grocery store, I toss the receipt and my change into the bag with the stuff I bought. When I get to the car and start putting the change in my purse, I realize that the cashier has given me thirty-five cents too much.

I go back into the store, wait in line at the same checkout, and tell the cashier that she gave me too much change.

Cashier: “That was our mistake. You should have just kept the change.”

Me: “Listen, honey, if I’m going to Hell for stealing, it isn’t going to be for thirty-five cents; it’s going to be for billions!”

She laughed and thanked me for being honest.

One day, a friend and I were headed to a game night at another friend’s house and decided to grab something to eat. We decided on a national chain of sub shops once famous for $6 subs.

Usually, I get something loaded down with veggies — not that day. That day, I was craving protein and lots of it.

Me: “Could I get a twelve-inch pastrami and swiss, double meat, lightly toasted, with mayo and extra mustard? No veggies.”

Worker: “Sure!”

I watched as he made my sandwich, and I was practically drooling. My friend laughed at me until I pointed out that I hadn’t eaten since lunchtime the day before.

Friend: “Good Lord, let’s feed you before you take off someone’s arm. You’re mean when you’re hangry.”

Worker: “Extra mustard?”

Me: “Yes, please!”

He picked up the bottle. He squeezed over my sandwich, and then the lid popped off and half the bottle of mustard poured out over my poor pastrami sandwich.

He and I were both staring at it in horror. Then, we looked up at each other. I knew what he saw: a woman with a Let Me See Your Manager haircut and dye job who had been described as being hangry. I saw him brace himself for what he thought was the inevitable.

Me: “Well, I did say extra mustard.”

My friend about keeled over laughing, the sandwich worker looked so relieved, and I couldn’t help but giggle. We managed to save the sandwich by scraping most of the mustard off. I DID ask for extra mustard, and that day, the universe decided to oblige!

I am picking up my friend to take her to my house for dinner. I am cooking for several of my friends. The friend in my car has a black mother and a white father.

Friend: “Who else is going to be there?”

Me: “[Vietnamese Friend] and her friend and [Chinese Friend] and her boyfriend.”

Friend: *Laughs* “Oh, wow, so you’re going to be the only white person there?”

Me: “No.”

Friend: “Who else?”

Me: “You.”

Friend: “What? I’m not white.”

Me: “Yes, you are. You are half-white. You are just as much white as you are black.”

My friend speaks as if she is just having an epiphany.

Friend: “Oh, wow, I never thought of that.”